LD, Will he ever be gone? Well, why wouldn't he be gone down the road? What's so great about him that she'd keep him around for good?
(( j ))
She would stay in this R with OM for the rest of her life just to prove to everyone it isn't a fling or mistake or MLc or whatever. I know her. She won't leave him because she helped break up his marriage. All this is the obvious to me. I haver given her more than enough space. If it wasn't for Thanksgiving and Xmas, I wouldn't see her at all. But I think its plenty.
Her car was repossessed yesterday at her work. she needs 1300 to get it back, her father is lending her 1000. she needs 500 for her deductible to get her car fixed, she says she is going to sell it and break even, she will sell it and be 3000 shy of breaking even. She will get a full time job, she will this and she will that. whatever.....
I want my car ins money friday. I need the money, I am paying bills for my house, my daughter, our food, our utilities not her life with OM. that is obvious.
I just flew home from New York after a very long day. I spent the whole flight looking out the window and thinking everything over and over. didn't ask any questions, listened, listened to Him and listened to me, for once...
GAL energy, have it, obsessing, obvious, 31 years of my life that I have to face has been pissed out the window, obvious....Can't see her face in my mind, can't think of her without a negative thought in my head, and pissed that somehow see gets bailed out again and continues to play in lala land, obvious. I love my wife, i miss my wife and right now I want her back. I have been asked a very unique question many times, now I am asking myself the question. I am not sure of the answer, I have my life and I am getting busier at it. I don't feel like going out much lately, I like visiting friends, but i also need downtime from a very demanding job and my home projects. I am not being a hermit, I am being resposnsivbe for the things I own and getting things accomplished, being here so my daughter knows she has parents, knowing there is a "home" life. She hasn't seen that for a couple of years and it is taking it's toll on her. I have to be there. I am putting things ahead of me because I feel bettter about me when I do. Would I like to go out on dates, go dancing, go to parties, raise the roof, you bet. I don't becasue I choose not to becasue I blame a lot of why I am here on that. I believe I am suffering my pain now because I don't forgive myself. Obvious...
I didn't create this monster, but I didn't do much to stop it. Obvious. She is over me, obvious.
Her crash or hitting rock bottom or what ever it is these MLC WAS ALIENS do to "come" out of it is very far away, not around the corner, or just over the next hill, it is far, far away. My walk is going good, but slow. I will also be far, far, away....Obvious.
No matter how or when she comes out of it, I know, deep in my heart and mind, I will her reason and blame for it all. Obvious....
I will not stand for that, I will not stand for being a doormat, I will not stand and wait, that is not my job now, my job is to go on my "walk" and listen. If there is a marriage to be reconciled, she will have to chase me down. i will not wait for her, Obvious....
The unique question "When will I get to the point of no return?" That is the question of the day, and I know , everyday, for the rest of my life...Obvious...
There is only one guarantee in all of this, I am in pain, and she is the source of the pain. There will be no forgetting that. I am letting her go, I will not talk about her, to her or ask about her. I am tired of asking when and if she will come back, It's like asking when they will have a cure for cancer. Who knows..
I will not dream of her return, I will not hope for a chance to rekindle all we had, because it has meant nothing to her, obvious, can't really argue this with me, because if it did, well, she wouldn't be gone...I will have Faith in me and in Him to help me through this, not resolve it, get me THROUGH IT. because I just want to get over it. I will not go to bed feeling lonely, I will wake up thinking of all the things I have to do. I will not wonder who is bailing her ass out, or if she is with him playng hooky from work or whatever her life is, I will live by these two great statements that I believe will get me through this:
1. I am who I am, I made myself this way, I like me and others do to.
2. Life will show her the consequences of her decisions.
God help her on #2.
I am not saying I am giving up, I just choose not to waste my time on it anymore. For now I am here, if she comes back maybe. But tomorrow is another day, and then there is the question "When do I reach the point of no return?" Eventually there will be an answer. And I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid of new relationships, I will not push them away because of "hopes" and "dreams". If something is meant to be then it will. I will not "what if" my chance for happiness waiting on a horse that isn't even running. There is no guarantees on anything in life, you are right, tomorrow is promised to no one. Live for today, let yesterday be damned. You are right I obsess, I know I do and on my little plane ride home i saw what was needed, I heard what the word was, this walk will speed up now. And waiting, well waiting is what you do when you take someones order and bring them back something...I am waiting on no one...
