I decided that instead of giving my wife an ultimatum, I would attempt to communicate my feelings about the way our marriage is to her instead. In M/V there is a chapter about writing a "Love Letter" to your spouse. The letter is meant to convey your feelings in a loving way. I'm not sure that it did much of anything for her. I did help me to get these feelings out and onto paper and then to read and give them to her. Here is what I wrote:
A Love Letter Date: January 9, 2009
Dear W,
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
I don't like that our sex life is the last thing on your mind. I feel frustrated that we don't have a physical relationship any longer. I want to kiss you passionately. I want for you to show me affection. I want for us to share amazing feelings together. I am angry that you don't feel that this is an important part of our marriage.
I feel hurt that you reject me over and over. I feel disappointed that no matter what I do nothing ever seems to change for us. I am sad that we have lost so many years of our life together without this simple pleasure. I wanted for our marriage to be full of passion.
I am afraid that if we continue like this, it will cause another split up. I do not want to split up. I need for you to see how important this is for the survival of our marriage. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I am sorry for the things that I have done to contribute to our problems. I feel ashamed for the way that I reacted to your rejection. I didn't want to hurt you as I pulled away from you. I am sorry that I didn't give you support in the ways that you needed for me to.
I love you W. I understand that we have had our problems. I know that there is so much right and good about our marriage. I want for us to be as happy as we can be together. I love so much about you and I want to share this with you again.
Love, H
P.S. The response I would like to hear from you:
H, I never realized that this has caused so much pain for you. I promise that I will do everything that I can to revive my desire for you. I love you so much and I want for our marriage to be full of passion again too.
Again, these are things that I think she already knows and have been said in other ways overs the years. It did help for me to release a lot of my resentment and pain. I am learning to let go and be at peace with the way that she is. If she has no more affection to give me, then I can't ask for more than there is for her to give.
If the end of our marriage inevitable, then at least I will know that I tried so hard. There may be nothing either of us could do to change the way that we are towards one another. I keep prying that her passion for me will return. I accept now that this may never happen.
W did get a job and starts work Friday! It's at least one bit of good news. I also have a job prospect in the works again so it would be great if I can get this one.
