Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[theotherhalf]

your right MWG, never thought of it, I guess, I guess I just wanted to be sure he knows how much I appreciate it. And I really do. He pushed snow again today. I said thanks when he was done. He did come in for about 5 min or so, but that was it and I left it at that as well.

Can't I get just a little credit around here? I am telling you that I AM in the place where I am doing things for ME and ONLY for ME, I honestly think I am giving up most hope that H will ever come back to me. Sometimes, for a second here and there I am even wondering if I really want him to. I have had enough, not enough to file for D, yet, but enough.

This time after climbing out of my hole my thoughts are changing, my strength is growing, and all the good stuff that comes along with it.

Little goals I have set for ME:
To paint all the projects I have waiting to be done.
To try and make a go out of selling on e=bay.
To weed out alot of stuff in my house and shed (ebay)
(above is to prepare for moving if I have to)
To learn how to play the guitar.
To decide where I want to be in 5 years

Ideas in my head:
Do I want to stay here and try and make MY dreams of this place come true? Or could I? Would it work?
or
Thinking of maybe filing, selling all, taking my half and moving the h*ll out of here. This idea is sounding better and better every day. Anybody from mid to southern Missouri? I am thinking I am 42 years old. I have to start over. I can go anywhere I want. (I've always like Missouri and the weather is very tempting) I have thought all along that if I move, I'd probably go somewhere near the city I grew up. (better jobs, better money). I don't really want to. When I left there I swore I'd never go back. Sooo I am thinking go somewhere else, try it, if it doesn't work out I can always come back and move there...

This is all the crap going on in my head. I am not sitting here anymore waiting for my H to come back, or to file. For now I am biding my time. I want to stay here till D17 graduates. That is in May. I love my H very very much. I wish that he could work through this mess he's made and find his way home. But we don't always get what we wish for do we? FINALLY I've decided that is his to deal with. MLC or not he's made his choice. Some will say he's not decided because he's not filed, but today I don't think that anymore. I think he has other reasons for not filing and none of them have anything to do with loving me or wanting to be with me. I don't have a clue what they are, maybe it's just plain cowardness, don't know, don't care. I have my hands and my head full of working out my own stuff.

And Bworl, I didn't leave that part out for any other reason other than I just did. And your right, my H hasn't nothing to do with any of these things going on with me other than they wouldn't be if he wouldn't have left. A little part of me wonders if I did move if he would follow, but right now that doesn't matter, he does not fit into the pictures in my head.