Partner left after 9 years - He's 'confused' now

[saffie]

Ali,

I have been in this position myself. There is a man who I have known since I was very young - pre teens. We got together and broke it off on several occasions. When he heard I was getting married he went to see my mother and wanted to stop the wedding. When he decided to get married five years later he contacted me and we spoke for a long time, and although we never touched on 'us' I knew that he had phoned me to tell me that he was getting married to the person he was marrying because I wasn't available; he just phoned to check I wasn't available. Even our parents had expected us to marry and remain in touch.

At his wedding I was SO unhappy that I left with my H early and whilst my H went to get the car my friend came and found me and all we could do was look at each other and cry. I sometimes think that if my H dies before me and his W before him then we would end up together then.

At bad times in my M I would often think of him. He was a soul mate in ways my H isn't. But our R would never have worked - it just wouldn't - but I can remember telling him when we were both at university and I was visiting him, that I always thought he would be the one I would marry - and he was the same.

I have wasted too much time though on 'what if's' and thinking about him. Time I should have invested, (and now do), in my H or in other 'projects'.

I agree you have to move on at your own time. I also think your BF is depressed and not happy. BUT I don't think it has to do with you. Your therapists can only comment on the information that you feed them as they do not know your ex and I wonder how objective you are in what you tell them? You seem to have what appears to me to be an unhealthy need for him to have a connection to you - you grasp on to every small detail.

I just see you lingering on with this, clutching at anything you can, and it all seems such a waste. You have so much to offer someone and someone else could make you live again - you don't seem to be open to the possibility that there is someone else out there for you.

Everything you post about this guy screams at me that he is gone from you. So what if Helen doesn't keep up on the music scene - we don't have to be alike to make a R work. To actually make the decision to move on from one person to another is a big thing - that's why most unfaithful H's do stay with their wives. Your ex has moved on. You were a big part of his life which is why I am sure he keeps some contact - I stay in contact with ex BF's from 23 plus years ago and I am pleasant etc- doesn't mean I want to rekindle anything.

I read your pain and it just seems that you are self perpetuating it with little from him in return to encourage you. People read in to MLC what they want to - the symptoms are so vast. Sometimes I think a 'label' helps whilst people learn to move on. Who knows what this is - but it doesn't seem to me to be what most on here class as MLC.

I know it hurts....and I feel for you....which is why I am posting this.