No, I wasnt talking about the email. I was answering to your question what to do to build on his..."confusion" was it, I think?
His email is polite the way we are with acquaintances, old friends, co-workers that we have exchanged a few more words with, more than the typical "how are you?". Thta's what I mean. Dont look for hidden meanings... K
I know I have posted only briefly to you on here.....and that was some time ago. But I do dip in and out of your thread.
Please, do yourself a favour and forget this guy. You cause yourself so much anguish and dangle on every little nuance of his contacts or what others say. It is excruciating. The guy is gone. Give it up. This isn't MLC from what I read of what you describe....it is a guy who hasn't had the balls to tell you to just give up and go away. He wants to be Mr Nice but he is actually cruel by not stating things baldly to you.
I am sorry if this is hard for you to read, and I am not saying it out of spite. I am saying it because you need to spend time on things other than this....things that will give you greater happiness and reward. You appear to read way to much into any contact you have from him of any variety....stuff that he no doubt doesn't think twice about. Whatever OW is like, he prefered her over you....and if he dumpd her who says he would even look at coming back to you.
Please get real.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Oh I see K! Ok.. well, its just that "be the greener grass" stuff, but I am not sure that makes any difference anymore. He is with Helen for whatever reasons he needs to do that, nothing to do with me!
Wow Saffie! Have you been in this position yourself? I have.. I had an EA/PA.. I was obsessed with him, I felt like I was going mad, I loved my ex but I couldnt 'see' him anymore. I wanted to be free, I couldnt describe it logically, but I wanted to be on my own, so I made him move out. We didnt break up though, perhaps because I am sensible, or female, or wanted my cake and eat it quite honestly. So.. I've been the WAS, but I know it was about my childhood conditioning (my Mum told me from 7 not to let a man get the better of me, dont get M).. I was having my commitment tested. It took me 2 1/2 years to get through it.
Things are never so black and white. He has left every gf he dated since 15, bar 1 and he didnt stay in contact with any of them. I know 3 of them.. when he was done, he was done. When you say "stuff that he no doubt doesn't think twice about."..the therapists I have needed to speak to this year say that he IS thinking about his communication with me, in that he is being very controlling and needing to retain power.
I dont think you can 'tell' anyone to forget someone and move on thuogh, they have to arrive at that conclusion in their own time. You're probably right though, he may never come back, but I have to get there myself! Its not difficult to read your post and thanks, but I dont agree this isnt MLC, it has all the ingredients!
I wanted to write to you to let you know I have been following your thread for a little while now and see a lot of similarities between your sitch and mine.
Each time I would read a detail you wrote and realize my H is doing or has done the same thing, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My H will not give me his address (only the general location of his apartment), we met in 1996 and bonded over music, he is depressed and in MLC, we have no kids, he signs emails with things like "talk soon" no personal pronouns. My H is Belgian. I know your BF is not, but there is the European connection. There is no OW in my sitch and probably some other differences as all situations are unique. Jody is my DB coach, too. H and I have just gotten to the friendship stage.
I do not have any advice for you, not that you need any from me. I just wanted to let you know that I feel like maybe we could help each other and to say hello.
I have been in this position myself. There is a man who I have known since I was very young - pre teens. We got together and broke it off on several occasions. When he heard I was getting married he went to see my mother and wanted to stop the wedding. When he decided to get married five years later he contacted me and we spoke for a long time, and although we never touched on 'us' I knew that he had phoned me to tell me that he was getting married to the person he was marrying because I wasn't available; he just phoned to check I wasn't available. Even our parents had expected us to marry and remain in touch.
At his wedding I was SO unhappy that I left with my H early and whilst my H went to get the car my friend came and found me and all we could do was look at each other and cry. I sometimes think that if my H dies before me and his W before him then we would end up together then.
At bad times in my M I would often think of him. He was a soul mate in ways my H isn't. But our R would never have worked - it just wouldn't - but I can remember telling him when we were both at university and I was visiting him, that I always thought he would be the one I would marry - and he was the same.
I have wasted too much time though on 'what if's' and thinking about him. Time I should have invested, (and now do), in my H or in other 'projects'.
I agree you have to move on at your own time. I also think your BF is depressed and not happy. BUT I don't think it has to do with you. Your therapists can only comment on the information that you feed them as they do not know your ex and I wonder how objective you are in what you tell them? You seem to have what appears to me to be an unhealthy need for him to have a connection to you - you grasp on to every small detail.
I just see you lingering on with this, clutching at anything you can, and it all seems such a waste. You have so much to offer someone and someone else could make you live again - you don't seem to be open to the possibility that there is someone else out there for you.
Everything you post about this guy screams at me that he is gone from you. So what if Helen doesn't keep up on the music scene - we don't have to be alike to make a R work. To actually make the decision to move on from one person to another is a big thing - that's why most unfaithful H's do stay with their wives. Your ex has moved on. You were a big part of his life which is why I am sure he keeps some contact - I stay in contact with ex BF's from 23 plus years ago and I am pleasant etc- doesn't mean I want to rekindle anything.
