Hi NW and V - thanks to both of you for your vote of confidence as well...I feel like it was a step in the right direction - back toward myself...
Here's the email I got from her in response to what I said last night: ................................ Hi Carlos,
I appreciate the idea of treating each other with respect in front of S2, and in light of that, think that your behavior last night was completely inappropriate. I did say hello to you last night. Because you didn't hear me say hi, you got loud, sarcastic and aggressive, saying that I was exactly like [the husband of my first wife], and saying GOOD BYE in a way that sounded crazy. Your aggressive response was really unjustified and over the top, and much worse than what you seemed to think you had a complaint about. I hope you are continuing with your anger management classes-- it seemed like you were trying to intimidate me, especially since I did say hello to you.
I think that going forward, if you have concerns like this, it would be better if you address them in an email rather than put on a big show in front of S2.
I would also like to remind you that when I pick S2 up from your house at 6.30, I would appreciate it if he's ready to go around that time. I actually called before I got to your street, and still had to wait for you to bring S2 out. I work long hours, and still have a lot to do when I get home, and would like to get there as soon as possible.
Best,
.........................
And this is how I responded:
W, I understand what you're saying, but that is not how I was last night. I think it's troublesome for you to be so rude to me in front of S2. You often turn your back on me as I'm talking - and you certainly don't say hello to me when I greet you. That kind of behavior sends a message to S2 - and I don't think it's the right one at all. You don't have to like me - but for the sake of S2 it would be best for you to take some time to consider how you interact with me as well. If I seemed loud, sarcastic or aggressive to you last night, I apologize. That wasn't my intention. I was actually laughing through all of it because I just sometimes think it's so very strange that our relationship has fallen apart to such an extent. I mentioned [XW's H] because I know that you understand how rude that sort of behavior is in terms of him - and how he behaves - and I really just wanted you to see what it's like.
As for getting S2 ready for you by 6:30 -that's just not something so cut and dry. Sometimes you get here well after 6:30 and sometimes (like last night) I have to calm S2 down before coming outside - since there are times when he protests having to leave, and I try to do my best to get him relaxed and happy before heading out the door. This isn't easy on him, W, and while I understand that you work late hours and want to get him right away - I have to make him my priority - and if he's having a rough time getting his shoes on and out the door, I will not rush him - I will make sure he's fine first. Best, Carlos
............... Now I know it's best not to respond to her emails right away, etc, and I did take my time in responding some...but my gut just said - no, this is about my son, and I am not going to pussyfoot around his well-being. She can make all the accusations she wants...but her note tells me that I got my point across loud and clear....we'll see if she's any more respectful now.
I shared her email with my T this morning - and he wasn't surprised by it at all. He responded by saying that normally when a man goes to him and talks about his W - he takes everything the man says with a grain of salt - but that when I went in to talk with him, he just believed me - and that he could tell from what I was saying that my W's "issues were deep rooted." It's interesting - because I went in there this morning with a lot of sympathy for my W and a lot of sadness for what she's going through - but he focused me on talking about me and the positives in my life instead - and reminded me that I have to live like she is out of my life, because she is...other than contact over our baby.
He then asked me what my ideal partner would be like - in the future - beyond this process of growth and healing that I'm going through...I said she would be self-confident, independent, strong, compassionate, kind, not jealous of my children, intelligent and not entangled with me. He said he was happy with my hopes since I wasn't looking for an "un-W" or just the opposite of my W - but for positive qualities in a person. I don't know if/when I'll meet someone new - but I do know that this relationship with my W is dead. If it ever becomes something again it would have to start from scratch - provided that I'm still interested in starting over with her...and right now, with the person she has become, that just doesn't interest me anymore - and this, despite how much I love her...
