Ali, you are right, my 'lying by omission' does not even compare!! if he brings it up I will be open but if he doesn't, it doesn't need discussing really.
Hey Sandy, thank you so much for stopping by and giving your input, I really appreciate it!
I am pretty happy in my life at the moment (apart from a brief January blues spell last week). And I think I will be happier once I am away from the house and memories, although it will be sad and hard letting go.
I also think you are right when you say this
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I was going to live the rest of my life happy....with him or without him
I am really feeling this at the moment. I don't miss him anymore, I don't long for him but I do still very deep down love him and believe in my marriage.
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Was I sad over losing my family..you bet ya. But I don't want to be sad forever
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I figured if I was moving on with my life and he decided he would return that would be good (but he gambled on that because I wasn't going to wait forever) and if he never returned..... well that was his loss and our childrens.
I found what you said here *really* helpful.
I suppose the problem is in not being available when he calls, texts, or wants to meet up is that he never calls, never suggests a meet up and barely texts! I do wait before responding, much more than I used to. You're right though it seemed to work... more in my next post.
H update - so when we left the my suggested meet up to talk about the house he had suggested Tues and I said no how about Weds.
I got a text last night asking if I was still free and would I like to go to P (a restaurant). This is unusual, a) it's an evening and therefore no particular cut off time to escape (although he may do the usual of saying he has to go at whatever time). and b) he hasn't suggested a meal since pre second bomb. Mostly it is drink so there is a get out if needs be.
I forgot to reply last night and when I was on the train this morning he sent me another text asking if I had got his last message 'because he was not sure what's happening'. Ok, can I vent here because it made me lol
Do you know how many times last year I sat there waiting for him to text to arrange whatever meeting we were having? Because, yes it *is* really annoying isn't it when someone does that... he used to do it every time and the one time I do it he gets all anxious (or whatever he is feeling!). Lesson for me there then.
So I another hour and a half and just replied 'sounds good, which one' (it is a chain). He replied with the location asking if I knew it. I replied with 'Yup, I know it. See you there at 5.30' - and didn't wait for him to suggest a time, I'm no longer into drawing blood from stones!
So meet up tonight, I am in a very positive mood today and have a great 180 outfit, although I'm having a bit of a bad hair day!! For me tonight is about the house, nothing more.
Julia, I havent posted for a while, but I always keep an eye on you. I dont feel I can give useful advice in some cases because sometimes I'm worried I will sound too radical/harsh on a few things, so, I keep quiet.
I am convinced, the only way an WAS will ever reconsider his/her actions is when he feel the LBS has REALLY moved on to having a happy life. We can fake it all we want, they seem to have a built-in BS detector and they know. Once we really start enjoying our life, they start looking our way.
I guess what I am saying is that I agree with Sandy. xxx K
Hey Julia.. I lost a post to you earlier. Grr! So.. sorry I didnt wish you good luck, well done on the hot 180 outfit and being decisive on the text with H.. and tell us all about it! Hope its going ok...
Thinking of you, this stuff is hard... wish we all had a time machine, zoom out of it...
(((Kalni))) Thank you, I can see that you are right - perhaps I wouldn't have seen that a little while ago... I think in the situatin where they have walked their guilt is such that they can't handle anything until you show them you are 'ok'.
(((Al))) A time machine would be good - I would have handled a lot of things differently if I went back but then I wouldn't have learnt. Zooming right out would be good but then he does not have such a massive impact on my life nowadays.
(((T))) My outfit was quite hot - I found some really good slimming underwear so I wore a tight skirt, heals, and tight shirt with just enough on show to make it interesting I actually caught him looking lol!!
So tonight. H was early to the restaurant and texted saying he was already in there and had got a table. I was slightly stressed when I got there as at work loads of water had just started pouring through the ceiling from the flat above and I'd just had to sort it. But I got it together pretty quick. I can't remember how the evening started up but we started chatting straight away - like two friends who hadn't seen each other for ages and had loads to catch up on. I remember that I took his lead and let him do most of the talking. We didn't even look at the menus for *ages*. The waiter had to come up about 3 times. Seriously, we were just talking and talking. Actually I remember it started with him moaning about work, I just listened and validated. But then we talked about ideas for my work as I was really enthusiastic about how well it was going and h was really interested and got enthusiastic too and gave me lots of encouragement and we batted round ideas.
