I am taking a step back. For those being sick and tired of me complaning and moaning, I will stay quiet. Need to make a decision. Do I want this man, or not? Can he make me happy? All this "make yourself happy" is fine, but "life not shared is life stolen and wasted" as a greek wonderful song says... I can be happy on my own but then why would I need to stay married to him?
Forrest you said it shows in my posts I dont want to lose him. I am not sure you are right. I am questioning that. I think I am stubornly insisting that he could give me what I want while he proves day after day he cant. Maybe he wants to, but he CANT. Did I mention my friend visiting last nght called him "emotionally invalid". Ali told me "your H sounds like he has no idea what love is". I have heard that before. It made me think afterwards. Does he? Obviously not. And probably I didnt either before all this started. But I learnt, the hard way. And now I know, and I can tell what a compromise is and what's the difference between that and settling. But..., I insist. Because I dont want to let go of my "family". Because I fought so damn hard for a year and it makes me feel hollow to give up now. Because I am afraid that raising the kids outside of a family will mean financial struggle, insecurity, lonely nights and I will not make it to the end. Because I am scared I am dreaming of non realistic situations and relationships meaning: can any marriage be what I want? Am I a dreamer? An immature girl not facing reality? Because at nights, when I see bad dreams, I feel like I am a 6 yrs old, never an adult, I need someone, anyone, to just "be there" even if that is not true, even if that is just an idea I carefully maintain alive.
So, I guess, I cant hide any longer. I cant run from myself. I am lonely and miserable. I am taking a step back and talking to my IC, I need to do what is best for me, and to be "best" it has to be without guilt or regrets...
