Here is my story and my first post. Please bear with me it is long! I am 40 - H is 43. Married 15Y. Two kids 10, 5.

He has always been very HD. I never was at his level but was higher before kids. Despite that, I felt I wanted to please him. We probably had sex about 2x a week sometimes more - sometimes less. He constantly felt that it was not enough and it was a real source of resentment that would occasionally raise its head. He rarely brought it up - I would just get the cold shoulder. I would initiate it and things would be better for a few days. It was like he got all pouty and I just new that was what it was about. He has not initiated it for quite some time. He also does not put a lot of effort into it from his side. I would initiate things to keep us happy and to try to connect. Many times I didn't want it but once we got going I got into it. I'm sure he may have sensed I was not always wanting it but I was trying right?

Things have been getting progressively worse since January. He told me his New Years resolution was that he was never going to ask for sex again. He was tired of begging, he has done it for years and he is done. I don't understand this since I felt like I was the one who initiated things because he did not. Maybe his way of initiating things and my way of interpreting it just did not jive. Since then, I just kept going along as I had in the past; I was the one to initiate it but it was not great. He started to have problems getting aroused when he never had problems before.

Three weeks ago I read the SSM. I looked at him in a whole new light. I completely changed my feelings almost overnight. I fell in love with him again. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I just wanted to be with him. The sex was just as frequent but now I was really wanting it and enjoying it. I was wanting it more and thought about it all the time - it was like we switched roles.

We did not spend much time together. You know the old living in the same house but with separate lives. My 180 was to spend time with him whenever I could. Watch TV together, tried to call him more often, let the housework wait. Changed my attitude and tried to make him feel like he was more important than anything. I thought this would be different for him since I felt like we spent so much time apart and we rarely connected. I started stopping to hug him, touched him as I passed by, held his hand and initiated sex every night. I really opened my eyes to see how he would react.

What I found was he did not withdraw but he was VERY standoffish. I think even more standoffish than when I started this 180 but maybe I just wasn't noticing it before. He didn't pull away but he didn't really respond either. I would initiate sex and he did not seem to be into it at all. When I asked him about it he said it was "my choice" if I wanted to make love to him. He did not participate - almost did not touch me at all and would only kiss me if I kissed him first. He says he does not want sex anymore - he is tired of asking and begging and he is just not interested. I asked if he was not interested in sex with me or not interested in sex. He said he is "just not interested".

On the other hand, he does not stop me and his body does respond most times - though not as quickly as it used to. When I ask if I should continue he says it is "my choice" . If I ask if he is enjoying what I am doing he shrugs his shoulders. I really do want to continue but not if it is one sided! But if I stop then he will take it that I am not interested in sex - just as he has said all along. I asked him if he masturbates while he is alone and he emphatically said yes so if he does that how can he not be interested in sex?

So here is my quandary? I thought I was doing a 180 but it is having the opposite results of what I expected. If I do a 180 from my 180 he will really think I want no contact and I think the resentment will grow even worse. I think we will grow farther and farther apart. Should I keep doing what I am doing -;maybe the 180 has not had time to take affect yet. Should I try something else - but what? Out of bed during our daily interactions he is not being mean but seems almost a fake friendly - like he is talking to a neighbor or something. He makes absolutely no attempt at physical contact unless I touch him first - even then it is very guarded. I don't know if I am just perceiving that his coldness towards me is worse in the last 3 weeks because I am being more aware or if the 180 is actually causing it. I really want to do something. Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

dreamit