Wheee, I am so relieved you replied. Listen, I didn't mean to sound ugly about the dreams, but when you said what you did about the other, well, it really concerned me b/c that is some bad stuff to get into. Anyway, my grandmother used to tell me "old wives tales" about the meaning behind certain dreams (I may have told you....)anyway, that is all it is, just old tales. But if she puts a lot of stock into them, she will allow that to guide her life just as some people depend on their daily "readings" to guide them. I know everyone has the freedom to believe as they see fit and I don't mean to step on that if it sounds that way, I just was concerned.

I am kind of sorry that she heard about the board also b/c that seems to be happening with some of our folks lately. Well, you could get another email address and register under a different nickname where she would not know who you were, if you needed to do that, but the old posts would still be here. Anyway, if she reads them, it is what it is and can't be undone. I just don't want to see you leave us.

The problem about trying to get a spouse that is wanting to leave the M is they can't read a book or see a M video or even talk to a M counselor with a real open mind like they need to b/c they are not going to hear what they "want" to hear, so they will tune it out. I have been there, sweetie, I know! I tried to read a book about how Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley and I hated it b/c I was not "ready" for it. My heart was closed to anything he said.

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My current plan is just to be a good friend with my W and see what we can do together to have fun. No touching, no M/R talk, no talk about the past or future. No intimacy phys or emotional is the plan. I hope I can do the above while detaching.


You know what? I think that is a very good plan! When she does not feel pressure or threaten in any way, she will begin to relax and enjoy just being friends. When she trusts you not to try to jump her bones , and can just feel "free" to be herself around you, then so much of that tension will leave her. It will be awfully hard on you, though. I noticed in my H in years past that he could not reframe from using some type of sexual induendo (sp?) and it would spoil everything for me b/c I knew that was what he really was leading up to by being "nice" to me. So, it will be a huge test for you. I suppose it could not be any worse than this, right?

Just want to add one thing about the "detachment". I have decided to start using the term to "pull back" more than detachment. It means the same in the DB principles, but I fear that so many are allowing it to go too far to the place that it backfires on them. Know what I mean? So, while you are being friends, be sensitive to her feelings and emotions and moods and conversation, to know when to "pull back" some. You will probably know if you start smothering her again, b/c she will pull away from you. Whenever you feel her pulling away.....that's your sign for YOU to back off. Maybe that is the term to use....."back off"

Take care,
Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!