Jack - I told my W that I L her and want to stay married. However, her F's come before her family. About an hour after our conversation she left for work. Before she left she muttered to herself she didn't know what to do and gave me a hug.
Was this good piecing for me and her?
I have another question. How do I get started in the piecing forum. If this is the next step, well then I guess I better take it.
WCW - Being angry is a 180 for me. She yelled at me and her face was so red. I responded back calmly to her questions. I told her that when she stays out all night she's in a bar. I told her that this bar is her home and why don't she stay there.
I don't know what to do now, things were getting better.
Getting better or getting used to it? Big difference.
so so so true! Hey Fix Just pop on once in a while to read one or two threads, You always struck me as such a sweetheart so always wishing the best for you. personally? i think you did the absolute right thing , everyones different but I got to a place i couldnt take it any longer, felt disrespected, and my M didnt survive but I did --survived and very much thrived!
Good Luck to you Fixer!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
At first I was getting use to the way things were. Then I began hugging her which she seemed to be okay with. Last week she hinted about going out to different restaurants. I don't know what happened, but something did.
I never thought I would be in Limbo again, but here I am. This time it's not my W who's putting me here, it's me. When my W dropped the bomb I was lost. I had to be careful with every word I spoke. I remember how I practiced my happy comments, my opening lines and going over my "I'm listening to you" responses. I had to practice this b/c I was so sad.
Now, my self limbo is a tuff place to be. Is my W ready to work on this or is she playing a dangerous R game. I feel stuck, do I take a tough approach to our R or do I continue being a nice guy. I've given her a choice if you go on the cruise and things aren't better between us, I'm getting a D. I know deadlines don't work, so how do I not screw this up?
I think after all the time you have put in to holding this family together in your wife's emotional and physical absence, finally reaching the point of issuing some sort of ultimatum is a very good thing.
Sometimes people change.
And sometimes they change back, other times they don't.
What reason has she had to change back?
Sometimes the ultimatum provides the motivation to change.
Lord knows that ultimatum's (of a sort) were exactly what caused most of us to finally be honest enough about ourselves that WE sought to change.
I see your situation as almost the flip side of most stories here.
While your wife has left your marriage emotionally, she refuses to leave physically.
Now YOU are the spouse finally saying, it is time for change or time to end.
It may take ending this thing before there is ever a chance she will be moved enough to WANT to change.
How far do you go?
Well, none of us should issue things like ultimatums unless we are fully prepared to see them through. You MUST go so far as to be a man of your word and do what you have said you would do.
Otherwise, your word means nothing. And you will continue to be used.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Well, none of us should issue things like ultimatums unless we are fully prepared to see them through. You MUST go so far as to be a man of your word and do what you have said you would do.
Otherwise, your word means nothing. And you will continue to be used.
Ditto.
Fix, you said anger is a 180 for you. Are you using your anger wisely?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Deadlines and ultimatums don't work at the begining of this for several reasons, the two that most come to my mind.
1) They aren't ready and it is pressure so Poof! Regardless of what is best they squirt away from it.
2) We aren't ready, and we don't follow through with the consequence.
There are probablly other reasons : )
Bworl and WCW are absolutely correct.
I think you are at a point where you did it for the right reason. But I caution you about your anger, and I am a firm believer in using your anger to help you, as fuel to stick to a course of action, as motivation, as long as you don't lash out at her with it verbally or God forbid physically. Control your anger it is just a tool, otherwise you are anger's tool.
Deadlines and ultimatums work in piecing, but you use them sparingly if not just once or twice. They are issued for the big ticket items, not what you want for dinner once a week.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Bill - I felt the ultimatium was necessary. I thought things were getting better and then they quickly got worse. All I can think was enough is a enough.
WCW - I'm not an angry person. I've put up with all her mistakes and I figured I was going to loose her. So I decided to raise my voice and use a few 4 letter words. I didn't do any name calling, I was descriptive about my anger. Yes, I will use it wisely, so wisely that I won't do it again.
Jack - Don't worry about me. My dad beat my mom when I was a child. They use to fight and he use to hit her. After 14 years of marriage they got D. Even though I was young I knew what he was doing was wrong. I have vivid images of mom with a bloody nose and me trying to take care of her. I shared these experiences with our MC and he told me not to worry, that that's not my personalility type.
