Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[dl443322]

SC, just stopping by to say way to go, girl! Keep up that new attitude. Doesnt hurt to have h thinking what is up with her? LOL! Thanks again for stopping by my thread. Hope some of your new attitude rubs off on me!

Meantime, life with a teenager is a challenge, isnt it? Keep close tabs on him, but he seems like a good kid!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all! Thanks for the encouraging words over the last couple days. I am in my new place and just finish unpacking, and I am exhausted!!

H helped a lot with the move and got my computer and TV all set up as well as the big furniture. I think I backslid a little in that I was talking with him about how the party for his boss went and where they went and such. I was really just trying to make conversation, but he wasn't very forthcoming, so I thought later that maybe he saw that as pushing. I even kissed him on the cheek when he left and thanked him for his help. He didn't say that he minded or anything, but he was just "distant" with me (which is par for the course I guess).

Maybe I was pushing subconciously, but I didn't mean to. I just was nervous about the move, and excited too about feeling better, so being the big mouth I am, I just keep rattling on and don't think about it and second guess myself until later. Oh well, if he felt pressure, I guess that's water under the dam.

The good news is that H and S17 got along very well actually and H has said that he very much agrees with me that we feel S17 does suffer from depression, and H has said that he will do all he can to help with that, and so far, from what I've seen, he is living up to his promise.

This morning H also came over to finish up with the computer and TV. He went an bought a new video card and some other stuff to make the system run better and says he will get some more this week and be over to get it all fixed up nice for us.

I told H I owed him a dinner or something for helping me so much. He said "Don't worry, we'll figure something out." Not sure what he meant by that but we'll leave it at that.

I left all our wedding pictures and photo albums at the house. Not because I didn't want them, but because I thought it might not be a bad thing for H to see them there as he is fixing the place up and getting it ready to rent. I know he won't throw them away or anything without asking me.

Oh and Friday the guy that hit on me last week was on the bus and we had an actual conversation. He seems really very nice and I was honest with him that I was still standing for my marriage right now, and he was supporting and appreciative of that. I also told him that he really did something special for me by hitting on me last week, because over the past year, my self esteem has taken a lot of knocks and that he had given me a real gift that day that meant more to me than he would ever now. He just smiled at me and said "Well I think you're hot." I told him that I was only hot when it was above 90 degrees outside!" Anyway, we had a nice chat and I think I've made another "commuter buddy"

Thanks again everybody for caring and posting to me! Smartcookie, I'm not sure if you ever have posted to me before but I have read lots of your wonderful advice to others and taken it to heart myself, so the fact that you think I am doing well, is very heartening for me to hear.

Glam, BM, BG, Poet, Wifey, trapt, Puppy, Hope, Dawn, Treese, 25years, Snodderly, Yellowrose,.......and the endless list of my friends here, I am so very thankful for you all and the warmth and support you have all shown me throughout my sitch has truly been my lifeline. You are all amazing, warm, caring, compassionate, intelligent, giving people! Without people like you, the world would be a very dark place, I know! Thank you all for providing a beacon for me to find my way through this mess. Know that you are all in my heart!!

I know that sounds like I'm leaving or something, but I'm not going anywhere, except maybe back to bed! I am beat!!

I'll check your threads a little later to touch base. Hope you are all doing well! ((((((hugs))))))

[yellowrose]

Just hang in there SC and take care of you and your S for right now. Let your H blow ing the wind and fingure this out. You will be okay, I just feel it!!

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, YR!

I am doing OK. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see my H. Sometimes I just want to hug him, and it does hurt that I can't do that whenever I want. And he is so distant with me, but he will laugh and seem happy with others. He used to tell me that he is more cautious and serious with me becaue I matter.

But, I do know that he has to take his own journey. And I know that I am very lucky that we do get along as well as we do. Up to this point neither of us begrudges the other anything really. No fighting over who is taking what. And we do seem to be OK communicating openly for the most part regarding the important issues like the kids and the finances. We don't always agree, but we have not been really nasty with each other either.

So, I am thankful for many many things, and I am doing just fine. I will tell you that the thought of standing for the next 2-3 years like you had to is a daunting thought! But, I'm OK with just taking one day at a time.

Take care, YR! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[dl443322]

Hey SC, right back at ya! I really appreciate you posting to me too. And I think you are doing great! I am sure that guy on the bus knows a good thing when he sees one. Hopefully, one day your h will realize that too.

In the meantime, make that apartment cozy and warm for you and your son. Be sure to make it yours!

[sandycay]

SC...

How are you? Just checking in.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all!

I am doing OK. I am moved into my apartment and all settled. Took care of getting S17 enrolled in the alternative school today. His counselor seems really nice and supportive and S17 seems to have the right positive attitude for success (keeping my fingers crossed).

