Hi Veronica, I think our ability to be there for others is one of the gifts of being human - and one of the miracles of the Internet...I so often find that in posting and talking with others that I end up realizing so many things about myself and my own situation - like there's just enough distance there for less intentionality and thus a hint of genuine objectivity.
Thank you for seeing strength in my words - I am pulling through as best I can - feeling the pain and emotions - and accepting it as a necessary part of what I have to learn. Though I felt broken yesterday, perhaps it was just like when one lifts weights - you have to test and tear the muscle a bit for it to rebuild and be stronger...I feel like that's been happening to my heart these last few days...and that I am gaining a strength through this that I never knew I could have - only because I never knew I could possibly endure such savage levels of sadness...but here I am today...feeling better...not healed, far from it, but I'll get there eventually.
Trapt, Thanks so much for coming by. I think I do need to treat myself to something...I just have no idea what yet...I collect books, but I'm on a tight budget these days, so I don't get books anymore...and I don't want to slip into the delicious distraction of port and dark chocolate - since the port can do wicked things with a sip or two too many...I've thought of taking a trip to San Francisco...but that might have to wait a month or so...so I just keep wondering about other, smaller ways to do something for me...and I just don't have anything come to mind...I just haven't thought about myself like that in ages...I didn't even get myself a Christmas present this year (which I've done in the past a lot, because my W had a habit of giving me pieces of paper with promises...which always kind of left me disappointed - and this year I knew I wasn't going to get anything from her)...so...I wonder still...how can I treat myself to something new or nice? I'll have to think about it a lot and see what comes to mind...the only new stuff I've gotten lately has been for my kids...
You're also so very right - I have to take my focus off my W more - and find ways to step outside of the house when these cycles hit...and I have to remember that I will never be given more than I can handle and I am not alone...I just have to insist on opening my eyes and reaching out to the friends I have - both in RL and here...
............. Little bit of journaling..... When my W came by to pick up my baby boy tonight she was back to the old routine of calling from the car - and letting me know she was outside. When I told my baby boy that his mommy was here he said no, no, no - and that he didn't want to go - I kept trying to get him excited to see her outside - but he just kept saying no mommy, no mommy...until he finally gave up a bit of a smile and I carried him to the door - and when he saw my W he smiled for a moment - but then said, no, no, no - again - even as she carried him to the car. I also handed her some artwork of his from school - which she didn't even acknowledge - and then I mentioned how her parents might have felt uncomfortable last night, and that it would be fine for with me if they said hello...her response, "they weren't uncomfortable...they were fine." Whatever...there is no reality in their world - her father is deluded into thinking he has a perfect marriage, her mother is a manipulative liar, and she is on a journey that they helped lay out for her - and are all too willing to fund...and so I get to detach from my W and her toxic family...interesting opportunity for a better life there...
