Don't look back

[still hopeful]

No need to apologize, my friend.

You are doing well. I have 3 friends on this board, including you, who are all working to disengage from XWs or S2BXWs.

We men need to do what everyone in my personal life and my DB board life have been telling me from day 1; to disengage and let go. It has been clear to me for a long time that I need to make the conscious decision to emotionally D myself from the 'old' XW, because reconciling with my 'old' XW is an impossibility.

I am have been working to improve myself and I continue growing and changing. I have not seen any demonstrable changes in my XW. Like you, even the slightest hint from her that she is softening towards me and more receptive to me causes me to ruin any changes that I had been making in my behavior towards her, with regards to emotionally distancing myself from her and just plain being a MAN again in our R.

Looking back, I see XW using her 'softening' towards me to test me. Giving in to her by always catering to her, by being her weak-willed 'husband' without her having to be my wife, works for her. As my friend, Gary, has said to me all along,

"when XW needs something, you are the first one she calls because you come running to help her like a dumb a$$. When she isn't having a difficult time, you are the first one she tosses aside. She doesn't have to change. XW's getting exactly what she wants... you to do for her as she wants, and her to simply do as she pleases without regard for you."

I would like to say that Gary is wrong, but my experiences with XW say that he is 100% correct. I know that this is MY fault, not hers, because I have allowed this ridiculous R to continue in this way. I have not commanded respect from her through behaving differently.

Yesterday, I made the commitment to ACT differently today; to stop saying that I know what I need to do and just DO IT. Today is the day. I deserve better and I have not taken the stance to demand that I receive much better from her. I have now owned the fact that I deserve better than emotional scraps from her. Since XW has not had any REAL reason to change her behavior towards me, the movement in my sitch will come from me by disengaging and NOT allowing her to 'use' me in the ways I have allowed by being a wuss.

So, to summarize, today I start disengaging and taking care of me and my needs. Today I put my needs and my children's needs ahead of XW's needs. I won't drop XW by being a jerk to her, I will simply prioritize her in MY life where she belongs, which is NOT ahead of me. Today I stop making decisions on what I think her reactions/feelings will be. Today I begin respecting myself and living MY life for ME.

Thank you to phoenixdeux for telling me that letting go does not mean giving up, it simply means to stop pining for her and to start seeing her as my EX-wife, not my W.

Thank you to frank_D for reminding me what I already know, that successful reconciliation with the 'old' XW is an impossibility. Successful reconciliation is only a possibility with the 'new and improved' XW, and even then, should she wish to work on reconciling, it is MY decision. I have to decide whether she is worthy of another chance with me; whether I can trust her again; whether I believe she truly wants to make our M work this time through her ACTIONS; whether MY needs will be met in this new R.

But that is a long way off and as frank_D illuminated for me, I am holding XW back from making the changes she needs to make to improve herself by always being a wimp for her. I have already done that while we were married and far too much during our separation and divorce. I am an adult. I am a man. I am will behave in accordance with those facts starting now. I am disengaging from her. I demand respect from her through MY behavior, NOT my words.

Thanks for listening. We'll touch bases again soon.

Tom