Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[a new 2moro]

It's what has to be for me, and for H.

why cant you do anything for you just you ...you have climbed back on the rollercoaster

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH

Don't call him. You already more or less thanked him when you gave him food. That should have been sufficient.

[Bworl]

Interesting the one that you left off of your quote.

As I said...

And the most important one of all...

You are NOT making decisions about YOU based upon HIM in anyway. You don't choose where to go based on where he'll be. You don't decide what you can or cannot do with future plans based upon how you think he might feel or react to them.

This is the "proof of the pudding" so to speak regarding whether or not you truly are moving on.


Blessings,

Bill

[theotherhalf]

your right MWG, never thought of it, I guess, I guess I just wanted to be sure he knows how much I appreciate it. And I really do. He pushed snow again today. I said thanks when he was done. He did come in for about 5 min or so, but that was it and I left it at that as well.

Can't I get just a little credit around here? I am telling you that I AM in the place where I am doing things for ME and ONLY for ME, I honestly think I am giving up most hope that H will ever come back to me. Sometimes, for a second here and there I am even wondering if I really want him to. I have had enough, not enough to file for D, yet, but enough.

This time after climbing out of my hole my thoughts are changing, my strength is growing, and all the good stuff that comes along with it.

Little goals I have set for ME:
To paint all the projects I have waiting to be done.
To try and make a go out of selling on e=bay.
To weed out alot of stuff in my house and shed (ebay)
(above is to prepare for moving if I have to)
To learn how to play the guitar.
To decide where I want to be in 5 years

Ideas in my head:
Do I want to stay here and try and make MY dreams of this place come true? Or could I? Would it work?
or
Thinking of maybe filing, selling all, taking my half and moving the h*ll out of here. This idea is sounding better and better every day. Anybody from mid to southern Missouri? I am thinking I am 42 years old. I have to start over. I can go anywhere I want. (I've always like Missouri and the weather is very tempting) I have thought all along that if I move, I'd probably go somewhere near the city I grew up. (better jobs, better money). I don't really want to. When I left there I swore I'd never go back. Sooo I am thinking go somewhere else, try it, if it doesn't work out I can always come back and move there...

This is all the crap going on in my head. I am not sitting here anymore waiting for my H to come back, or to file. For now I am biding my time. I want to stay here till D17 graduates. That is in May. I love my H very very much. I wish that he could work through this mess he's made and find his way home. But we don't always get what we wish for do we? FINALLY I've decided that is his to deal with. MLC or not he's made his choice. Some will say he's not decided because he's not filed, but today I don't think that anymore. I think he has other reasons for not filing and none of them have anything to do with loving me or wanting to be with me. I don't have a clue what they are, maybe it's just plain cowardness, don't know, don't care. I have my hands and my head full of working out my own stuff.

And Bworl, I didn't leave that part out for any other reason other than I just did. And your right, my H hasn't nothing to do with any of these things going on with me other than they wouldn't be if he wouldn't have left. A little part of me wonders if I did move if he would follow, but right now that doesn't matter, he does not fit into the pictures in my head.

[itsy]

TOH,
You have decisions to make and they will need you patience and strength.....You made some great choices and have some gaols already set up that are great...goal setting is in order now for you and your D and N...take your time right now to adjust your self and your house..I like your focus...

Not to many men would still be coming by to help a LBS as much as yours does, just take his help say thank you and move forward...I think that your getting it and not everyone's stitch is the same and maybe your's is so full of guilt that he does what he does... which is a good thing..

I would also suggest that YOU do not file..let him do it and it might be too early yet.. you still get along and he still helps out...I for one would not pursue it yet, IMHO..

I think that your doing okay and getting better every day...your learning
ITSY

[theotherhalf]

thank you so much for believing in me itsy. I do however understand everyones' 2x4's and doubts in me. I've proven them right so many times. I AM working every moment of every day and I will get to where I need to be.

I am not going to file for D. Not yet. I still don't want it. I still believe there is a better way. I still love my H very much. But that's not saying I won't be ready in a month or 3 or? I told my H in the very beginning of this and many many many times since that I will not file. He's the one that wants to end this so he needs to file. I promised till death do us part, I meant that. But I will also not live like this forever.

[LL44]

thank you so much for believing in me itsy. I do however understand everyones' 2x4's and doubts in me. I've proven them right so many times. I AM working every moment of every day and I will get to where I need to be.

I believe in you, even though I don't think you have faith in any of my advice, probably thinking "She is divorced, what does she know?" I don't blame you.

I just worry that your true feelings of detachment (which will save you in the end) are never going to catch up, because your actions go back and forth all the time.

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

I think you are consumed with so many thoughts/questions/should I call/should I go dark and so on, that you cannot stick to doing one thing such as letting him be. Honestly, I know you wanted to talk to him and that is why you called him.

Personally, and this is my opinion, I think you ought to get busy with projects you enjoy to take your mind off of what you should/should not do and thoughts about the future.

Forget about all of those thoughts dancing around in your head. Just let it be for now or you will drive yourself crazy or make your self sick.

[theotherhalf]

I value EACH and EVERY person on this board lwb, as you can well see, I need all of the help I can get. But I have to learn to have faith in ME above all else. Honestly I do wonder sometimes if I should follow advice of someone that didn't R with their spouse. But everyone here says the same things. D or not we still have to do what is right for us (the LBS). Everything I've done so far has not worked. I'm tired of living like this. No, I won't live like this anymore. So I have to do things differently.

Your right, I do waffle extremely. I'll be the first one to admit that. I know that I will fall again. But on the same hand I know that I am getting stronger and each time will be a little easier. I know what I have to do now and I now know that I deserve and want more than the life I've had for the last 2+ years. And I know that it is up to me to get it.

[theotherhalf]

I think you are consumed with so many thoughts/questions/should I call/should I go dark and so on, your right my head is spinning but...that you cannot stick to doing one thing such as letting him be. this is the ONE thing that I AM sticking to Honestly, I know you wanted to talk to him and that is why you called him. This is totally not true, I wanted to say thank you and that is all, I didn't "talk" to him, I said thank you and hung up

Personally, and this is my opinion, I think you ought to get busy with projects you enjoy to take your mind off of what you should/should not do and thoughts about the future.
I am staying as busy as I can. Working on all the things I put in my list of goals. If I am still for very long the thoughts bring me down. So I have to keep going. The future is something that I have to work out. Stupid if I don't. I don't want to find myself in the place I was Apr07 when H pulled the rug out from under me again. Standing there dumb founded with not a clue. I have to decide what I want, where I want to go, what I want to do. Isn't this living MY life as if H were never coming home?

MWG, I give you all the credit in the world for all that you've been through and stood for in your M. I've said before, you should be very proud of yourself. BUT I don't want to be living this same way 5-6 yrs from now. Life is way to short to be living it like this.

Forget about all of those thoughts dancing around in your head. Just let it be for now or you will drive yourself crazy or make your self sick.
I am not sitting here doing nothing just pondering over all this crap. I am letting it be, I am letting him be, I am working on my projects/goals, but these thoughts are there and I have to work them out. In order to move forward, someone has to DO something, so I have to decide what I am going to DO. Eventually... in the meantime I am working on me.