you say you have a "fairly good r" otherwise, but in an earlier post you discuss how you want her to know how close you are to leaving. Seems to me that regardless of what started it all, your m is in trouble and you MIGHT want to read DB Remedy book (I prefer that one b/c it presupposes you don't like divorce and spends less time on why divorce is a bad idea generally than the first DB book). Also, you are assuming your sex life and issues are completely related to sex drive, whereas there may be other issues bothering your wife that are not apparent to you.
For instance, hypothetically, if you have a temper but cool off fast, you may not realize that your wife is still hurt the next day, b/c you are "over it" and therefore it'd take you by surprise to learn that the reason she wasn't "in the mood" is b/c she's hurt by something you forgot you said.
Just a thought. I guess I don't believe that SSM's are as one dimensional as some people think. There are usually other issues in it. If you truly have a HSD and or hers is simply a low sex drive, that's one thing. THEN I'd say just read the SSM book and do what it says...but you were talking about leaving the m. I mean if it's otherwise pretty good....why would you leave? B/C it's important? Oh, then read all you can...
From my experience, a love letter won't do much if it isn't what's missing for HER. Have you tried Chapman's "Five Love Languages"? The way you want to show your love for her, may not be the way she wants to receive it. Make sense?
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You will just have to read my thread's for my whole story. Being a HD H in a M to a LD W has turned me into someone that I am not. I did listen to, support her, communicate feelings, etc. when we had a normal SL together. When the sex gets pulled out from under an HD it turns your whole world upside down. Going for a year without sex would end many marriages. Indeed it almost did end ours several years ago.
I don't want to live a lie any longer and that is what this feels like. A part of our R is missing and it causes me to act in ways I never imagined. Unless you are HD and have experienced it, you have no idea how it messes with your head.
Read LL BTW, performing Acts of Service (her LL). For a LD makes no difference where sex in concerned. She feels more loved, doesn't crank up her desire though. I have tried so hard to give without expectations. The beast in me can lay dormant for only so long. I don't know what else to do any more.
Must get to sleep now.
~5
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
I get that this is a big problem. Don't need to read all the posts and threads to understand or agree with you. I do. I was simply confused about saying the R was fine otherwise. Honestly, to me, that's like saying "except for when h hits me, we're fine" and acting as if that's ok. For the life of me, I don't know what ld's think the rest of us are supposed to do. No, I don't have a SSM in the sense that you do; but my h is gone A LOT so in a way yes I do. But the rejection I'd feel if he were here and saying "not tonight" night after night, would be worse. I know couples, a few, who have not ml in months or years, and then act truly surprised when the WAS walks...what were they thinking? I always wonder how long they thought their spouse would last...
So, I was confused as to what you are expecting from your w. Either she gets it, or she doesn't. THere's a thread with Likingmeagain, I think, that discusses the viewpoint of the LD person pretty well. She gets it now, but it took her h to be a WAS for her to realize...what a drag. You may want to read her, but she's in the infidelity forum for obvious reasons now. She's a good person who made a bad mistake and now, so has her h....
good luck j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Simply put, we have never tried this, and our of respect for him, our marriage and myself I am willing to give it one last try. I could just walk away, and then I wouldn't truly know if I had tried everything.
Sounds like your as confused as us 'j' Cinco and I pull out our hair here, don't worry. We actually have the same questions as you. But for us, ( and pardon me Cinco for speaking for us ) but we have both decided that BEFORE we walk, and before we end it we will give it a last attempt. Your right, we pretty much have been given the answers here. We are just hoping by taking different approaches ( whatever they are for both of us ) that it might open a door. If not, we are prepared to walk out of that door.
Hi, Diane. Glad to hear he's not ignoring you, just not on line yet. Maybe he'll have some thoughts organized by then. Keeping my fingers crossed!
Back in the summer when I was getting rants and tantrums & accused of trying to change him 1000% etc. etc. etc. (and all you guys were getting my rants & frustration and - grief) we went to an auction of horse stuff. Today a horse stuff catalog came. H was paging thru it & saw an item he thought was a good idea. I said it went for X $$ cheaper at the auction. He asked me why I didn't bid on it or anything else. (I was helping run it) & I said I was worried about spending the $$. He said, "Why?, I've never objected to $$ you spend for horse stuff". I told him I was afraid of setting him off & didn't want to start an argument - (being passive-aggressive he might have brought it up on the way home, that night, days later or in front of someone) He had no idea that all that while I was trying not to cause him to flip out beacause I dreaded it when he did. Coming up in a family where loud arguments were the norm, I guess he doesn't realize how it sounds, altho he sure used the tantrum thing when he wanted something to go away.