I read your pain and it just seems that you are self perpetuating it with little from him in return to encourage you. People read in to MLC what they want to - the symptoms are so vast. Sometimes I think a 'label' helps whilst people learn to move on. Who knows what this is - but it doesn't seem to me to be what most on here class as MLC.
I know it hurts....and I feel for you....which is why I am posting this.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi Veronica! Thanks for posting.. if nothing else, this website makes you feel like you are not going mad! That you are not alone. That it isnt only you that this is happenning to.. to have someone you have known so well now insist on writing you emails with no personal pronouns in!!!
I was at the friendship stage and spending long stretches with him (12 hours, or even overnight) until a week before he got together with Helen. Things have been precarious since then. I was convinced there was no OW either, but she was an EA, he was phoning her Aug 07 secretly! So be open to the possibility?
I've barely initiated contact for 5 months and phoned him only once.. but he has called me every 3-4 weeks and emails sporadically. I think the fact that they have depression makes it hard to see the truth, as depressed people have negative thinking and dont make good choices and are inherently selfish.
Wow Saffie.. you sure you're with the right man afterall !? Lol. So, thanks for the 2x4's!
Well, I come here to vent and I AM brutally honest. But the other side is the person out there, chatting with friends, making people laugh. So I probs seem more unbalanced than I am in RL.
"you don't seem to be open to the possibility that there is someone else out there for you." - I am open to a new R, with someone new! But I'm not into dating. If I fall for someone.. I'll be straight in there!!
"Everything you post about this guy screams at me that he is gone from you." - When I was done with my last ex, I ignored his messages and when he came to my house, I called the Police! THAT screams done.
"So what if Helen doesn't keep up on the music scene - we don't have to be alike to make a R work." - Well yes, obviously! Its just a silly pride thing, that I have that shared interest with him and my ex is VERY emotionally invested in music, he chooses his friends on the strength of their musical tastes. He wooed me with compilation tapes and his favourite film is High Fidelity! So like GFI said, I know him and my sitch best and music is important to him. He would NEVER date a girl into R&B/dance, for example!
"also think your BF is depressed and not happy. BUT I don't think it has to do with you. Your therapists can only comment on the information that you feed them"
I totally agree and I NEVER claimed his unhappiness is to do with me! He left ME remember! He's had depression since I've known him. His unhappiness is probably not to do with Helen either. I am VERY honest and clear with the IC and not biaised. What would be the point of not being honest with your own IC!?!
I got distracted and ending up hitting send on my draft email to him!! Oops. Oh well, its sent now.
Regarding OW, of course, I have to say, logically speaking, anything is possible. For my own mental well-being, I have put any concern about this issue to rest, knowing that I will learn about it if there is someone, when I am meant to learn of it. Lately, I have been incredibly sad and overwhelmed by our circumstances and really could not handle any more problems than we already have.
I have been struggling with the fear that we will simply never get past the firendship stage - that what we have right now is as much as I will ever get from him. I know what you mean about the depressed mind at work. They really do see things through negative lenses and it colors all that they think. This sort of fuels my fear that things will not improve.
I am fascinated by all of the astrological information you discuss. I know very little about it other than the sort of stereotypes for the signs. For example, I am a Cancer and I totally agree that I am a nester, and I tend to mother too much, but I will say I disagree with the cat thing. I have no cats and I am not a cat person.
Anyway, glad to "meet" you and I will be following your sitch.
I am a little disappointed I sent my email today and didnt wait a few days, as planned, but it IS different. Normally I would reply a few hours later.. but I sent it 5.30 so he wont get it until 2 days after his now.. which I have never done before. Next time (because there will be a next time) I will try leaving it longer.
So.. my email was friendly and warm, I said he did well with my present, I was glad he liked the cds....I talked about albums, joked abuot the yoga, I didnt answer the how you doing? and I didnt ask how he was. I said I hope work is ok. I didnt say, yes, speak soon, or give me a call, like I used to either.
I also plan to tell him next time more about what I am doing (instead of just asking him questions, like I used to)..about sailing and the martial art class and kayaking, or some of these things. He will be amazed. I am a person who stayed home and did no exercise for 20 years, not because I wanted that, just because I am lazy. I wanted to be more active like him, but it was easier to sit still. So he will be shocked.
Then I read his stars.. for the period now until early Feb...
During retrograde we are supposed to be letting go of something, but that usually isn't apparent until mid way into the retrograde. Instead of resisting the Mercury retrograde energy, try relaxing and submitting to the energy, letting go instead of hanging on to situations, people and things. In your 3rd house of comings and goings, communications and sight, you could see something in someone that you didn't see before. Perhaps your ex, will go from ugly duckling to swan...someone you know will shock you in their changes and transformations. It could be that you have underestimated someone for a long time. Additionally you could see your mate or partner differently and perhaps rekindle the love you once had for them.
...so this is plan A! I expect it to take a while to show results though.
