WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[25yearsmlc]

Okay, you are in pain and I know how that sucks. Seriously.

Sometimes parents do things to their children, unintentionally or not, and it hurts the kid. Eventually the child sees this and is upset at the parent. Blames the parent for the pain, or some choice the kid makes is wrong, due to the parental error. But at some point, the child becomes an adult and can no longer blame the parent for the child's unhappiness. So, you say you are in pain and she is the source. I understand that. I do.

But at some point, when will it be your responsibility for your happiness? When will you accept that she is no longer the "source" of your pain, but that you are choosing to be miserable? I'm not saying today. But I am saying you are choosing to obsess and question so much, that you are choosing to be stuck. Stuck in misery. Your questions here are repetitive yet you don't see that. You are choosing pain rather than healing. Healing isn't painless, but it gets you there. Get un-stuck. Make a move away from being stuck. GAL, do a 180, move...on....

Also, her statement that she'll stay with OM to "prove everyone wrong" is both hilarious, and sad. I mean, guess she'll show "them"! Brilliant choice. Be miserable with the wrong guy, so that ..... what?? She'll be....."right" ???? Begs the question of Who is trying to make her "Wrong"? If it's you, stop it. You are not helping your cause. You are prolonging the struggle.

At least she admits her stubborness, openly. I have seen that behavior, but without the awareness, so many times. Someday when she says it out loud again, she might just "hear" herself saying it. And she may wonder what type of life she is leading that keeps her with someone who's wrong for her, instead of trying to fix things, switching tracks and making amends. She's compounding her mistakes. But you cannot tell her this, for your words will fall on deaf ears and if anything, they'll harden her heart more.

My uncle left my aunt decades ago and married the OW. After about 3 years had passed, he confessed to his mom that if he'd "known how much pain it'd all cause, he'd never have left". He did not then return to my aunt. He lived with his regrets. Which was good for my aunt. She moved on and remarried and was much happier. One day the OW who had married my uncle, called my aunt to ask where uncle was. IOW, uncle was cheating on wife #2 as well. My aunt realized suddenly that uncle had done her a FAVOR by leaving, as she'd have had that same stomach ache the ow/w#2 had now. Instead, she was happily remarried...

It is partly why I advise the LBSer to say nothing about the OP. It simply unites them in their actions b/c of the collateral damage they've caused. If they've hurt all these innocents, and then been "wrong", it's a big uphill battle in life for them. Let them figure out why so many 2nd marriages fail, especially when they started out as A's. Let them discover why the stats reflect this. You cannot be the one to point it out, it serves you NO purpose.

She has to sort it all out and not have you standing over her shoulder telling her where the pieces go. It slows her down in the path of finding the truth. This is a puzzle only she can solve. Back off and GAL and live it. Stop the obsessing. Get the stop sign out or whatever. You are looping around with the same unanswerable questions...

Do you really think you'll get letters in the sky telling you exactly what to do and when? Man, I hope you do. But I have to say, you'll be the first. Most of us struggle with this and have to examine our motives a lot. Like every day. "Am I being punitive, or setting a healthy boundary? What is my goal in saying 'X', or doing 'y'?" "Will this move me towards my goal or not?" Expecting an answer with great clarity is a little like saying you'd like to live a risk free life. We are all semi-guessing our way here.

Every day I ask myself things like that. At least I'm living an honest life of intent. I do very few things without knowing why I'm doing them now. And I accept that I may have to double check things, b/c I am not living with certainties all around. Just a few. The clarity I have is within me, not others' actions or what they mean or feel. Just mine. That has to be enough. Otherwise, I'll spend all my life wondering and pondering and asking, and not living or deciding or choosing. Waiting around for an answer can be a lot like not living.

(( hugs ))
j