So tonight. H was early to the restaurant and texted saying he was already in there and had got a table. I was slightly stressed when I got there as at work loads of water had just started pouring through the ceiling from the flat above and I'd just had to sort it. But I got it together pretty quick. I can't remember how the evening started up but we started chatting straight away - like two friends who hadn't seen each other for ages and had loads to catch up on. I remember that I took his lead and let him do most of the talking. We didn't even look at the menus for *ages*. The waiter had to come up about 3 times. Seriously, we were just talking and talking. Actually I remember it started with him moaning about work, I just listened and validated. But then we talked about ideas for my work as I was really enthusiastic about how well it was going and h was really interested and got enthusiastic too and gave me lots of encouragement and we batted round ideas.
I did say a few none DB things but they weren't OR related and did no damage and when I felt my emotions and assuming starting I gave myself a strict telling off in my head and checked myself - no OR talk at all that evening. I tried a few new things like when h was talking, giving my *full* attention, like eye contact and not even eating, I think it worked. I also caught h looking at me when I was on my way to the bathroom, when he realised I had seen he looked away quickly I also tried talking about my family news - like my sister getting married and me becoming an Auntie really soon and mutual (but more mine really) friends having a baby. I wouldn't have talked about this before as I would have been scared about it being pressure but he looked genuinely thrilled and enjoyed hearing about them. I also asked him how his tummy was (big risk!) but he seemed to really appreciate me asking and looked really genuinely thrilled when I said how pleased I was to hear he was well. I put the looking bad down to work stuff. He has also grown a beard!!! Nice!!
He seems to miss the cat a lot we talked about her, we talked about transport and video games (all things he likes to talk about!) and I was enthusiastic and he really got into it. We actually shared a dessert. I looked at my watch and it was 8 o'clock - I could tell I was tired but he didn't seem to want to stop but I said that I really should be getting going (we had talked for 2 hours solid). He complimented me on my watch on the way out, I said it was in recognition of some work I had done really well.
I brought up the house stuff in the middle and we just briefly discussed it and agreed we would both see the chosen agent next week and that he would phone them to arrange. He also signed the new mortgage papers for the interest only mortgage so we will start paying again next month - phew!
There were two bullets, but I kept myself in check! One was he was telling me about New Year and he said that he went to the Isle of Wight (then looked mega awkward and guilty) and said 'with some friends'. That hurt but I just smiled and glossed over. The second was that he said he was going to apply to be a magistrate (he was going through this process just before he moved out) and he said he was applying again in the new area where he lived. My first instinct is to hate that he seems so settled there and my life is about to be turned upside down. But, you know, I am quite looking forward to the upside downness - it will be an adventure. I don't like to hear/ think of him doing couple stuff with ow, even though I know it is the reality but I think it is natural to feel this way. I'm not dwelling but it isn't nice to hear.
So I suppose the big thing was he was so friendly and forthcoming and didn't seem to want the evening to end. I came away from it and, while I still hate the thought of a failed marriage and not working on something I have committed to, I am not sure I want this guy back. I feel no connection, definitely no attraction, I am more excited about my prospects now than the thought of being settled and married - I'm 27 after all! Hmmmm... I guess I will just carry on as I am, having fun and enjoying life and leave the door open a crack.
I also tried talking about my family news - like my sister getting married and me becoming an Auntie really soon and mutual (but more mine really) friends having a baby. I wouldn't have talked about this before as I would have been scared about it being pressure but he looked genuinely thrilled and enjoyed hearing about them. I also asked him how his tummy was (big risk!) but he seemed to really appreciate me asking and looked really genuinely thrilled when I said how pleased I was to hear he was well. I put the looking bad down to work stuff. He has also grown a beard!!! Nice!!
