IMRAT - I'm sorry I didn't get back to you and I hope that you come by here someday and see these. I didn't feel strong enough to help anyone. It is a long road and it hurts. Everyday it hurts...and I always wonder when it will stop hurting. I don't remember it hurting as much or as long with my ex. Since God is my pilot I am trusting him and everyday (sometimes several times a day) I leave it with Him. It is not easy but it is getting easier. When I have a question I now take it to God and ask Him for the answer I don't rely on what goes on here and what others say. I stopped taking polls God has my answers and He will answer when I ask. God only wants you to take it a day at a time anything else just over whelms us.
You can make it. You can do it. God is not mad at you because you doubt. He doesn't want you to doubt but He isn't mad at you. Do not let Satan rob you of any victory and any victory is a BIG victory. Take it one day at a time. Please ask God for your answers He will answer them. People can't guarantee you anything but God can and He does keep His promises.
I think that the thing that discourages me the most is when people (not God) tell me that God won't go against a person's free will. I have seen God work in a person's life to change that person's free will. Keep your eyes on God not on the circumstances and not on what other people tell you or what your spouse is doing. Keep your eyes on God. Change your prize from being the restoration of your marriage to the journey that you are having with God and where that is taking you. Treat your spouse as Jesus would and that is with unconditional love. When you do that and measure your progress on how you treat your spouse and not how they are treating you - you will feel better.
Where am I now - 2 years post bomb? Not where I want us to be but right where God has put us. I have many things to be thankful for. The holidays were hard for me because things weren't perfect but they were good. I thanked God all day long on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years for the good things that were happening in my life. (My husband was home all day on Christmas and he bought me three gift cards. MUCH more than I had last year.) Today, and for several months there is no longer the anger and yelling that went on two years ago. He doesn't look at me and blame me for everything wrong. He is doing things around the house - fixing it up and asking me my opinion. We spend more time together at the house. We don't go out and I don't know that I'm ready for more than just spending a little time together each day.
He has told me that when I am ready he wants to talk. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to be hurt by him and I don't trust him not to hurt me. Unless God changes my way of thinking I don't plan on telling him I ready to talk until the end of July 2009 (that will be a year since my mother's death and I'm giving myself until then to do some healing).
In the past few months/weeks I have realized that I am healing. I am still healing from everything that is going on in my life. I just didn't get hit with my husband's MLC I got hit in three major areas of my life. All of which would require 6-12 months of healing just by themselves. God has carried me through and He continues to heal me and carry me.
IMRAT - I have only made it through this by leaning on God. There is no other way for me. Grab hold of Him and hold on. He will carry you through this. That's a promise - from God.
Again, bless you all. May you look at 2009 as a year for healing for you.
