Two WAS's- is it really meant to be or walk away?

[Loving_Life]

Thanks Trixi. I realize that I can be a DB success by improving myself and enjoying new things in my life. I am doing a great job of that, most days. I think this is even mentioned in the book, perhaps. I do feel successful for having made it to piecing once as well. Too bad my old posts were long gone by the time I came back to the boards (It was 2003-2004). I do fault myself for not keeping up with DB a lot after piecing. Part of me wonders if I could have dramatically improved my sitch that way.

Even though there is a lot of distance, stbx told me he could tell I was happier and GAL. I think that is why he stopped blaming me for our sitch (before he was full of anger/blame). At least we're able to D amicably.

It feels so good to get it all out. Emotions are still up and down some though. Part of me is still horrified of a D on some level. I don't know if I'll ever feel 100%- do I just go ahead and sign the papers if I feel 80% or 70%. What a feeling. This whole thing has been "Act As If". Some days I wonder is this insane or have I really been sticking up for myself the whole time, and that's a good thing. What if I had refused to leave the house last year and I insisted on staying w. stbx. Maybe I would still be in $#%. I'm lucky because I don't have to travel back to my old state and see stbx. My L said we can do this over the phone. She will be at the court to represent me. That's pretty easy. Thank god, b/c I don't think it would be very easy for me to see him in person and sign the final papers. Every time I have have been S (doesn't that sound nuts), I always end up feeling like I miss stbx and I wish it could work. It's the distance that does it- thinking about what could have been, what I could have done better. It feels weird living my life without stbx after having been with him for a long time. These are the thoughts that get me.