H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, MWG, thanks. I do definitely feel better than I did at the bomb, and I recovered from the smaller bombs faster (I think drugs made a big difference here!). Overall the trend is slow improvement, although I do have ups and downs.

I will start teaching a calligraphy class again on Wednesday, and I am adding the option for students who have taken my beginning class to continue on (since all of my students last time begged me to offer a continuing class) , so I have a few things to do in preparation for that; primarily preparing exemplars for the new lettering style I am going to teach them.

I have learned so much from my students, and I have discovered that I really enjoy teaching these classes! In fact, it is the ONLY waking time I've had since the bomb that I have not thought about H or the wreck of our M for an entire two-hour span! Hmmm, maybe that's one of the reasons I enjoy the teaching?! I definitely haven't mastered thought-stopping; I guess I need to practice it more. I probably rely too much on my ADs to get me into a better frame of mind, and it would be better for me to take more active steps toward improvement in my attitude. Speaking of which...I am procrastinating on finding a new therapist. I want someone who does solution-based therapy, is pro-marriage, and also does cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm also wondering how I will pay for all of it. My insurance covers a good bit, but I still have to pay a chunk of change for each visit.

The weather forecast predicted that it would be partly cloudy today, but as far as I can see from indoors, there isn't a cloud in the sky. I'm up a lot earlier than usual, so it's the middle of the day and the sun is shining brightly, so even though it's right at freezing temperature, I think I will go for a little walk, try to get some vitamin D and help with the SAD, which I suspect I have (on top of standard clinical depression that sits on my shoulders year-round).

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, got my walk in, and even with the cold, it was nice to be out in the sunshine for a change, but I'm pretty sore from my weight workout yesterday. I think the last time I went for a walk was when H requested that we go on one, and he told me he was leaving that day. <sigh> Trying not to shy away from everything I used to enjoy due to being tainted by now-negative associations with him.

I definitely need to go stock up on fruit and stop with the cookies and pie! My jeans are getting tight, and I don't like that! I do sometimes go a little wacko with sweets, especially at the holidays, but I can get it under control. Just have to exercise a little more discipline.

And now...for my next trick, I'm going to attempt, yet again, to be in bed before the sun rises. It's only 2 a.m., and I'm not in the middle of a book, so I have a chance.

Peace,
Dawn

[mishka422]

Hope you got to bed and got some sleep Dawn. It takes a while to readjust your body clock back to more "normal" hours. Work at it an hour at a time and you'll be back to a steady scheudle in no time.

What I found helped me a lot was to purposely leave the book I am reading in the other room, as far from my bedroom as possible. Once I got in the bed and lights out I wasn't as tempted to get up and go get it.

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Mishka, thanks for posting and for the suggestion about the book. That gave me an idea for a modification to that which might give me the incentive I need--I will try it and see how it goes. I did get to bed slightly earlier last night...only about 45 minutes earlier than the earliest I have been doing lately, but if I can make it a trend, I won't complain about the tiny steps. Someone I know was used to staying up until 3 a.m. after doing that for years and years, and then she married someone who was in bed by 10 or 11 every night, so she worked at it 15 minutes at a time. She said it took her 6 months to make the transition complete. My sleep patterns are so erratic, it's difficult to know if I'm improving. One night I'll go to bed at 3 a.m., the next at 6 a.m., then maybe 4 a.m., then 8 a.m. What a mess. I guess it's both good and bad that I don't usually have to be up at a particular time--good in that I can still usually get enough sleep, but bad in that I'm not *forced* into a more normal schedule by exhaustion. <sigh> Any other suggestions would be welcome. This has been going on way too long. The only time in the last 20 years that I had a handle on this was for a few months after the bomb, but then I started slipping again, and lately I've been as bad as ever.

I got a lot of procrastinated things off my plate today, so I'm pretty pleased about that. I called the student loan company to find out if there is any possibility I might be under any obligation regarding payment on the student loan that H cosigned for OW (which I'm sure I wasn't supposed to know about in the first place and have not discussed with him). Fortunately, they told me I don't have anything to worry about there. I also did a couple of things that needed doing to prepare for the class I start teaching in two days (still a few more to do, but I'm getting there).

