Firstly I'd like to say of course I'm confused. I am a lot of other things as well. I am frustrated and hurt and at my wits end. Truth be told I am hoping for those magic words, and not willing to give up quite yet. Do I know these words don't exist, of course I do. I'm here to vent and to cry, and to hear words of encouragement when I can't find any on my own, as I really want my marriage to work. However, I can't do that on my own. Do I know the real question I should be asking myself? YES> Its basically deal with it or get over it at this point. BUT, I have decided to give it this last chance. This final attempt to try and do things differently, use more patience and see if some steps are taken.
I haven't had a response back on if he wants a sexless marriage or not yet. He does not have the internet and because I know he would rather write, I will wait. It's hard for him to talk to me because he gets embarrassed and finds it hard to put things into words. This is why we had decided together that maybe writing would be easier. This way it is at his own pace, and he doesn't have to be embarrassed. I am respecting that.
These are the things he has actually verbally told me in the past. 1) Yes hes attracted to me, and he doesn't know why he never wants sex. Said a few times he'd get a physical, but still has not gone. 2)He would rather write then talk for now ( said in Oct ) 3)He said a life without me would be no life at all and that he wants to try ( Oct as well ) Hence, why I'm being patient at this point and waiting for his internet to be hooked up. He will have in on the 22nd. 4)He will not see a C even if it means loosing me in the long run. He stated that he didn't need some half wit telling him how to live his life. 5)After the 2 years where I left him alone completely ( meaning no advances toward ml ) I did try and bring it up again, and he was shocked. He said he thought things were great. He was happy and had thought I was as well.
That is what I do know. Which brings me to here and now. What do I want from him? I want a starting point. We decided to communicate thru email, and that I'm OK with that .( for now )
I do not think I am asking for the impossible here. He did talk, and we did ml......... THERE IS a reason that changed, but I can't figure it out by myself to make it better. I want to move forward from here and with him. If hes willing, great! I will do this, and no matter how long it takes, I'm in it for the long haul. What I can not do, is nothing again. I will not allow it to be swept under the rug again for years to go by. Not fair to either of us.
