My biggest issue is that I blame myself for the end of the relationship. I took on all the pressure of our life, didn't take care of ME, got depressed, then started drinking again at night.
I am supposed to be perfect. Supposed to 'take care' of W. I feel that I failed.
But I didn't. I kept a roof over our heads even while under enormous pressure. I wasn't abusive. I hurt.
The thing is, W has never really been 'enmeshed' in the relationship. She has always seen things from the perspective of how it affects 'her', which is somewhat narcissistic.
And, for at least the past 5 years she has been wanting to 'join the circus', and tried 3 years ago with her affair, and now she's in another affair and has left.
I've done the best I could given where I have been at in my own life. I realize now that she did very little to make me feel loved, and took care of her own needs while ignoring the needs of our kids, and of me.
As much as it has hurt, I don't need someone like that in my life. I felt left behind by her but now I'm leaving her behind and moving forward. I have the love of my daughters and the relationship I'm building with God.
I'm strong, a good man, a good father. I will continue to grieve and be angry for what she has done to betray the girls and I. But only for a little while longer.
I'm not guilty. I really did deserve to be helped by my W when I was down. I also take responsibility for my choices, my life.