Ordered a copy of my credit report, which is free since I just got rejected when applying for a credit card. Not sure if I talked about this before or not...at the end of December, I applied for a card in my own name only so that I could start establishing credit independent of H, since we have pretty much gone the joint route on everything financial...I was rejected because I'm still on all of our joint credit cards (even though I almost never use them, and H is responsible for the payments on them), so between the debt levels on those cards, and my low income, my debt-to-income ratio is too high, because H's income isn't being figured into the mix, but the debt he has run up IS. Soooo...my debt ratio is something like 116%, and they like it to be no more than 35%. So I will have to do something more drastic before I can set that up, but in the meantime I can at least see about cleaning up my credit wherever I can.

Anyone else have the problem of never feeling like you've done enough, even just for the moment? I mean in a general sense, not specific to your M or anything else. No matter how much I do, or how good it is, or how hard I work, even when I've done a lot and am patting myself on the back for it, I still have this feeling that it's not enough. Even on those rare occasions when I feel pretty good about something I've done, that "not enough" feeling is there, even if I don't want to acknowledge it and have pushed it into a closet. Hmmm...no wonder I have so much trouble getting started on anything or making any changes! If it's never going to be enough, or "good enough," why bother at all? I've had this insight before, but every time you look at something like this about yourself, you go a little deeper with it, and hopefully are able to make better use of it.

Sometimes I think I am wearing myself out, thinking too much. Of course, if I spent half as much energy getting things done as I do procrastinating about them, I wouldn't have much left to procrastinate about!

Hmmmm. Guess I'll go see what else I can get myself to get done today.

Peace,
Dawn

[dl443322]

Hey Dawn, the thinking too much is a malady I have always been cursed with. I say to myself, STOP, and think of something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

About the credit. Try getting a credit card associated with a store. They are easier than the big ones. And go from there.
Do you have your own bank account? If not, open one. Good idea to check credit report.

Though I know its hard, try to go to bed the same time every night. You might toss and turn for hours but do it anyway. Keep the room dark and quiet.

Good luck with it all. You are doing great!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, BM, thanks for posting and suggestions. Yes, I do have my own bank account--started out as the bank account for my business, but when things went sideways in the M and I decided to try to cover all my own purchases, it became the "everything" bank account.

Yeah, I'm doing fine, except when I'm beating my head against the wall, or trying to cover expenses that are 3x my income... And I feel like a failure for not being able to forgive H and get past the anger, despite all my prayers and efforts in that direction... I probably have more patience than the average person, but I just feel stuck in a holding pattern right now. Guess I'm experiencing a bit of a slide into hopelessness and depression and questioning of self-worth right now. I find myself wanting to kick and scream and insist that the world (or at least my portion of it) become FAIR, right now! Much of the time, the ADs help me float above all this a bit, but right now I'm getting that sick feeling in the belly.

Okay, I think I'm just making things worse for myself by talking about it. I'm going to go read some other people's threads.

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Dawn checking in on you. You do sound good and you seem to be handling your sitch very well. The anger and forgiveness are a tough one. Keep praying for help from God for this one.

I truly believe you need the devine power to completely be able to forgive and let go. I do good, but even find myself at times with the anger re-surfacing.

You are doing so good. I am very impressed!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam, thanks very much for checking on me and posting. I agree about the anger and forgiveness...for months, I have been at the place where I KNOW I can't get past them on my own, so I pray for help with those things constantly. I can be pretty stubborn about doing things myself, and not "bothering" God or anyone else for help, but I've given up on this one, because I've been living with these feelings for long enough that I can't see any way I can get past them without divine help. I just feel so stuck, in that respect.

You do sound good and you seem to be handling your sitch very well. You are doing so good. I am very impressed!

Really??! Wow, I hope I'm not being unintentionally misleading in what I write here (although I'm more "me" here on the boards than with even my closest RL friends, in some respects). I know I'm doing better than I was at the beginning of the whole nightmare, but I mostly attribute that to AD's! And I still see so many things about me that need improvement...<ahem> did I mention that I am really hard on myself? I have come to realize that *I* need more work before I am ready for H to see the light and straighten up and fly right. I sometimes wonder if God had H move out for just that reason. I dunno; I don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out God's motives. I just keep praying to be guided to God's perfect path for me, and the same for my H. And then I just try to follow what I think are God's instructions, even though they aren't always very clear to me. Fumbling towards holiness...that's me.

