Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[NikB]

((Trixi))

I have about 2 minutes to post.. good thing I type fast huh?

I am SO sorry your H is acting like an a$$ about SS again. It really does seem that family is not a high priority with him, at least anymore. I wonder if some of it's due to the therapy causing him to face some things about himself he's not so ready to face too. Not that it matters.. just thinking.

I'm glad that you're willing to be there for SS! Do what's right for him - don't worry about how it "looks" to your H or even to SS. Be the good, loving, kind woman that you ARE. This is another facet to detaching - you do what's right, what's "you," without worrying about your H's response!

One small thought... just because I think it would be an interesting 180 for you to try. I may have suggested this before. Sorry if it's a repeat. Have you thought about trying the "validate everything" approach?

You do a lot of "suggesting" and "pointing out" when you talk to him. What if you stopped?

For example:

I asked why and he said because he needed to work. I asked if next week wouldn't be okay and he said he didn't know...but, he didn't want to travel TWO times to the place. (ie, visiting day and then a counseling day. he wanted to do one or the other.)

If you said "Oh wow I'm so sorry that you have to work" or "I'm sorry you don't feel like traveling that much" or whatever. Sincerely say you're sorry about XYZ that's "preventing" him from going. (I know, it will be hard not to say this sarcastically, but I have faith you can do it! ).

He just MIGHT start to realize how ridiculous it is.

There was an example like this in the DR book but I can't recall the details right now.

As I pointed out, we could do visiting day on Sun and then counseling Thurs- not like it would be two days in a row. I also said that it sure would be great for SS to know he was important enough to travel for.

Instead of pointing it out or trying to "fix" it for him either go overboard empathizing with whatever his "not wanting to travel" reasons are, OR, simply say you're sorry he doesn't want to travel, has to work, whatever, and end the convo.

Then do what YOU know is right - visit SS. If your H calls back and wants to arrange going together, great. If not, his loss. I know that it's SS's loss too, but that's between him and his Dad. Try to let go of "fixing" that R - it will just drive you crazy. Leave it up to them. I know that your H is reliant on you for transportation to visit SS right now, but that doesn't mean you have to set it all up - he can come to you.

(L_L I haven't forgotten about you! Got both very busy at work and sick, all in the same week..bleh. I'll be over to your thread in the next day or two for sure! I want to make sure I can read up on you before I post something that makes no sense )