Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

OK so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with an EA that I highly suspect my WAS is having. I was doing great with the DB'ing until I slowly became aware of this. Now I'm not sure what to do. Do I expose? Here's what I know:

She's known this guy for years and this past summer they worked closely together on a long project. Another guy working on the project said that they were being very friendly, but he didn't see anything physical or shady going on.

Then this fall my wife drops the bomb. Out of the blue she breaks down crying one night saying she can't do this anymore and asking "How can you be happy?" Kind of weird for her to say that and not "I'm not happy!" But whatever. So we separate because she says she needs to figure stuff out and find out what's she's feeling. She's also dealing with grief from the lose of her mother and stress in general, which she always had a hard time dealing with.

We went on a therapy retreat weekend together where she participated, but was still very withdrawn from me. During the weekend she suggested we see other people because that might give her some clarity. I said no way no how was I going to pre-approve an affair for my wife and if that happened we'd get divorced. She didn't put up a fight about it and she agreed she wouldn't see other people.

Now she is completely withdrawn from me. It's like she's a pod person. Completely emotionally unavailable to me. We have had sex while separated a couple ti,e, but emotionally she's just not there. No lights on.

So I do some snooping and find a lot of chat messages between her and the OM. There is no stuff about sex or love or anything like. But she's chats with him every day, for a good amount of time, and she's WAY more open and emotionally intimate with him than me. She also chats with him about our marriage, and told him way too many details about our separation. She also asks him advice about EVERYTHING.

Is this enough evidence for me to expose? All I have are the chats. I tell from the chats that they only see other when they're both out with their friends and that they're not meeting anywhere. At least they don't chat about it if they do, which would be weird since they chat about everything else.

If I present her with this stuff, she could easily say that they're just friends. But he's obviously meeting an emotional need for her while withholding those emotions from me.

And we're separated, so I can't keylog her computer or anything like that. I can track her emails, but her main contact with this guy is over chat.

Oh, and she's also trying to get this guy a job at the place where she works.

So what should I do? She really is completely closed off to me and in another world when we're together. But she emailed me today asking if we could get together this weekend to exchange x-mas presents (we didn't spend the holidays together and mutually decided to go into a 3 week NC period to sort of decompress after the therapy weekend).

Part of me wants to expose. The other part wants to go dark. And another part of me wants to see her and show her how good I look (been working out like crazy), how nice our apt looks now, and how much I've changed. Just can't decide which road to take here. It would be easier if I had proof of a PA.