struggling to make R work

[garyjlost]

Thanks, CL.

There does seem to be some negotiating room regarding my wife going out drinking. But it doesn't make her happy at all. She has backed away from her plans to go out drinking with friends. But now she's frustrated. She thinks I'm making too much of her past infidelities and doesn't want me using this against her (which might make he laugh if this wasn't much a serious situation).

You're right. I need to be working on my own happiness. I haven't been doing that very effectively. I have pretty much defined my happiness in terms of the marriage succeeding. And I suppose that's a mistake.

You said:
"We can work hard at improving ourselves and the M, yet our spouse still may choose D or infidelity."
Yes, I suppose I had sort of forgotten about that. I wanted to believe that the R was working, that the M was in recovery. Thanks for the reminder. But this is sort of like a blast of cold air. Yes, she may choose infidelity. Her past history seems to indicate that she likes a lifestyle of late nights out drinking with friends (followed by affairs). But all I can do is work on the marriage so that it's completely satisfying for her and thus (in her mind) infidelity loses its allure. Of course, I have to also be working to make the marriage completely satisfying for me.

This is all so complicated.