I spent a good bit of the day on the computer, mostly doing research related to my business. Checked out a lot of other calligraphers on one of the major wedding websites...I have to say that I wasn't terribly impressed with most of them. I only found two (out of at least 50 I checked out) whose work I could get a good look at, who actually do it by hand, and who have what I would consider decent skills. (And several have websites that are under construction [or are poorly set up, making it difficult to get the desired info], of which I am guilty myself, but am working on.) Of course, nearly all of these companies charge less than I do, and I'm probably about to raise my prices...but I really do think I'm worth it. And...I have been doing a lot of work with people on the coasts, and I'm quite cheap for those areas, but my expenses are less, being in the midwest. So that's kind of a win-win situation with clients in those more expensive locales.

Okay, I must go find some food. I haven't eaten yet today (well, technically, yesterday...it's 12:30 a.m. and I haven't eaten anything since before I went to bed last night). I know, I know, not the healthiest way to live...hey, if I had a chef fixing my meals for me, where all I had to do was sit down and eat them, I could probably manage a normal number and timing of meals! Gee, sounds like I need a wife! HA!!

Peace,
Dawn

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Dawn!!

I soooooo can sympathize with your challenges regarding credit and finances. Since H and I just finished building our "dream house" this past summer, we have a ton of debt. The idea was to re-fi upon completion, but now with the split.......

I applied for just an overdraft line of credit for my bank account (so if I mis-calculate or anything, I have a cushion). It's just a $1000 line so checks don't bounce. Well, the credit union we have been with for 15 years turned me down because they show the debt/income ratio as 81%. And we have a credit line on our joint account! And I even asked them to appeal it, but even that was denied!

I am an accountant in a financial services firm, and my employer randomly checks credit of employees. The though of them doing that and seeing this makes me sick! But it's not like I can do anything about it!

So, what kind of books do you read? I have always been an avid reader! I love the sappy romance novels! Nothing with any redeeming literary value! Pure fairytale!! Cinderella, but give me the details!!! And I used to love staying up all night with a good book. It was definitely my vice. A real addiction. (A healthier one than most) But, I can't do that anymore. My attention span is nil and I fall asleep. But, I still buy books by my favorite authors hoping that someday I will get that back.

Take it easy, (((((Dawn)))))!

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I posted on my own thread! I have been trying to check the boards less often because I just keep getting sucked into reading everything and I'll be on for hours and hours. Not a good thing, that. I'm trying to wean myself from spending so much time on the computer overall, and this board is a significant factor. But I should get notified if anyone posts to me, so you can do that to get my attention and a response.

I am doing okay. I have been sort of hibernating; the weather has been not very nice where I am, and it is a slow time of year for my business, so I have been vegetating a bit too much for my own good and not getting very much accomplished. But I think it's time to take steps to break that pattern.

I started teaching another (small) calligraphy class--two returning students and one new one--a couple of weeks ago. I really enjoy the teaching, which is a big surprise for me (I had resisted teaching for years--I was scared to teach, afraid I couldn't communicate the concepts well, but it doesn't seem to be a big problem and I really like interacting with my students). The bonus is that it's the ONLY two-hour stretch every week when I DON'T think about H at all! That is a great relief for me, since I'm not very successful with the thought-stopping thing.

My aunt (mother's oldest sister) died about two weeks ago, and so for the last week, my mother has been halfway across the country dealing with related issues and visiting her remaining sister. She is coming back tomorrow, and her car has been in my driveway since she left (I live in an area with a major airport; she lives two hours away in the boonies). I was going to take the car I don't drive out of the garage and park it in the driveway, and put her car in the garage instead, but then it snowed. A lot. And neither of those cars is exactly in mint condition, and it wouldn't hurt either of them much to be out, so I decided not to worry about it. After I pick her up from the airport tomorrow, my mother is staying with me overnight and driving back Sunday when it's daylight. And it looks like we will be having dinner with my friend Lynn and her H--at Lynn's request; she wants to get to know my mom better (which makes her kind of a rare bird, since my mom is a great person in many respects, but many people find her rather...hmm, how to expresss it?...formidable, and [unintentionally] intimidating). Anyway...I was not really close to the aunt who just died--we lived about 1000 miles apart, so I hadn't seen her in at least 10 years, and she was 87...but I never knew her to be critical or unkind to anyone, and I remember her fondly. She was one of the gentler souls in the family, despite being the oldest of six (my mom is the youngest--but you'd never guess it if you met her; she acts like a first-born!).

