I sent her an email tonight about weening our baby boy - and having him spend nights with me soon...I don't know how it will go over...but she had asked for three months to help him adjust and we are now into that third month...so I figured it was time...we'll see what happens...I'm sure it will bring out some anger - but I just don't care...I want more time with my son, and I will not let her try to bully me out of it again. She was insane with anger the last time I tried to talk about it with her - and she threatened to call the police and accused me of threatening her...that game won't work this time...as I'm going to keep the conversation to email - and will not engage her in any of her anger if/when it comes out...
Hey Carlos, is it a cultural thing for her to nurse longer than 2 years ??
You made a comment about getting out side & getting out of these cycles of feelings. Why ? Why not go with the cycles. Why not feel the feelings & then let them pass when they will. They do pass.
I have written on my bathroom mirror to focus on my inner signals, listen to my feelings, let them be my compass.
It's really okay to feel sad sometimes. You don't have to "do" anything to cheer yourself up. Crying is very good for you. Different types of crying release different types of brain chemicals that help us heal our wounds.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Just checking in to see how you are doing today. I hope you are feeling a little stronger and better.
I think Smartcookie wrote some good advice in her post. I will take it to heart, too. I think it is good to be reminded that these feelings come in waves and cycles and we do have to feel them.
That said, I understand the urge to get out and chase them off. As you know, I have been in a bad place since Saturday and have an incredible urge to stop these bad feelings. Since I really cannot find anything that it working for more than a short while, maybe SC's advice is the way to go - just let ourselves feel and keep moving forward.
I am reposting one of my favorite quotes. This is by Winston Churchill: if you think you are in Hell, keep walking.
Hi SC: Thanks for coming by - no - it's not a cultural thing, my W was born in the states - she's not Latina.
You're so right about not getting out of these cycles of feelings...I do have to feel all the emotions - let them go through me...I think I meant that I just have to figure out how to emerge from them without having the roughest moments feel so destructive. That said, crying is very good too...sometimes it just feels right to let the tears rush out...even if they threaten to flood the room.
I like what you have written on your mirror...messages to oneself seem like a smart way to go.
I thought SmartCookie's words should resonate well with you as well - especially in terms of just feeling the emotions - and going through them as best you can.
As Churchill says, keep walking. We'll get out of this - without a doubt, you will, I will, and all of us who are willing to do the hardest work will get out.
......................................... Dear [W]: I just wanted to write you a note to let you know that over these last few months I have come to understand a lot more about why you don’t have much hope in the future of our marriage and also how I contributed to your discouragement. I know that I pulled away and shut myself off from you in the last year and that I didn’t offer you the kind of love that you needed. Sometimes when you would want to talk with me about your work, I would try to fix things for you, offer too many of my own solutions, rather than just listening and hearing what you wanted to say. I can see how my words made you feel like I doubted you, and I understand why you just didn’t want to be with that kind of a partner anymore. How could you possibly be in love with someone that made you doubt yourself in the ways I did? I know this is just one example of how I hurt you, but it just makes sense that you would eventually have to leave and move on with your life.
Though these last couple months have been painful in many ways, I am grateful for the opportunity they’ve given me to look at myself and the mistakes I’ve made, and to understand more of what I can do to improve myself. I prefer a life with you, and I wish I could have learned these things about myself without our separating, but I know that our separation was necessary for me to get to where I am – and for me to understand your feelings and why you had to leave. [W], all I want is for you to be happy and fulfilled and I realize that you could not achieve that with me with and the way that I was in our marriage.
Love, Carlos
............. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Warnings?
I like it Carlos. So long as you know for certain that what you are saying about how she felt is accurate. I'm not really seeing how this letter could hurt you. Maybe some other folks could.
Are you prepared for whatever her response might be?
She might blast you. She might say thanks for understanding why I don't want to be with you anymore. She may ignore it.
Are you ready for any of the above, particularly a blast of anger? How about a blast of anger expressed abusively? (That has been her recent pattern. F__ you, you abusive blah, blah, blah.) What would you do then?
But it is a beautiful letter. It's one I would love to receive.
You and I have discussed these letters already. I think you have drafted a very good one. I will second what Dudess has asked. Are you prepared for no response or a really bad one?
You know that in my situation, a letter like yours sparked a response, and I believe, has helped.
I know there was some concern for you earlier about her using something like this against you in regards to custody of your son. I cannot comment on that, not having children and not facing that issue.
Apart from that, it is very well written and I think you express yourself very well.
Hi Dudess and Veronica, Thanks for reading the note - and sharing your thoughts with me...I wrote it with the understanding that nothing she says or does has much to do with me anymore - and with the realization that the woman I loved just isn't there now - maybe never will be again. When she passes through this phase of her life perhaps I'll still be able to love the person that steps forward - perhaps not - I don't know...and so I wrote the letter as a way for me to let go completely - to accept that I have to move on with my life - and, despite how frightened I am, I realize that she might just read this letter and take it as a release to cast me aside completely - and maybe she has to do that in order for her to heal herself, I can't know...but it's not up to me.
A friend of mine said to me, "listen, maybe she will want to come back to you one day, but even if she does, she won't be the same person, she can't be or you won't last. So why sit around and wait for her? You have to move on with your life." He's right - and I know it - and my eyes fill with tears as I acknowledge it - but I have got to keep moving on with my life - getting stronger as best I can, accepting my sadness and working through it - and insisting on facing my fears of being on my own - and renewing my determination to take care of myself and my children...I want to follow in the ways of a great man...I want to so much...I just can't believe how much it hurts sometimes to get there...to persevere.
Hey Carlos I like the letter... At this point, what you got to lose..?? At least she knows where you stand. She will know you have changed for the better. This may cause anger from her and she may not even acknowledge that you are a changed man, but that's OK. You have a great Duck tail...you won't let whatever happens bother you. You know you are a changed man, a better man, a great man. And the best is, a great father. Who cares what the others think...??
Quote:
As Churchill says, keep walking. We'll get out of this - without a doubt, you will, I will, and all of us who are willing to do the hardest work will get out.
I love this.
Quote:
I want to follow in the ways of a great man...I want to so much...I just can't believe how much it hurts sometimes to get there...to persevere
If things are easy, we will not cherish it the way that we should. You don't want it any other way because the hard way is always the right and only way.
Keep up the good PMA, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
