After I'd written my original reply I sat back and read it and realized I was probably reading some stuff that wasn't directed at me. See, I guess I'm getting better at understanding that sometimes when a woman is angry and venting, it's not all about me. Something I definitely used to take personally when W would be in a bad mood. Because she wouldn't talk to me about what was bothering her I took it to mean that she was mad at me and would react accordingly. Because when I'm mad at W, I express why. But W is not wired that way. When she's mad, she doesn't talk about it and I would take it as it being something I did. Another lesson learned for the woman in my life, whether it's W (which I still have hopes for) or the next person.
It's sad, because I know it's coming and I know what's going on with me and I can't help feeling like I just don't care so much anymore. So yes, it would be ironic that just when it seems she may be figuring it out I'm headed in the opposite direction.
We'll see how she is when I get home tonight. And this Saturday is our concert and night away. We're going to see a guy we both LOVE, going to a restaurant for dinner before the concert that we both LOVE. I don't have any expectations that there will be any great breakthrough, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I have some hopes that she'll let herself go and feel.
Probably won't be able to post much the next couple days. I'll try to sneak on here and update how she is when I get home tonight, but we'll see.
Take care everyone.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I'm glad all is well. I work with women every day and it has been my experience that when we women are mad or upset in another way, we will either claim up and not talk or we will take it out on whoever is around at the time. So, you are right! I did, however, pray about the situation when I read how angry you got reading my post. That was when I realized that it wasn't directed at just YOU as much as it was just men in general.......but mostly, it was my own stitch and how things went down for me personally and my own pain that I still strugle with where certain people are aware of my EA. So, I had to do some praying over that and ask God to help me not to take it out on a person who had tried as hard as you have worked to get his M back on track. When I know I am 100% right about something, it is hard to back down but I try to not just continue to argue the point.....however, if I don't know that I'm 100% right and it is just my POV, then I try to be big enough to apologize for hurting people's feelings. I did let my own hurt over-take me and I hope I have learned a lesson.......at your expense, I'm sorry to say, but hopefully I will remember it.
I was serious about remembering your family in my prayers and I do hope for the best all the way around.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Since I got home from my business trip Wed night, W has been a little distant. Don't get me wrong, she's talking with me etc, but maybe distant is the wrong word. Maybe distracted is better.
Anyway, I know she's been really busy at work. And she's been sharing how her day's are going and all the chit she's working on and I validate, validate, validate. So good, right?
But again, I just feel myself slipping more and more. I find myself thinking about life without her. I understand she's got her own demons to deal with and I should be sympathetic, but I just find myself not caring too much.
Like just a few minutes ago. I IM'd W about S16's car insurance. He passed his drivers test yesterday. Oh MY! It's all over now! But her IM replys were very short. Like she didn't even want to be talking. Again, I know she's busy, but would it take too much to spend 2 minutes sharing anything with me?
These are the types of days that just reinforce to me that it won't be long and I'll be the walk away. And it's sad. But I've really detached to the point where I don't care.
Don't know how things will work out. Over the last couple months I HAVE seen a lot of progress from her. And maybe I'm selfish, but I just don't know if I have it in me to give her the time she needs.
Ok, just kind of venting. But everyday I just care less and less whether we make it or not.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Again, talk to her about this before it is too late. No reason not to. If you break the "no R talk rule" and she gets mad how will that change how you feel right now? It won't. If you keep the "no R talk rule" how is that helping you both? It isn't. Even if she moves in the right direction you are saying you don't care anymore because she isn't giving you what you need. You need to have the heart to heart now, and you two need to start making a plan TOGETHER.
Maybe I'm stubborn, but the attitude I have right now is, she know's what I want, she knows what I need from her, she knows I'm willing to work on it, but she won't even say to me "I want to try", so F it.
I know it's not very DB, but you can only get burned so many times before you won't approach the flame again. That's where I'm at.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I hear ya. Just remember that women and men don't always understand each other's needs and wants even though we think it is obvious. She is most likely thinking you guys are doing great. The things you tell us about what she is doing sound really good to me. I would think things were going well as well. Especially if it has always been this way in your relationship. She is like this. It is her way. If you want her to expand "her way" to something different you need to tell her.
Not to argue WDID, but what more do I need to say?
I've said I'd like her to read books, I've made it VERY clear how I feel about her affair momento's, I've asked her to go to Retro 3 times, I've told her that even if she doesn't realize it, WE need to discuss this, both my contribution (which I've repeatedly taken responsibility for and work on everyday) and her allowing herself to go where she did.
But still she can't say to me "I want to try". And her actions don't show me she is. You may think so and I'll trust you on that coming from a woman who knows what my W is going through, but I just get the feeling she's on cruise control until S16 graduates from H.S. and then she's gone without even trying. If that's what she wants (and her actions show me it is), then fine, lets be done with it so I can move on with my life. I mean, she gets to live in a nice house mostly provided by me, she gets to be involved daily in S16's life, I take her on trips, to shows, buy her LOTS of stuff. Life ain't too bad for her. Why SHOULD she meet me half way when she's livin large and doesn't have to face anything she's done that contributed to where we are/were?
Can you tell I'm cynical?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Sometimes you need to repeat yourself. How many times? As many as it takes. You tell us these things about how you feel on here, but I wonder if you tell her all of this as well. I mean reallllly tell her.
I see the cynacism, and with what you have gone through, I can understand. You have been working hard, and you don't see her working that hard. Yes, trust me, that she is working hard and you may not see it outwardly.
Bottom line, don't give up. Divorce will not be the answer for either of you. Make an appointment on your own to see a counselor, and ask her to come. Find the dates for Retro and sign yourselves up, put it on the calendar. You can always bow out of it, but have it forefront in your thoughts. If you want her to take working on the relationship seriously, the way you want her to, then you start getting it going. Because I think what she is doing is trying to emotionally connect with you, and after what she did, it is hard to do. But, yet, I see her doing it little by little.
I'm not trying to argue either. I'm just trying to help.
I guess I would ask her "Is this the way are relationship is going to be for the next year and a half? Basically roommates who shop and take occasional vacations together? Then when son graduates you and I will divorce and its over?? Is that what you want?
