Today my daughter was sick and my wife asked me to if I could take the day off and watch her at her new house. I was surprised that she wanted me to watch over our daughter at her place instead of mine, but I gladly accepted. I had to take our daughter to the doctor and do all the usual parenting tasks that are associated with taking care of a sick child. While my daughter was sleeping, I went ahead and cleaned my wife's bathroom and her room also, but didn't make mentioned of it to my wife when she got back. She was very appreciative that I took the day off from work to watch over our daughter and even offered to make me dinner. Later that evening I worked an Excel macro to help my wife with a project she is working on at her job.
For the past week or so, I've noticed that my wife will do stuff like tap me on hip with her finger and use her feet to touch like my side. Overall, she seems to be letting down her guard, although she still has a wall up as my last posted made clear. So I do feel like things are moving in the right direction.
That said, I feel really defeated right now. I feel like I have lost everything and that no matter what I do, I will never get my family back. I am really falling in love with my family all over again. I want to be able to pamper, provide, sacrifice and just be there for them. There is so much I want to give and offer to them - and yet it is up to my wife to decide if I will ever get that chance
It is as if God is using this situation to humble me. I am loving my wife unconditionally and that lately has been painful in the sense that I feel like a martyr. Like when all this is over, I would have given everything and end up with nothing. I truly want my wife to be happy and experience true love - even if that means having me out of the picture. Life is so much of a paradox. I know that the only way for me to have a chance is not focus on my emotional needs but on how I can love my wife without regards to my needs. I feel like I am going to explode right now.
And yet, this is probably where I need to be right now. This whole process has really taught me what love, sacrifice and overall what life is all about. It has been a type of furnace that has really removed a lot of selfishness and other vices out of my life.
Do you ever feel like forgiveness is not good enough? Like restoration is the only thing that can make life right. I think that is where I'm at. I feel forgiven, but that doesn't change the fact that my family is gone. I have been crying a lot these few days and really just giving it to God. I am approaching empty again and I am really in need for God to fill my tank up again.
Well, it is late - so I guess I will write latter.
