just a note that your d's comments regarding becoming bitter, are red flags. You know this. You KNOW this. Your stbxw is the mother of your daughters, and for that reason alone, you must speak respectfully about her (in front of your daughters).
GAL and start it the times the girls are with their mom. And if they ask you if you want their mom to be happy, why isn't your answer "YES!" Honestly, Frank, you want her happy with YOU...but if you had the choice of having your wife back now, but miserable with you, would you truly want that? Would you want your daughters to see that? And to accept that?
You have to let your wife fall on her face and stop staring. The A will run its' course. It will. If it doesn't, if this OM really IS THE MAN for your w, so be it. Better to learn now than to waste more time trying to deny it. OM...who? He does NOT matter. Who cares where his truck is parked? What OM? WHO??? YOU DON"T KNOW B/C YOU DON"T CARE B/C YOU ARE GAL....
You are looping around and analyzing each interaction. Stop it. She needs some brochures and you have a machine that makes them....that's it. Poof. No mystery.
If she wants more from you or has something to tell you, she can use words...she knows where you are. Plan something fun with the girls. Do something fun with them. I told you I took my 3 kids to Italy for our 25th anniversary (h had no time off since gone to Alaska, then had maybe 'few days off, maybe...blah blah blah.") and I said, "no thanks, sorry cannot make plans at last minute forever"--story of a doctor's wife/life so we (me and kids) went to Rome and Florence for 2 weeks. Best money I ever spent/borrowed in my life. Seriously.
WE (yes, h and I and d11) are now planning a trip to Germany/Moscow where d19 is performing ( I know, Moscow in the winter??....how 'Tolstoi' of me) and this time, h will be coming too. I seriously doubt he'll have a hard time getting the days off this trip...but I will never again put an important trip or anything on hold, waiting for him or permission. Neither should you. Take the girls somewhere. Narrow down the choices so you know it's affordable and say, "Here are the choices. Where would you like to go?" and TAKE THEM...they'll remember it the rest of their lives and there are no reminders of stbxw where you go.
Never say never. But move on and whatever happens, do NOT let your daughters words/warning go unheeded. Demonstrate you will NOT become bitter. Join something or take a class Thursdays, etc. Be busy. GAL.
Talk to you soon, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll post more later but one thing she gave me examples about relationships using anonymous clients situations was this:
Same Values, Same Maturity level, equals 'real mature love'.
My STBX and I have different values when it comes to commitment. We are 10 years apart in age, and she is not mature.
Counselor said that she has worked with couples who have weathered cancer, accidents, deaths and much worse. Yet, because they had the same values and maturity their marriage survived.
You sound like you are doing pretty well now Frank. I dont want to criticize your posts, but darn it, can we start hearing about fun things you are doing by yourself and with your daughters.
What your counselor says is interesting. I do hope you are getting to a point where you dont need to see the counselor anymore.
When your financial situation recovers, you should take the girls and yourself on a marvelous vacation somewhere as 25yearsmlc suggests. I've taken a couple of vacations with my kids since the bomb and we had a great time.
My biggest issue is that I blame myself for the end of the relationship. I took on all the pressure of our life, didn't take care of ME, got depressed, then started drinking again at night.
I am supposed to be perfect. Supposed to 'take care' of W. I feel that I failed.
But I didn't. I kept a roof over our heads even while under enormous pressure. I wasn't abusive. I hurt.
The thing is, W has never really been 'enmeshed' in the relationship. She has always seen things from the perspective of how it affects 'her', which is somewhat narcissistic.
And, for at least the past 5 years she has been wanting to 'join the circus', and tried 3 years ago with her affair, and now she's in another affair and has left.
I've done the best I could given where I have been at in my own life. I realize now that she did very little to make me feel loved, and took care of her own needs while ignoring the needs of our kids, and of me.
As much as it has hurt, I don't need someone like that in my life. I felt left behind by her but now I'm leaving her behind and moving forward. I have the love of my daughters and the relationship I'm building with God.
I'm strong, a good man, a good father. I will continue to grieve and be angry for what she has done to betray the girls and I. But only for a little while longer.
I'm not guilty. I really did deserve to be helped by my W when I was down. I also take responsibility for my choices, my life.
in the end, we will be judged by how we dealt with many , as opposed to few.
I know I was willing to accept less from the 'many' when I needed to require more from the 'few'.
Now, I expect what I give to be returned at least in an equal way.
No more, No less.
Not because I don't love unconditionally. I do. Instead, it's because I love deeply. And a love like that requires at the least a form of respect and love I haven't seen.
Spending a lot of time thinking over a lot of things. I want my life to change. I want everything to change. So, to do that I have to change. Ok.
W called this afternoon and asked if she could come by on Saturday or Sunday and try to print her brochures. I said that would be great, come any time.
Then she said she should probably take her computer. I said 'ok'.
I was pleasant. Not because I want her to like me, but because _I_ want to like me.
Whatever will happen is not up to me. I just don't want to be hurt or angry any more.