I am completely out of money at the moment (okay, my checking account has $40...but I've already written checks for more than that amount, just haven't mailed them yet). I have a stack of unpaid (and mostly overdue) bills at my elbow that is about 4 inches high and I'm afraid to look at them, and I have no savings or credit cards of my own. However, I'm expecting checks from several clients in the next few days, so even though they won't cover all of my bills, at least I will continue to have food and water and heat and a decent car and a roof over my head, and my cats and I won't be out on the street. I have legitimate access to the account my H's paycheck goes into, and also several credit cards that we hold jointly, but I am trying to avoid using his money for anything other than what he volunteered to pay for (mortgage and utilities for the house, which I am still living in although he is not). I will use some of his income if I have to, and I don't *think* he would begrudge me doing so (especially if I explained that the alternative was starving or whatever)--although who can predict when a MLCer will take offense--but I feel strongly that I need to become financially independent ASAP. I really hate the fact that I am in this predicament, in which I am not even earning above the poverty line for one person, despite my education and intelligence and skills and the effort I have put into building my business over the last fifteen years. And here I am completely broke, and I'm just hoping to learn whatever lesson this is supposed to teach me QUICKLY.

I have been trying to motivate myself to finish the work I need to do for my website while the paying work is slow...so that I can get lots more paying work. (It might seem that the issues mentioned in the previous paragraph would provide adequate incentive, but unfortunately that has not done the trick so far.) I have so many ideas for marketing my work (even though I am definitely no marketing guru!), but they have all been on the back burner waiting for the website to be up and running so that when I talk to people about what I do, they can go to my site and judge for themselves whether they find it to be of interest to them. And the part that I need to do isn't even hard stuff...just scanning samples of my work, which I already know how to do. I just need to do it. I think the reason it's taking me so long (my site has been under construction for over four years, and is still just one basic info page with no samples of my work) is that I have this fear of no longer having that excuse for why I'm not earning even enough to scrape by. Yes, as I've mentioned before, I definitely have issues. Too bad I can't wave a wand and fix them.

Absolutely no news on the M front; it is now over five weeks since my last contact of any kind with H (just to refresh your memory, he dropped by unexpectedly on Christmas Eve, for about 5 minutes, at which point I hadn't had any contact with him for 3 weeks). So I have seen him once, for five minutes, in the two months since about a week after he moved out, and there has been no phone/email/text contact either. It is getting easier (in emotional terms) to deal with his leaving, and is definitely more peaceful in the house without having to deal with his MLC issues. I don't know if I qualify as detached, but I feel much better not being around him as long as he's possessed by Mr. Bluto Zorg, Space Alien.

The only news I have about him that hasn't been mentioned in prior posts is that my neighbor (I have talked to her and her H about my sitch) told me this week that her H saw my H out driving somewhere with OW, and he (the neighbor) came home and told his W, "I know Dawn said OW was big, but my G*d, she's HUGE! She filled up the entire front seat of his car!" <heh, heh, heh!> So, not to make anyone here feel bad about their weight, but the validation of the contrast (since I'm a size 2!) made me feel better and helped keep away the "It's all my fault" feelings.

I have a question to present for the benefit of your collective wisdom. H's birthday is in a couple of days. I definitely am not going to get him a gift or a card or call him, but I'm wondering if I should email/text a simple "Happy Birthday" message. Should I break NC to that small extent? I am fine with it either way, I'm just not sure what would be the best move here, DB-wise. If it were an anniversary, I would just ignore it (that's what happened last year--neither of us has mentioned an anniversary since the bomb), but I'm not sure what to do about his birthday when we have been in NC for over a month. I'd just as soon not have any contact with him at all while he's treating me as though I'm some sort of nasty fungus, but I will have to communicate with him at some point regardless, if for no other reason than to discuss tax filing issues before the April deadline. And I don't want to give him more ammunition for demonizing me--"You didn't even acknowledge my birthday!"

My last birthday (mine is in July), we were still living together but he was very reluctant to so much as touch me, and he verbally wished me a happy birthday before he left for work, and then in the evening, asked what my plans were, and I told him that Lynn and her H were taking me out for dinner. He surprised me (since he had not indicated any interest in spending time with me for over six months, except to periodically tell me how unhappy I made him) by saying, "Oh...I was going to offer to take you out for dinner." So I invited him to go along, which he did. And that was it for my birthday. No gifts, cards, flowers, etc. from the man who, for over twenty years up to the bomb, normally had at least three gifts and multiple cards for me on any gift-giving occasion (he is amazing at selecting just the right gift--and I'm not talking about the cost, but the suitability to the recipient--especially for having a Y chromosome!), and we always went out to eat for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's Day.

So...I am inviting your advice on this matter. What do you think would be best for me to do, and why? Operators are standing by...

Peace,
Dawn