Ummmm--I wouldn't exactly say he's "promising" to call. More like, he's making vague statements that would lead you to believe you might hear from him soon. But remember, when they're in the tunnel, 2 years can seem pretty "soon" to them, because they've lost all sense of time. Also, although when he wrote the email he might feel determined to keep in touch regularly, he could easily swing to feelings that he's got to avoid you because you're too controlling (just a random example), because the MLCer really does cycle from one position to another. (And the closer they are to being "done," the faster they cycle.)
As your thread title says, he's confused. And he's going to be that way for a long time. Even if he has moments of clarity when he thinks he knows he wants you, there are other times when he's just as sure he couldn't bear to lose Helen, and times when he just wants to run from everything. Lots of MLCers come back too soon, and end up leaving again. Unless you feel you could cope with that, don't pay too much attention to anything he says/does right now. When he comes to you and can look you in the eye with smiling, non-alien eyes and you sense a feeling of peace and confidence in him you haven't seen through all this--then you know the confusion is over.
My advice would be, do reply, but wait till you've collected yourself enough that it's not a big deal to you. Yes, keep it light and funny. And then go back to all those amazing GAL activities you've got lined up and really enjoy them. Because it's only after we genuinely believe that we can have a great life without our H's/BF's (or anyone else) to "complete" us that we're ready to enter into a genuine, healthy relationship.
Hi there Ali - this is a turn up - I guess you weren't expecting this!...
I have no specific advice...I've said somewhere before on these boards that i don't think "advice" is particularly helpful - cos no-one else really knows the posters particular situation...
but i do have some observations / questions...
Understandably, like many of us - you get thrown into a loop when something like this comes through from your ex...
Its a positive "reaching out" - what do you make of it? You know you ex better than anyone here...
Right at the moment - everything must be screaming at you to reply - right?
What is going to be most positive for you? In the short term? In the long term...
Perhaps think about this like a game of chess...
Ali - I know you have the answers...
Everyone here will be with you, no matter what moves you make...
take care - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Hey Rob! Yes, Jody tells me I am STILL in stage 1 - reducing negative emotions and guilt and yes, I dont want to write back straight away perhaps, although I want to keep the dialogue going?
Hey GFI.. yes, I wasnt expecting it, I was shocked! And pleasantly surprised at his tone. I think the brilliant thing is, that without the 'hook' of M or kids, I am still managing to keep him interested, just by being me! I have managed to reconnect with him via music, thats how all this started, back in January 1996 and as we both like to keep up with new music (and Helen clearly isnt !!) this is a great, light, neutral, but valuable way for us to connect. And I can tell I have impressed him, I am more 'up to date' than he is!
Hey Cyrena, thanks for your clarity, once again. I guess he is implying he will phone me. But yes, NO idea when and still all on his terms hey. He's meeting BMF on Thursday apparently, to talk. I'm glad he is using this wingman as his confidante, as this guy is pretty astute and was the first (and only male) friend to tell me he thought my ex was in MLC and in crisis and to wait for him to come out of it eventually..
No.. I couldnt cope with him coming home and leaving again, no way! I would rather wait until I get that calm look in his eye, thats been gone for about 2 years now, yes. I still feel certain that he is NOT in love with Helen, it wont last with her, but I am still the old sensible lifetime option he is running from. I really do want to iron out these lows that are still washing over me at times.
What did you mean when you said "And the closer they are to being "done," the faster they cycle." - closer to being done as in, over MLC ? He is still "up and down" with depression, he said before Christmas.
Hi, Ali, Just a quick (ha!) note--on the email, I'd say wait a bit to respond, then do your usual light, funny response.
I think it's great that you are involved in so many GAL activities! I particularly wanted to respond to your questions about yoga. Yes, it's normal to find it difficult and be sore afterward! I've been studying yoga for about 15 years (and was a gymnast before that), and I think the reason that yoga classes have so few men is that there is this widespread misconception that yoga is a wimpy, non-demanding exercise...HA!! (And some think that yoga classes involve religious stuff that may not be to one's taste...that *can* be true sometimes, but usually isn't in classes in the Western world.) Anyway, on the difficulty thing...I'd like to see some of those "yoga is for weaklings" guys go through a vinyasa sun salutation series a couple of times and see if they can stand up without trembling! Even with as flexible as I am, and as long as I've been doing this, and all the other exercise that I do (weightlifting, bicycling, swimming...), I'm *still* nearly always sore the day after a yoga class!
