I'm sorry those thoughts intruded on your activity. It sucks that those feelings can just pop up anywhere at anytime. For me, it's the lack of control over those thoughts that's driving me crazy right now.
You should NOT feel guilty about thinking about D. I agree with naej, everyone's situation is different (while eerily similar) and you need to do what's best for you. I'm struggling with the boundaries issue myself and am also seriously considering leaving. You are not alone in those thoughts.
Keep up the good work, you are doing whatever it takes to be good to yourself!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
One thing I haven't journalled about and which kinda' explains why the going dim is easier for me right now, is what happened at the very end of my last brief telephone conversation with h last week.
I commented that he sounded tired and his voice was raspy, as if he might be getting a cold. In a somewhat unpleasant tone of voice he said something like "well, I wish I could say that it was because I was up all night having fun", or words to that effect.
We have never spoken to each other like that...and particularly in this context I thought it was insensitive and, at best, a poor attempt at crude humour.
I decided not to "call" him on it because frankly I really don't want to engage at that level right now. But the upside is that it has helped me want to be away from him, whatever it is that he is going through, his unusual behaviour and the influence of perhaps an unstable or uncertain relationship with ow.
The truth is that I wouldn't change places with him right now. I'm often sad and still sometimes anxious, but I know where the ground is beneath my feet and I'm becoming more of who I want to be.
He may have spoken that way because he is depressed.
Next time try to reply with some lighthearted humor. Maybe say, "Yeah, I wish I could say that about myself as well!" Or something much more clever...
Try not to take that stuff personal and any time he talks with anger or says something mean, just let it go. Believe me... there is a small part of them that wants you to "call" them on it and fight. Anything to convince them that they have made the best decision. Don't let yourself fall into it.
I used to imagine myself as Mother Thesera (in fact, I still try to be a little like that... more accepting, more forgiving... more understanding...). But more like a combo Mother Thesera/Marilyn Munroe.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
This caught my eye.. "I commented that he sounded tired and his voice was raspy, as if he might be getting a cold. In a somewhat unpleasant tone of voice he said something like "well, I wish I could say that it was because I was up all night having fun", or words to that effect."
Have you ever had any DB coaching? Mine, Jody helped me with this. I would often remark that my ex sounded tired, or low, or ask if he was ok.. and he would respond with something defensive, or closed off, or flippant "still taking these damn pills ha"..and I took that personally.. like you I thought, why is he like that with ME? I know him best, I am only showing concern...
Well, she explained that the depressed WAS doesnt like it. It reminds them that they are weak, vunerable, they dont want to be seen that way. Men dont like to be viewied as weak and struggling and so unless they ask YOU for help, they dont want to be prodded about it. She also said, that if you are depressed, but you drag yourself into work and begin to feel a bit brighter... as soon as someone says "hey, are you ok?" you are right back feeling depressed again and its unpleasant. WOman like it when people notice when they are down, men dont, gnerally.
SO.. dont take it personally! She said.. say to him, hey I'm sorry you feel low but I know you have the ability to overcome this, or something like that...say I believe you are going to get past this and you know whats best for you.. I cant remember her exact words, but its more, lift them up and boost their confidence than wallow in how crap they feel.
Also..yes its insensitiv, but all the WAS are like that.. they dont have the capacity to feel YOUR pain, or think about how this is affecting you.
I would advise just trying to work on feeling compassionate and forgiving towards him, I am sure he is suffering, is in hell, is depressed and never meant to hurt you. Whether you get back together or not, its better to be forgiving, IMHO.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hmm, something AliSuddenly said just clicked with me. When BF said the other night he was lost and didn't know what he wanted, it never occurred to me to use that as a building up/compliment opportunity. This is why I read other threads!
WIT, I know the thoughtless comments hurt. I'm still reeling a little bit from BF's comments in C yesterday. But the others are right, we have to learn how to turn it around by either making a light response or building up.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks folks. This is good advice. May not have much opportunity to implement it in the near future as the going dim is working well for my emotional and mental health.
Another friend commented that he was maybe trying to communicate something to me like "no, I'm not getting any". But when she said that, I found that I wasn't interested in analysing h. Guess I'm detaching ... which is good.
I've had to be at home today for logistical reasons. It gave me some time to surf the board.
I started to read some of the archived threads and realize that I'm not done with dbing for my marriage. I am dbing for myself, but I still hope that my m may be restored.
I don't know what to do next? The going dark is helping me but may not be helping my m. What to do?
Don't know what to tell you about what to do next, you know how I can't seem to make a decision and stick to it
What exactly are you looking for? Suggestions on specific tactics or activities? Or just a general game plan?
Whatever you do, please don't neglect your finances. Just because you've decided to keep DBing doesn't mean you should put that on hold. You still need to protect yourself.
What are your plans for the weekend?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I had a similar sitch to yours and I went dark after 2 months of H moving out and in with OW. I did it for me to heal. H left in Aug 08 with "I can't say what was wron with our marriage but I've fallen in love with some one else and so fallen out of love with you". He wanted to stay int he flat but I asked him to leave straight away. First few weeks was the usual crying, reasoning etc when we met and it was the same line.
Then I began DBing and I stop fighing him about leaving. We met for lunch a few times to discuss finances etc. He told me he was happy and it was the only decision he could have made. I then went dark - only contact via e-mail regarding financial stuff. He kept mailing/texting regarding irrelevant stuff but I just kept it to business. After 2 months of no contact he got in touch and wanted to meet. Again he had a reason to meet and he still wanted divorce. However on this meeting he did not seem "happy". I was distant and with advice from fellow Dbers and my DB coach I then sent him a friendly e-mail. This was in Nov 08.
Since we have been friendly and met up once in Dec as well but he is certain he still wants divorce and yet his mail still comes here and he refuses to give me the keys to the flat. He is still hanging on.
I am writing this brief re-cap of my sitch as I don't really have a thread. I would say go dark if it helps you to heal. I have finally detached in the last few weeks. It takes a different amount of time for different people. If you are going dim then make sure you do not contact him no matter what. Let him contact you and then take your time to decide if it needs a response and what type of response. You will find it really difficult the first 1-2 weeks and then it gets better. It also allows you to take the control back.
I have to go but I will check on you later and let me know if you have any questions.
Thanks Samina and Pearl. It's so good to have this board and to know that people are checking in when they have time. Thank you.
I'm open to ideas, anything really.
The going dark is helping and I think I need more of it. Silva, JD and I are on the 12-day challenge. I may need more than 12 days.
The going dark is helping me let down. I still gal, etc., but this week I've been sleeping alot. It feels like I needed it. Starting to feel more physically relaxed. I have to believe that is good.
There have been many small practical life challenges that I've faced with calmness and a solution-focus this week.
I will make plans for the weekend today - have a tentative plan with a new friend and will see others. Lots of exercise and some cooking and fixing up the house a bit.
Next week I need to re-commit to my training schedule because apart from going to the gym, I've taken this week off.
