I know things will be better in time and I should be able to relax and have fun in Washington, DC, but getting there will be stressful, to say the least.
As for dating, I'll go on 1st and even 2nd dates, but if it isn't there, I'm not going further. I may sound "snobbish" but at this point, I'm just not going to settle for anything less than what I want...and I'm definitely not doing any more "fixer-uppers."
That didn't work out so well for me the last time, now did it?
I'll be stressed in the short run, but sooooo glad when things are finally here and done.
So easy to understand, but also so easy to lose sight of as reality. It is 100% my choice. I thank you for the loving 2X4.
Quote:
If you react to it, then you make it your problem.
Spot on again. I just want this all to go away and soon. I'm not strong enough sometimes to not be overwhelmed w/emotion and saddness.
Quote:
How much did not connecting bug you when you were single?
A: Not much. I don't know why I'm so funny about this now. It feels so different to me after being married for so long. I'm guessing my "energy" isn't the best either, so that should shape up first, right?
I've purchased the "Last Lecture" but haven't dug into it yet. It is next on the list after "Be the Pack Leader."
I'm so jealous of your ability to be at "peace" w/being yourself (I'm super proud of you, but jealous of myself). I'm not there yet, but I will be soon. I get so impatient and want the clock to speed up and just get me there.
But, if I miss out on the lessons, then I won't really learn, will I?
As usual, thanks for your love, warmth, and concern. You are my friend.
I'll let her down easy. I'll figure something out, but I'll do it w/respect. She deserves that.
As for busy, I think that's an understatement, but you are right, it will occupy my mind. Being back in DC will be good too.
I was there last year and came home to XW leaving for the day to be "alone" to get work done - ended up w/ The Snake all day - and then to nights of barricaded doors and finally a divorce.
The trip this year will be different, but I'm hoping to borrow a laptop from school so I can again talk w/my friends here b/c it will be one year ago next week that I signed on to DB.com and began my journey of growth, healing, and change.
I'll need to celebrate that somehow, don't you think?
It's weird.. being at peace with myself is something I never imagined. I'm in a better place than I have been in decades even with all this going on. With my spouse's departure, I was reborn. I woke up. I view the date of my bomb as a birthday. It's the day I realized it IS my life, I AM responsible for my own happiness, I CAN grow and I WILL be a better person. If my spouse and I had reconciled, I thought of it as our new anniversary.
Alot of things have helped like sending blessings to my spouse. It lead to forgiveness. Ready2Change is an insightful guy. You should read some of his posts. I've done a lot of the stuff he recommends and have found they really help.
Radical Forgiveness.. If someone irritates you, instantly forgive them. You can do it silently. Keep doing it, you get tremendous results.
No expectations, no intentions.. Go in with no expectations, no intentions and you're freed from anxiety and worry. I repeat that mantra when I try something new, or say a tentative yes when I want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Face your fears.. Instead of staying scared, I address what frightens me. At first admitting what scared me was a big step. Now I can say "Face your fears" when I get all wobbly and actually start doing it.
Live the "Four Agreements".. the basis is on my signature line. It makes life easier.
Learn to flirt. Read books, practice practice practice.
Find a 'talk buddy' of the opposite sex you trust. Practice being open, practice saying and dealing with what you fear. Find balance in who you are and how you relate to others without your marriage. My greatest fear was losing my relationship with my husband. I compromised, swallowed emotions.. and opps.. look what happened.
Everything happens in little steps.
I'm in a better place more times than not. However, I still isolate, get lost in the computer, binge eat, have overwhelming clutter. I forgive myself and improve one step at a time. It's much easier to rip myself apart than it is to accept all of me. Baby steps. They work.
I think we are all here for each other. Sometimes I stop and think where I would be without all the advice and the cyber friendships that have developped here. Not so much today but maybe 6 - 12 months ago. I hear what you are saying about being stuck in neutral and also about the sting. The sting is alot less painfull than it was for me. Eventually it will simply be a twinge. I also know how you feel regarding dating and "settling". It is tough and since we are good people, we do not want to hurt anybody or leed anybody on. I know that I am finding it difficult to get past a couple of dates with one lady. Wish I knew why....maybe we are just not yet ready .... maybe we are expecting to meet our ex wives on the date (she would not pass the moral test). I spoke to a lady recently who has been single for over a year and she feels the way we do and she has nothing to do with DB. Maybe it is just an age thing....an expectation thing....or maybe we just need to totally let go of the past? It is easy to verbalize but sometimes you realize that we are not there yet. Celebrate your one year anniversary....maybe we will celebrate the fact that we will find someone that will help us move on TOTALLY in the next few months.
Rob, Sorry I haven't been by lately...I was going through my own overwhelming rush of emotions and just couldn't find myself offering anything helpful to anyone...I tried to post a couple times - but just muddled thoughts came out...and I figured that wouldn't do anyone any good...
Though I'm not in the D phase (yet?), I was cycling through a lot of profound sadness just over the last few days (since coming back from business in Vegas) - and as SmartCookie pointed out to me - the cycling is necessary - feeling the pain is such an important part of healing that part of us that is still hurting.
It doesn't help that your XW still has such mixed up feelings and that those feelings come out as anger - but, as you know, it's her anger - it's about her - and not you...that said, I can't help but consider it rude and inconsiderate of her to bring her BF by to help sort through things - that just seems like a boundary issue...
How is your little angel doing?
Have you been able to find any time to do something for yourself? I've been encouraged to treat myself to something...not easy when I'm being so cautious with every penny...but I keep thinking about it and trying to figure out what would be a treat for myself...still haven't quite nailed it - but thought maybe you could share something you might do.
I know fully what you are saying. Without this place I would have been lost - Hell, I was lost, but the wonderful people here kept me going w/all their love and support. I look forward to hearing the thoughts of my friends here.
As for dating, it is difficult and maybe letting go is the thing that is needed. I know that I'm picky now and it most likely is b/c I'm holding on to the past.
I'll be sure to celebrate my 1-year anniversary while I'm back in DC again in 2009. The 2008 trip was difficult for me w/the battles w/my XW, but this year's trip will be much more enjoyable b/c I've changed and I'm witnessing history to boot.
Thanks again for checking on me. Let's hope 2009 will be good for us both, indeed. I'll drink to that toast.
The pain is difficult, but necessary. My lows aren't as low anymore, but they still are around at times.
I also like the idea of doing something for me, but right now, I'm focused on getting out of this house once and for all, so I haven't put the time into what I want.
My daughter is wonderful as ever and things are going as well as can be expected for the sale of the house. I have an apartment, now I just need to get all my crap into it and soon.
I've been slaving away at work prepping to be in DC this upcoming week, so that hasn't helped my ability to check in w/my friends here. Anyway, I'm supposed to be waking up in 2 hours to go to the airport, so my sleep may have to come on the plane ride from Phoenix to DC.
I may be hit or miss while in DC, but I'll be sure to get on as much as I can to keep pace as best as possible this week.