S17 and H had C sessions today. S17 said that he got frustrated because he felt like they just kept saying he is doing everything wrong. I'll have to talk to C about that in my session tomorrow......

I got a notice today that a credit card in my name was cancelled. My bet is H forgot to pay it. I called him to check on it, but he didn't return my call yet. I know this is just the tip of an iceberg that is melting very very quickly. I gave this all over to H to handle, but it is VERY hard for me to not worry about it. My rent is paid already for the next six months, but if something drastic doesn't happen between now and then, I have no idea what I will have to do to make ends meet. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when/if I come to it.....but I'm an accountant for pete's sake! And I work for a financial services firm! This is bad juju for me!!

As I have said, I have been feeling really good about some conversations I had with my H whereby I had essentially given him my unconditional love and "let him go". It was a really empowering thing. But, the past couple days, I have had thoughts of "Did I do the right thing in telling him this? Did I just basically give him permission to be guilt free? Am I really OK if he takes me at my word?" I meant everything I said, and I know it was the right thing, but my fears are still there just beneath the surface sometimes. I try not to listen in and keep a PMA.

My little chihuahua has been giving me fits. She's been "going" on the carpet. She has been trained to go on puppy pads (because she just stands and stares at me and shivers if I take her out in the cold). Anyway, I think the move has freaked her out so she is acting out, but I can't have that! This is not my carpet and I do not want my home to stink! So, I've had to keep her in the bathroom when we are gone during the day, and I am keeping her in her carry case in the evening to try to "re-train" her.

She is such a "miss priss" dog too. If she has an accident, and I pick her up and walk toward "the spot" she starts yelping like someone is killing her! And it's not like I have ever "spanked" her or anything. I just scold her with a really stern voice and she cowers. I know the neighbors must think I am killing this poor dog, but all I do is pick her up and put her in the bathroom for "time out".

My goal now is to GAL. I really need to concentrate more on that now that I am settled. S17 and I are going to do "something fun" together at least once per week. I also need to get into something to get some adult time.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it here, but my friend at work who I went out for a drink with is no longer with my company. I'm not sure if he left voluntarily or not. The place where I work is very "stuffy" and set in it's ways, and J was a very outspoken type person, so there were clashes. Still, I miss him. He was funny and he cared about his work.

So, like I said. I need to find a constructive way to get some adult time.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, H called today to touch base with me on a couple things. He thinks that S17 is playing both ends against the middle (i.e. manipulating us against each other for his own means). H says he doesn't really think that S17 is significantly depressed, and he is now pushing for the "tough love" route again. H says that C agrees with this path....?? He thinks that S17 is using our sitch as an excuse for his poor behavior in order to deflect blame from himself.

I don't know what to think! Yes, teenagers will be manipulative (no question) and my S17 is not above that, but I still think that is not the whole issue. We are going to have a two hour session next week with C. It was supposed to be one session for H and then one for S17. Now it's going to be a session with both H and me to specifically discuss issues about S17, followed by a session with all three of us.

Apparently, yesterday H only had a short few minutes with C on his own, and then spent the rest of the two hours with S17. This disappoints me because I see that as meaning that H really isn't working on "himself" any more like he has indicated.

H said that S17 tells each of us what he thinks we want to hear. H says that S17 often "bad mouths" or "complains" to him about things he is mad at me about too. I said that it's no wonder if S17 says what he thinks we want to hear to get himself off the hook. According to H, that's just what he's been doing for the past 25 years! H didn't like me making that point. I probably shouldn't have said anything and just validated his feelings.....

So, this afternoon I have my C session. I'll probably spend it all talking about S17 now.

One thing I'm not sure about. I know that C spends a lot of time in H's sessions talking about and pushing the importance of his role as a father to Zach. I don't know what is said because of confidentiality, but C has told me that he does. It concerns me a little in that it feels sometimes like C has completely written off the M (or believes that H has done so and there's no hope of resurecting it), so to him it's not even an issue at this point. However, sometimes I wonder if he is just using the issue of S17 to plant seeds in H's brain because that is a subject that H is still willing to discuss so that is the "conduit" so to speak that he uses in order to get H thinking about what he does in the hopes that those thoughts will transmute to other areas of our life such as our M.

I'm really not sure what to do about this, but it does concern me. Any suggestions?

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, a LOT of anger came pouring out of me in IC today.....It's funny. I wasn't really feeling angry when I went in there. And I'm not feeling angry now really. But, boy when I wasn in there it all came pouring out!!

C said that it was the most anger he'd ever seen me express at one time. He said he thinks it's a good thing.

[dl443322]

It's always better to get it out and in a safe place like that especially. Hope you felt relieved a little afterwards. Perfectly normal to feel angry in our sitches.