Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

OK so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with an EA that I highly suspect my WAS is having. I was doing great with the DB'ing until I slowly became aware of this. Now I'm not sure what to do. Do I expose? Here's what I know:

She's known this guy for years and this past summer they worked closely together on a long project. Another guy working on the project said that they were being very friendly, but he didn't see anything physical or shady going on.

Then this fall my wife drops the bomb. Out of the blue she breaks down crying one night saying she can't do this anymore and asking "How can you be happy?" Kind of weird for her to say that and not "I'm not happy!" But whatever. So we separate because she says she needs to figure stuff out and find out what's she's feeling. She's also dealing with grief from the lose of her mother and stress in general, which she always had a hard time dealing with.

We went on a therapy retreat weekend together where she participated, but was still very withdrawn from me. During the weekend she suggested we see other people because that might give her some clarity. I said no way no how was I going to pre-approve an affair for my wife and if that happened we'd get divorced. She didn't put up a fight about it and she agreed she wouldn't see other people.

Now she is completely withdrawn from me. It's like she's a pod person. Completely emotionally unavailable to me. We have had sex while separated a couple ti,e, but emotionally she's just not there. No lights on.

So I do some snooping and find a lot of chat messages between her and the OM. There is no stuff about sex or love or anything like. But she's chats with him every day, for a good amount of time, and she's WAY more open and emotionally intimate with him than me. She also chats with him about our marriage, and told him way too many details about our separation. She also asks him advice about EVERYTHING.

Is this enough evidence for me to expose? All I have are the chats. I tell from the chats that they only see other when they're both out with their friends and that they're not meeting anywhere. At least they don't chat about it if they do, which would be weird since they chat about everything else.

If I present her with this stuff, she could easily say that they're just friends. But he's obviously meeting an emotional need for her while withholding those emotions from me.

And we're separated, so I can't keylog her computer or anything like that. I can track her emails, but her main contact with this guy is over chat.

Oh, and she's also trying to get this guy a job at the place where she works.

So what should I do? She really is completely closed off to me and in another world when we're together. But she emailed me today asking if we could get together this weekend to exchange x-mas presents (we didn't spend the holidays together and mutually decided to go into a 3 week NC period to sort of decompress after the therapy weekend).

Part of me wants to expose. The other part wants to go dark. And another part of me wants to see her and show her how good I look (been working out like crazy), how nice our apt looks now, and how much I've changed. Just can't decide which road to take here. It would be easier if I had proof of a PA.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

MrM,

A strong emotional attachment (EA) to a woman is usually even more intimate to them than a physical one (PA). Us men seem to make this important distinction, of "at least it's not a PA!" when to the wife, they've already emotionally checked out of the marriage and cheated on us.

So I think your question is positioned incorrectly. The question you need to ask is, "Should I expose an affair?"

And there are two strong camps on this one, and you'll never find consensus here (I'm personally in favor of exposure). I suggest the book "Not Just Friends" -- after reading it, you may have some more answers.

And to this:

Part of me wants to expose. The other part wants to go dark. And another part of me wants to see her and show her how good I look (been working out like crazy), how nice our apt looks now, and how much I've changed. Just can't decide which road to take here.

I would say "DO BOTH," meaning expose AND show her how good you look and how much you've changed!!

Let me ask you a question: in your marriage PRE-AFFAIR, would you say you were more the controlling type, or more the passive, pleasing type?

Puppy

[Still Waters]

I was the passive pleasing type all the way.

Which is why I feel like I need to take a stand here. But I think she's so far into denial, and filled with such guilt about everything, that she may not even realize that she's in an EA with this guy. But she does read books that I give her, which is why I considered having a copy of Just Friends with me if I expose. If she says "we're just friends" I can say "well, read this and then tell me if you still think you're just friends."

[Still Waters]

And Puppy, I've read your whole sitch and there was tons of incredibly helpful stuff in there. Thank you so much for sharing your insight with everyone.

[saffie]

MrMistakes,

When she corresponds with this guy is she telling him things that you think she wouldn't want to admit to you she is saying? If that is the case it has obviously gone too far and that is one way of drawing it ti her attention that it is more than just a general friendship.

[Still Waters]

Yes, she definitely has told him things that she wouldn't admit to me. For one, she described me as being incredibly depressed this summer and painted me to be some kind of cold, near suicidal mute. Which is exaggerating beyond belief! I was SLIGHTLY depressed because things with my job weren't going very well, but I got through it and now I'm completely fine.

From their chats, I can how she is leaning on him for support. They used to chat about me back when we first separated, talking about how sad I was because I was so upset that she was leaving. But now they don't chat about our M anymore. But she does tell him all her problems, asks him for advice with her job and with her friends, tells him any exciting news that happens with her. And he's the same way with her.

And she doesn't tell me most of the things she tells him. She doesn't ask me for advice anymore, she doesn't tell me good news right away, and she definitely doesn't come to me for support and encouragement when she's feeling down.

So, it seems like they're in an EA and won't even admit it to each other. But from the outside it's pretty clear to me. The OM is also kind of an aloof guy, and has always been weird with girls. As in, girls have liked him before but they could never tell if he liked them. So my W may be into him and he's not quite responding. Which is maybe why she wants to do the separation and not divorce yet to see if the OM will respond before she leaves me. How nice.

And that's why it really bothers me that she's trying to get him a job where she works, which will put them together every single day.

[Still Waters]

One more thing. A few weeks ago my W was upset because my sister had emailed her to wish her a merry xmas and to let her know that she could call her if she needed someone to talk to. That made my W upset because she felt like my sister was putting pressure on her. Geez, some pressure. Wishing merry xmas to someone you've known for 10 years.

Anyway, I saw my W right after that and I tried to calm her down by saying not to worry about what my sister or family thinks and that this was only about us, no one else.

Well when I said that my W started tearing up, but she looked away from me. She wouldn't make eye contact. I had to say "Look at me, look at me, it's only about us, ok?" And she just nodded.

She's definitely got her mind on this guy. But the question remains. To confront, or not to confront.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sounds to me that your answer is pretty clear.

[saffie]

Me too. If she tells him things she wouldn't want you to know she is telling him then the answer is confront....it has gone beyond mere friendship.

[Still Waters]

I know, I know. Part of my indecision is because of how DR seems to suggest not talking about the R at all and making believe that everything is fine. Fake it till you make it.

But, for my own piece of mind, I think I should confront her about it once. And then never bring it up again.

Here's what I think I'll say:

"I know you're hurt, confused, and scared right now, and I want you to know that I do have the patience, strength, and love to work through this with you. And I do not want a divorce. But every day that goes by I lose a little bit of that patience, and I gain a lot more strength. I've made the choice to commit to this marriage and to do everything I can to show you that I can meet all of your needs. So now the choice is yours. You can either choose to work on this marriage with me, and if you do I believe that it can become stronger than its ever been. Or you can continue to see if there's something better out there for you. But you can't have both. Because there's no way for us to make any real progress while you're emotionally involved with someone else."