It has to do with how hard you push yourself relative to what you're used to...like any form of exercise. If you are a runner, you can take a nice leisurely stroll, and you probably won't be sore the next day. If you run a marathon...you'll probably be hurting later. Yoga is the same way.
By the way, there are lots of different styles of yoga. Which are you studying? Iyengar, hatha, vinyasa, kripalu, anusara, Bikram ("hot yoga")...?
Take care of yourself, Ali. Hopefully all this GAL will help lift you up emotionally. Be well.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey Dawn, thanks for your blessings! You sound much better yourself and I am so glad. I really enjoyed it and thanks for the description! I might sign up for a 2nd class a week, it was that good! The website says they do - asana, pranayama and dhyana, which is just general yoga I guess??
So I woke up thinking about him as usual, my first thought on waking was.. his email is more of the same. Its good that he emailed me, but nothing significant in it, although the tone was a bit warmer/sweeter than before. Its not bad and at least he still wants me in his life. I cant work out if he is trying to be my friend, or still fence sitting. The comments he made to the friends H in Tenerife and to BMF here would indicate he IS still somewhat conflicted, but I would say the conflict percentage is low, else he would make a little more effort to keep me interested. Maybe it doesnt work that way. I am sure morally he berates himself for any contact with me, seeing as he has a gf, plus he is very anxious about upsetting me.
I drafted a chatty, witty reply back, but not sent it yet. I found a great link to a trailer for a new indie British film, starring those peeps from Gavin and Stacey, so he will be impressed with that, as I know he wont have heard of it, as I hadnt! More little hooks that I am the more well rounded, interesting individual. Although, SHE is not my enemy as such, its his "I just need to cut loose", as he told me last May and as he said then "I dont even know what that means". He needs to get through and past that and get to adulthood!!
So question is.. when to send the email. And I wonder whether he is still going for that talk with BMF tommorow. Hmm. No doubt I will find out from Cher soon enough!
...and someone kindly sent me something very interesting, which is pertinent to my sitch (and many others, T you would find it interesting, and Kalni too, from a different perspective, of how your H is making you feel perhaps?) its... Cognitive dissonance. Its worth googling for more info.
I think whats going on with me and him, is in part to DO with me and him and our long standing best friendship/affection/harmonious R which is hard for him to let go of, neverlone me.. but also, in part to do with DBing.. that I worked hard to banish the negative sides of my personality that had overtaken me and got back to who I used to be, for myself really (as it didnt make me happy being that negative, unhappy, stay at home ill person I had become for a few years there).
But these things combined have made his decision to leave me less clear cut and left him with dissonance! Question is, how do I make use of that and build on his confusion?
You dont, damn it!! You do nothing in regards to HIM. Nothing!!! Do you hear ME? I am coming to "get you" one of these days, I swear! Ali, stop that. The email was indifferent, polite and that was it!. Nothing else. Nobody can be sure of the outcome of any of the sitches here. Things are changing, changing, cnhanging... What you have to go with, is the present. Presently, he is gone. Go with that. Cry, blame yourself, him, Helen, me if you like, but just accept he is gone. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx K
Hey K... I hear you! I accept he is gone, but...I'm not sure I would describe his email as indifferent? The fact he sent a present/email at all shows he still cares? Maybe he is just keeping a thread dangling, in case it doesnt work out with Helen! But if I'm going with the present then..presently, after 14 months apart, we are still in friendly contact at least. So..just do nothing? As in..not even reply to it? Hmm, feels counter productive, I dont know! I think I will email back at some point. Thanks Whatever for that also...
So, in answer to GFI's question...would I take him back? Yes I would, not because I need him, I dont.. but because of all the people I have ever met in my lifetime (male and female) I would say he was possibly my most favourite, my best friend, the person I feel the most comfortable with, be myself with, makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me feel like I am 'home' and who I could spend a lifetime with.
I'm sure some of those statements are true for him too! but sadly not all of them hey. xxx