I did say a few none DB things but they weren't OR related and did no damage and when I felt my emotions and assuming starting I gave myself a strict telling off in my head and checked myself - no OR talk at all that evening. I tried a few new things like when h was talking, giving my *full* attention, like eye contact and not even eating, I think it worked. I also caught h looking at me when I was on my way to the bathroom, when he realised I had seen he looked away quickly I also tried talking about my family news - like my sister getting married and me becoming an Auntie really soon and mutual (but more mine really) friends having a baby. I wouldn't have talked about this before as I would have been scared about it being pressure but he looked genuinely thrilled and enjoyed hearing about them. I also asked him how his tummy was (big risk!) but he seemed to really appreciate me asking and looked really genuinely thrilled when I said how pleased I was to hear he was well. I put the looking bad down to work stuff. He has also grown a beard!!! Nice!!
He seems to miss the cat a lot we talked about her, we talked about transport and video games (all things he likes to talk about!) and I was enthusiastic and he really got into it. We actually shared a dessert. I looked at my watch and it was 8 o'clock - I could tell I was tired but he didn't seem to want to stop but I said that I really should be getting going (we had talked for 2 hours solid). He complimented me on my watch on the way out, I said it was in recognition of some work I had done really well.
I brought up the house stuff in the middle and we just briefly discussed it and agreed we would both see the chosen agent next week and that he would phone them to arrange. He also signed the new mortgage papers for the interest only mortgage so we will start paying again next month - phew!
There were two bullets, but I kept myself in check! One was he was telling me about New Year and he said that he went to the Isle of Wight (then looked mega awkward and guilty) and said 'with some friends'. That hurt but I just smiled and glossed over. The second was that he said he was going to apply to be a magistrate (he was going through this process just before he moved out) and he said he was applying again in the new area where he lived. My first instinct is to hate that he seems so settled there and my life is about to be turned upside down. But, you know, I am quite looking forward to the upside downness - it will be an adventure. I don't like to hear/ think of him doing couple stuff with ow, even though I know it is the reality but I think it is natural to feel this way. I'm not dwelling but it isn't nice to hear.
So I suppose the big thing was he was so friendly and forthcoming and didn't seem to want the evening to end. I came away from it and, while I still hate the thought of a failed marriage and not working on something I have committed to, I am not sure I want this guy back. I feel no connection, definitely no attraction, I am more excited about my prospects now than the thought of being settled and married - I'm 27 after all! Hmmmm... I guess I will just carry on as I am, having fun and enjoying life and leave the door open a crack.
I hope you had a nice evening, I did. It was good to catch up and chat. I just wanted to say that I know how much you love the house and how much it means to you, and i'm truly sorry that we have to part with it. I hope you find a lovely place to live.'
Any ideas on how to reply, if at all? It is a first for him to admit he actually enjoyed spending any amount of time with me. Funnily enough the first time I was indifferent and am now! I thought something like, and please tell me if this is way off the mark...
'yes, it is sad but actually I am looking at it as an opportunity and am quite excited'
I will of course wait to send it tomorrow but thought I would post it now as all you guys will be awake now!
And he just sent another!!!!!
'Also if there's anything I can do to help you find a place, or to actually move, or anything like that, just ask.'
WOW!! You're evening sounds great.. much better than I expected to hear, so I am so glad! And it was nice to hear you were able to chat like old friends and it was comfortable.. it may have been a relief to chat to you, you dont have to be a certain way with someone you know so well, you can be yourself an sounded like he 'downloaded' a bit to you.
I was amazed you said this thuogh... "I am not sure I want this guy back. I feel no connection, definitely no attraction"
Wow.. really !!?? Carry on like that and he will be eating out of your palm in no tiem! I agree with kalni, seems that as soon as you switch off from them, truly, thats when they want back! (has been my experience with numerous ex's and how I felt about one or two ex's too). That soudns bad, I havent had dozens of bf's, but you know, enough to confirm thats how it works!
Glad you got the interest only option sorted, that should take the pressure off, hey.
I loved his texts, wow, they were really heartfelt and honest, a real breakthrough there at least with some real communication for a change. I am glad you didnt text back tonight! And dont in the morning either.. in fact, leave it until later on, like teatime at least tommorow??
I liked your reply. Could you add (afer his 2nd text)... thanks for the offer, I will let you know?
I dont know, I dont suppose it matters *that* much what you say,.. except try and be a little bit honest and real back? If you arent (your text was pretty 'cool') it may make him shut down again, although, you dont want to overdo it and spook him.
Well done !! Glad you had a great evening and are not all churned up from seeing him.