He's still not talking about the things I've asked him, but once in awhile a little word or two peeks out. We haven't had any big yelling thing (knock on wood) for a few weeks. He doesn't seem depressed. I wonder how much of that has to do w/finding out he doesn't have cancer, or sleeping better, or getting a better fix on our relationship. We lost our dog Fri nite from an illness and he actually talked a lot about how he felt. Usually he'd say very little-didn't want to be caught crying, which he thinks is stupid for a man to do.
So it seems he's trying not to yell & cares about my feelings enough to tell me more about what's OK w/him, and ask me what I'd like - about everything except - sex. Its great not to have him always crabby and making heavy weather out of every little thing. As they say in sports, I want to take it to the next level. I'm hoping his being more talkative and a little more open about other feelings is a step toward talking about intimacy. We're deep into snuggling weather here, zero last nite & super cold next few days. Opportunity to spend time cuddling & I hope, talking a little bit more.
I hope your H starts opening up more than he has in the past. Guys don't get that we're not mind readers and they sure don't realize we don't think exactly the way they do so communication is a necessity for them, not just some frilly girly thing. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
Well,he replied. He first sent an email saying he received mine and would reply shortly. I thought that was very nice. Did I get a huge letter answering all my questions?.............. OF COURSE NOT! lol But, I'm not upset by it, nor did I expect a miracle. I am over the moon that he replied at all.
He mentioned that... well, Ill paste ... This is what he wrote..
I love you more than you will ever know, you and the kids mean everything in the world to me, so when you said you where threw it cut me more than you will ever know as I give all that I am to you. You say once again no sex, well lately everything in our lives revolves around how I do things, so If I screw up its over you do not think this is a big deal??? I hope this is not what things have come down to but it feels this way for me so please understand that just because I am not like the rest of the people you know, does not mean I do not miss and love you guys so much it hurts, and will do all that I can. I know that my email is not as long as yours was and probably forgot a few things you thought were pretty important but please forgive me.
So, it seems he does feel pressured. Ughh, and OOPS! So, I responded telling him that I don't need huge steps here, that all I want is a starting point. I also mentioned that I was sorry if I have over the years pressured him. Then, cause he didn't answer anything I asked, I re-asked them.
(( AMEN )) lol Hopefully. I am hopeful though. I will say this, at 3:30 am last night I sent another e-mail. Just commented on this statement of how I cut him like I'd never understand by telling him we would be over if this continued. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WHAT about the OVER 5 years of celibacy.
I wasn't mean about it, as I don't want him to climb back into his hole. However, I did state that I can understand how I hurt him, but can he not understand how it would make a woman feel when her husband didn't touch his wife barely for over 5 years, and then would NOT tell her why.... ??? I mean, Helloooooooooooooooo ! lol I Arghh, so I was nice about it, but I had to say it.
SO it seems I have started the ball rolling. Well see if it continues.
(( AMEN )) lol Hopefully. I am hopeful though. I will say this, at 3:30 am last night I sent another e-mail. Just commented on this statement of how I cut him like I'd never understand by telling him we would be over if this continued. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WHAT about the OVER 5 years of celibacy.
I wasn't mean about it, as I don't want him to climb back into his hole. However, I did state that I can understand how I hurt him, but can he not understand how it would make a woman feel when her husband didn't touch his wife barely for over 5 years, and then would NOT tell her why.... ??? I mean, Helloooooooooooooooo ! lol I Arghh, so I was nice about it, but I had to say it.
SO it seems I have started the ball rolling. Well see if it continues.
(( AMEN )) lol Hopefully. I am hopeful though. I will say this, at 3:30 am last night I sent another e-mail. Just commented on this statement of how I cut him like I'd never understand by telling him we would be over if this continued. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WHAT about the OVER 5 years of celibacy.
I wasn't mean about it, as I don't want him to climb back into his hole. However, I did state that I can understand how I hurt him, but can he not understand how it would make a woman feel when her husband didn't touch his wife barely for over 5 years, and then would NOT tell her why.... ??? I mean, Helloooooooooooooooo ! lol I Arghh, so I was nice about it, but I had to say it.
SO it seems I have started the ball rolling. Well see if it continues.
