I want to thank you both for your caring. You have no idea how much I appreciate it since I have no one I can talk to openly about this. My mind is made up now to how I need to handle everything in my life and that is how I will do it. He is telling me to keep walking, deal with everything in stride, do not stop do not relent. I am doing that, but I also know I have let out too much emotion which I am not used to doing. so , I will lock them down for now. My survival will be to get some rage in me. Survivalist say the only way to fight for your life is to get mad and fight. I've pretty much had it with the waiting and everything else I have been doing. My life is to deal with what I am handed, to the best of my ability. She is not anything I "control" and I never thought I did. How people view me is of no concern to me. what my kids think of me is huge. And trust me, they think a lot of me, they hear it in my voice, see it in my eyes and my actions. I am not laying down on this pity pillow as far as they are concerned. You're talking about 4 kids who want me to date and find the next Mrs. LD. Yep, that's what they want. What do I want, let's see, $68000 to do everything to finish my house quickly and pay my bills to where they need to be, See my grandbabies graduate from college, share my happiness and joys and fears with someone who loves me. I don't just mean my kids and friends and families, well, you get the drift.
I am praying hard to hear something, I need to walk, that is clear. He doesn't really care what I do to get my ass up as long as it is up. So I will go back to the one "attitude" that helped mye "survive as a kid, the one thing that confused so many people, the one thing that made me" National Honor Society", "hard -ass SOB who got into fights regularly", "Most Talented" and "Nuts". Yes I was allof those things. And it helped me when I was alone, it defined who I was, and I overcame everything that stood in my way. Its a survivalist mentallity. Rage against the machine. It is my last chance at this. DB'ng isn't going to help "us". she has no contact with me. She has no money so calling her tomorrow for the insurance money is a complete waste of time. I won't call her. If I have to sell a kidney topay bills because of this, then I sell my kidney. I am tired of asking, I am now going to do what I have always done. 180, yeah, its the one attitude that I thought I would never breath back into life again, but now I have no choice, the only way to get through this is to stop being the "victim". And the only way to do it is through my "rage". It will not let me fail, at all. I know it sounds bad, but it isn't.
FH, I love hearing about your situation and pray to God I can get where you and so many are. You knowsomeday, I pray soon, I will have that happiness again in my life, but for now I will let the pain fuel the rage and force me to overcome. I have a lot of thinking to do and projects I need to get done, finally, this weekend. I will have D17 in school at some level, hopefully by tuesday, they have no school on Monday.
25Year, I pray for your sitch and feel your frustration and pain as well. Your words are encouraging as you have seen me post several of your phrases that I do hold to me. Rage will save me. Believe it or not. It is already helping me. Do I care what people think about me? Not really. Do I do what I do to please other people, not anymore. Rage will prevent me from emoitonally saying or doing anything. It keeps everything to a get it done mentallity and screw everyone else. I will not walk on eggshells, I will not bend, I will not relent. This is what I need to get through this. Will she be back, I pretty much doubt it. But I still need to get over it and I will. She is in a place where she wants to be. whether she is miserable or happy is of no concern to me anymore. It is her life, she doesn't care about me, I shal;l return the emotion.
Unconditional Love, yeah I have that. Unconditional Rage, do I have that? Yes. I am not a martyr, or self righteous a??hole, I am who I am. I am a person everyone likes now even more than before. But now I need to be what I need to be, that is heartless, emotionless, and do things that need to get done without letting my feelings or emotions have any part of it. D17 will finish her Junior year of hifgh school kicking and screaming, she will finish! Make no mistake of that. I have a plan and it will work, because I say so. Controlling, you bet your life it is. Better job, better finances, better living beter life, yep, all that and soon, because I will rage towards those ends with great and reckless abandon. D21 will move in and I will get her finances straightened out, immediately. controlling, Yes again. Because someone has too. These are my children, yes I let them fall, but they are not getting back up, I have waited for them to pick themselves up, but they haven't. So now i will give them a hand up and a boot in the ass. And then I will kiss their foreheads and tell them, do not wait on others to bail you out, when you fail and fall, get up, learn what made you fail, and never do it again.
Yes, the rage is already working in me. God has told me to dust this emoition and attitude off . I will not be mean, or cruel, or judgemental, I will be what I need to be to get through this and get this walk under way. Pity party, thats what I hate most right now. See it, read it, understand it. couldn't shake it because I let all me emoitons out and all my feelings. Not anymore, I will harness them, bottle them and use them as fuel. If all I will feel is pain for a while, then that is good, I will hold it to me and let it fuel my rage. Don't worry, rage I control, it doesn't control me. But it will keep me focused, hhard, but focused. The only thng with rage is there is no room for compassion. I know this, I will need to be careful in that area. This is the biggest 180 I can do.
