Ali,mish,Bbj, I am not that thrilled about the trip but I will go. I am afraid we will have nothing to say and feel bored and lonely. But I will go. Ali, I am not hopeful, just curious.
He hasnt called yet today, funny huh? Sent an email and that was all. Must be enough for him. xxx K
Grrr...seems like a pattern K. Like you throw a rock in the smooth pond. It makes ripples (he reacts), but they fade away pretty quickly and you are back to the stillness, the 'nothing' of it...
I really truly hope he writes you that letter so you can figure out what is going on in that brain of his....
or maybe he's waiting to tell you this weekend when you are alone. FWIW .. you can't pass on the other advice. That's a pretty big part of being married. If you both are wanting this to work out it should be quite natural....what do you think?
Also, on the business about him writing you a letter. That's an unfair spot to put him in. He's doomed if he doesn't write it, why because you think he should...that's called expectations. You write him a letter and expect him to write back..you are setting him up for failure. Just because he doesn't write back it doesn't mean he doens't love you or want you.
Kalni your either in or your out. Your waffling as much as he is. This is a 2x4 because it seems like no matter what he does .. he can't please you. Now I say all this with the knowledge that he has been a sh$t for over a year. At some point you are going to have to forgive and move past that and forward or move on. This piecing isn't for the waffling types because it's hard already.
PS: so no one 2x4's me, cause we all like the Sunshine. I know that Kalni has been trying to restore this marriage and her H was a day late and a dollar short in coming home but she said she was willing to give it a go but with lots of expectations that he is not meeting. Are they unreasonable .. I think not but he may not know how to move forward and may need her to extend herself once again and make this weekend meaningful. For instance: I tell my H quite often my LL is words of affirmation.... does he fill this sometimes I think not and then I tell him I need more words.... and he reminds of things he said that I totally missed. I am just trying to look at this from another perspective.
Kalni H planned a weekend away, not a weekend with dreaded sister in law or with kids,.... just him and her alone. I thought Kalni wanted that .... you said you did....now he's done that but something else is not right about that... do you see that pattern here.
I swear I am not trying to beat up on you or say this is your fault....I am just posing another point of view....not even neccassarily mine.
I hope I got my point across sometimes I find it hard to type into words that make sense.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
sandy, I hope you are reading still, H called earlier. He said if you cant find a babysitter, then we'll take the kids and maybe we should invite another family with us... So there goes the romantic weekend of 2... LOL
I appreciate what you are saying but you have to remember, when I post here I vent. I am nicer to him than I am here WITH him.
I am in a awkward position, I give him time and freedome to do as he pleases/feels like. What he does, it's his choice. When he does nothing, I get frustrated. I lead, he follows up to his level of comfort, refuses to step out his comfort zone, that hurts. I feel I am worth of him trying harder. I have expectations. Solid, clear, important ones. Sorry, I am not DBing to woo him back. I need things, I tell him what I need, I expect to see somekind of effort to give me these. I am selfish, probably. But I am fine with that. It is a choice. I am careful not to push him too much, lately I am careful with my face, I try to look sweeter and happier, but I am not bending about things I judge as important for me.
The letter was a suggestion he took because he writes better than he talks (he is a journalist). I suggested that because I knew that and the timing felt right. It wasnt an expectation. It was another suggestion to communicate since what we are doing isnt working. I am curious to know what he thinks because I have no idea. We NEVER talk. Do you realise that?
I am not waffling. I am still too detached and that comes across as waffling. There is still NO connection and it shows, I cant pretend there is. He even admitted it last time. He doesnt feel it either.
All this love and marriage and romantic second chance thing and hard work and togetherness are great. But when it's not happening, for whatever reasons, it's not happening. I am not going to fool myself it is, no use.
I HOPE it will, soon enough for me to be here and wait. xxx Thanks sandy, K
Btw, I send him a link to the 5 LL, TELLING him that mine are words and physical etc etc. I made a funny note like "hint hint"... That was 3 weeks ago. Nada...
Ohhh, and HE isnt interested in having sex with me... He "doesnt know why not"...
It's all perspectives and choices. If the approach is feeling defeated and ignored.. the end result will be the same.
Have you tried approaching this with no intentions, no expectations? Whatever happens, happens. Forgive him for how he upsets you? After all.. what upsets us about others is our own internal insecurities and issues being tweaked.
When I read your writing, I see the weight of the world on your shoulders, the weight of the decision upon you, the outcome for your children, the rest of your life. My sister told me to take one little bit a day. Carry just a little. If I try and do it all, it's overwhelming.
The hotel sounds like a great place to do some spa treatments.. love them.. and they make you feel soooo good!
Let go of the expectations of others, the pressure on yourself and face your fears... Just be you in all your glory and screw the rest.
...and since I am an open book I have to say this : I hate hurting someone I love and loosing him this way. But if that isnt an act of commitment to my family then I dont know what would be... And right now it feels I lost everything to... nothing. And that makes me mad, sad and I want to grab him by the shapels (sp?) (as a friend told me) and scream at him that "we should do this together and right because I am not wasting my life settling with you if you cant/will not do it...".
You really cant imagine how difficult this has been for me. No pitty party, my choice, but it is true. K
Gypsy, that has been my plan the last few days. Result:he hardly calls anymore, didnt spend as much time with us during the weekend, he is happier, thinks we are doing better...
Ohh, I have an appointment with my IC later this week to tell her what we need and see if she can suggest someone for MC.
Hey there... I think we do know its been a tough decision, its obvious, although we cant 'know' as we are not in your head or heart, but it clearly has been. And its a horrible thing to have happened, at the same time like that.
Perhaps with the weekend away, he didnt want to CANCEL if you couldnt find a babysitter, so being a typical bloke (they like to take action, find practical solitions? My ex did anyway!) he offered to take them along and iwth another couple for fun?
As for the lack of intimacy, I have no idea why that is! Perhaps he is a little afraid, is he one of those guys that cant do it when emotionally he doesnt feel connected? I like that you sent him the Love Language stuff.. but again, being a man, maybe this kind of woolly R talk sailed over his head!?? (men dont like that kind of R theorising do they?) And if you sent it to work (?) he was probably too damn busy to take it in!
How about you try talking to him about it? I hope he does write a letter to you, as it will be illuminating at least, like you say, he is a journalist and perhaps better at expressing himself via written word. Again.. its time though isnt it, when is he going to find the time to do it!?
I have an idea...perhaps if he doesnt, you could go 'on strike' after your weekend away! Tell him he cant come around and see you until he writes the damn letter, lol! Ok, thats very antiDB, but why not?!
I like Sandys points in that, there are things we can accept or compromise on, for M sake, but perhaps you needed the honeymoon period first before you start giving him more rope again hey!
So.. how are the plans for the babysitter coming along? And did you see I got an email? He isnt much further forwards...I think he is a tortoise.. a sleeping tortoise.. with 2 broken legs and facing the wrong direction...if I had made it to piecing I am sure my ex would move even slower than your H! If that were possible...
This is from "The Four Agreements" something I've been finding very helpful in my life:
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
You're doing it, Maria.. trying to make it work. Everyone talks about do work. At some point it has to be about living, too.
((((((Kalni))))))) I just read through your thread. I wish your H wanted it as bad as you. You're a beautiful woman, inside & out. I hope you find your sunshine again, even while it's raining.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
