My H and I always accuse each other of asking what can the relationship give me not what can I do for the relationship.

Yes, I've told him this stuff in the letter before but felt like he didn't understand that he needed to do some positive marriage building stuff for things to get better. He says he feels hopeless about things changing, that he has had his idea of marriage disillusioned by 2 failed ones, his parents have more than 2 marriages so he needs to have a 3rd one in order to be happy....this may be his depression talking but not sure. It could just be his desire is to be free but doesn't know how to tell me because it will hurt me. He's showing me though.

I want the letter to be quite clear that if certain behavior doesn't change I am not going to date him or sleep with him.

I also want him to see that by doing nothing...that is a decision. Should I not even go there? I want to point out behaviors that I feel are hindering us from building something new. I really want him to stop blaming me! How can I say this and still sound encouraging? Maybe no blame would be a 180....just a letter saying I love him, need him to do a,b,c to restore our marriage to a dating level, then close with examples of how he has shown he's capable?