WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[25yearsmlc]

I'm sorry but did you think you were the ONLY LBSer here? Are you the only one who had to hold their d's at night, crying b/c "if daddy loved us he wouldn't have left" and how many messes we ALL had to clean up b/c of the WAS who NEVER saw any of it? Hello?? That's the deal. We feel the pain and we deal with the pain the WAS causes....what's new in your sitch? Every LBSer with kids has been there. It's worse with smaller and younger kids, trust us, I have both.

You are not alone in this. But to hear you tell it, your D has done something to you b/c she won't condemn your w and instead is trying to have an R with her mom AND dad....and don't think for a minute that d17 didn't notice who was there and who wasn't..... She KNOWS!! Yes, your w left you. That sucks. SHe also left your daughters. Your d17 is angry, but now is remorseful (which is why the other daughter is asking you about it) and your d17 is confused.

YOUR SOLUTION? "F--- them all!" That'll show them!! Great. Very strong and attractive. If you were the only person to go through this, I guess I'd feel really sorry for you, but not attracted. Instead, you are among many others who've been through the same or more, and for longer, with small children who say they "hate them for making the WAS leave..." and mean it, for awhile. I can't count the times my d11 (then d8) said it was my fault H left, or that if he'd "loved us, he'd have stayed here..." Never once did she say anything like that to h. WHy? Read the books on kids and divorce. Having a parent leave the home rocks the world. It means that it's NOT safe out there. Some people only love you a certain amount and it's conditional. YOUR love for your daughter, in her time of need, is conditional on how she treats you at this terrible time in her life. You'll hold today's comments against her? For how long? A day? No, you act as if she had a tatoo artist carve it on your chest. FORGET about what your d17 said in her pain. She lashed out. Haven't you done the same? Let it go. Back on the saddle and move on....this is not about your daughter and you, it's about your daughter's pain. BE above this as your d21 will see, and guide your d17 to the truth. Forget about your wife and stop competing with her.

Be loving and firm and kind and of all things, be forgiving...you are so consumed with your anger and pain, you forgot there is another person aching and in pain and who feels rage as well...your 2 daughters. BE there for them even when it's tough. That's when parenting counts the most.

WHen my kid told me she hated me I told her "Too bad b/c I love you anyhow, and you still have to do your chores..." and that no matter what, I'd always put her happiness first in my life. (I said that part later). She never said it again.
As hard as the kids were then, they each have problems with h now, not me. He has to deal with those issues and R's himself now. NOT my problem.
Enough of a 2 x 4? You are not alone and your pain, though deep, has been experienced before. So have the betrayals. You can survive this; we did.

(( j ))