One thing I haven't journalled about and which kinda' explains why the going dim is easier for me right now, is what happened at the very end of my last brief telephone conversation with h last week.
I commented that he sounded tired and his voice was raspy, as if he might be getting a cold. In a somewhat unpleasant tone of voice he said something like "well, I wish I could say that it was because I was up all night having fun", or words to that effect.
We have never spoken to each other like that...and particularly in this context I thought it was insensitive and, at best, a poor attempt at crude humour.
I decided not to "call" him on it because frankly I really don't want to engage at that level right now. But the upside is that it has helped me want to be away from him, whatever it is that he is going through, his unusual behaviour and the influence of perhaps an unstable or uncertain relationship with ow.
The truth is that I wouldn't change places with him right now. I'm often sad and still sometimes anxious, but I know where the ground is beneath my feet and I'm becoming more of who I want to be.
