I think I'm still doing very little for me. I'm still not getting the difference between chasing her and fighting for her, which is partly what I think she wants. I'm again at a point this morning where I just feel like I can't go on like this. I feel that our relationship is now an abomination; I feel like I'm in one of those crazy open relationships, and that is just not how I will live. I am committed to my W, but that commitment is not being returned, so I just don't know how long I can continue to live like this. I don't want my freedom, becuase even if she files for D I'm not going to get involved with anyone else as I'm just not interested in anyone else, but I can't sit back and allow my M/R to exist like this either. I feel it is absolutely sinful. I think I am going to write one final letter taking a firm but loving stand to see where she finally stands (I actually wrote her a letter this weekend, but I didn't give it b/c I wanted to think about it first).
I'm preparing to completely detach. I have the rest of the month to get myself ready for this. I gave my W a letter this morning asking her to make a commitment to our M and stay in the home with me, but I strongly suspect I already know her answer. I asked her to take a few days to think and pray about it, but she called me just 2 hours later to discuss the letter. I said I didn't want to discuss it yet, and that I preferred it if she would pray and think for the next few days. She agreed. I still love her very much, which is why I can't be with her like this. I absolutely won't share her--I just won't. It's all or nothing for me. Just like God wants us to love him above all else, and just like I wouldn't share being a father to my daughter with another man, I won't share my W. I feel that if she moves out and can't give me a commitment than I need to have absolutely no contact w/her unless it's is regarding our daughter, and even then it must be brief and to the point. If she leaves our home again and can't commit to working on things, I want to have NO contact w/her unless she wants to reconcile with me. Period. This isn't about revenge or guilt, it's really about love. For me to continue in a friendship with her after this would mean that that's enough for me, and it simply isn't, so I can't do that. Anyone else feel that way??
For me to continue in a friendship with her after this would mean that that's enough for me, and it simply isn't, so I can't do that. Anyone else feel that way??
I feel like that too. I treat my H, well try to treat him politely, but distant, no chatting or emailing other than re: the kids. Hi and Bye and just the facts. I don't think it's right to have friendship when they are being so destructive to you at the same time. I have to tell you that detaching and going nc is really tough, sounds easier than it is, although it gets easier as time goes on. For the most part. Karen
You are all so strong for being able to do the whole nc thing. I think that eventually I will get there too. I wish you all the luck waitingpatiently:)
Thanks for the encouragement Karen & Poohbear. I'm not so strong, I haven't done anything yet. But that's definitely the path I will go down. I've been going through this for 8 months now, and I'm just at the point where it's intolerable. I don't know either of your beliefs, but as a Christian, I simply can't have anything to do with someone who dishonor God in such a way and then claim to be his follower. I'm not turning my back on her, I still love her very much, and I will be willing to reconcile if she decides to, but I also refuse to continue fighting for her while she plays musical chairs with our life.
Karen, your thread is definitely an inspiration! Keep chugging along!
Today is the worst day of my life. None of the pain that I've felt up until now compares to the pain I am feeling today. Last night about an hour after I went to bed I woke up to my W talking on the phone. I sat silently and listened as she was speaking to a man and setting up a date for this Friday. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It took me about 20 mins to confront her--in my mind I kept saying maybe it's not a man, maybe I'm wrong. I finally went down stairs and yelled into the phone that her husband was there, so she hung up. We absolutely had it out. I told her that I wanted her out of my life forever, and I got my mom on the phone as a witness because I knew that my W would not forgive me talking to her that way in front of my mom. I took our wedding picture off the wall, broke the glass and tore it up. I told her that she was officially dead to me. She sat there while I yelled at her for about 3 hours, until 3 am. She admitted that she was wrong for all she had done, but said she didn't know what to do about it anymore. I told her I wanted her to just act as if I was dead. Period. I feel a tremendous loss today. I know there's no going back from this, especially not after everything I said to her. I basically let 8 months of hurt and anger out all at once. It felt so good at the time, but now I feel regret. By the way, this is OM number 2 in the past 8 months. She said they were just going out for coffee, but I heard her conversation and she was flirting heavily and asking him personal questions about himself. She said it was a man she recently met and that he was calling her for a while so she finally decided to go out with him. I hate her today. And yet I still love her. I don't want her in my life. I want her to feel the pain of losing me. I am really hurting...
WP, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. The spouses that do this to us, I don't think they have consciences anymore. I am so so sorry for you, for me, for everyone else going through this hideousness. I don't know what else to say.
Thank you very much. There is little more you can say. The worst thing about it for me is that I am sitting here feeling guilty (as usual) for the things I said to her last night. I was really nasty, but I just don't know how else I could have reacted. This is the 2nd OM in 8 months! We aren't even divorced and she thinks it's ok to start dating. I just can't understand her thought process. I also don't want to sit around all day feeling bad for reacting to her talking to another man under my roof.
Thank you very much. There is little more you can say. The worst thing about it for me is that I am sitting here feeling guilty (as usual) for the things I said to her last night. I was really nasty, but I just don't know how else I could have reacted. This is the 2nd OM in 8 months! We aren't even divorced and she thinks it's ok to start dating. I just can't understand her thought process. I also don't want to sit around all day feeling bad for reacting to her talking to another man under my roof.
In her mind she is divorced from you already. You are caught playing catch up. My x-wife got engaged before we were divorced. It hurts for a little while but that all depends on you and how long you want to hang on to that hurt. I know your emotions are still pretty raw but do everything you can to keep it together. Get past the things you said to her and regroup.
What are you doing to make you more interesting to your wife? What are you doing to attract her back to your camp? Are you making any changes? Journaling on this website does not count as doing something. What is your plan?
I guess I'm at the point where I've given up. I guess I was really horrible at doing this. I could never see beyond the things she was doing and saying and I've lost hope. Even if there were hope in my mind, I know my W and forgiveness is not something she's good at. She won't forgive the way I reacted to her last night. And I don't know that I can ever trust her either. My plan is to have NC. She's moving out at the end of the month and I'm just planning on having nothing to do w/her. I told her to consider me dead and that I considered her dead. This will hurt very much, but at this point I don't see an alternative.
Karen