I do think that you need to go dark a bit more. Although you want H to still be involve in your D life, do it for now. He like my H wants to have his cake and eat it too. After my wonderful night with H on Sat, on Sunday I just didn't call him, I bet he was waiting for me to call but I didn't. Then on Monday, he called and I call him back, then Monday night he called again but I ignored his call. Today, neither of us have called which is good. I know after Sat that H does love and miss me b/c we have had really limited contact and he showed very good signs of missing our old life. He just has shown no remorse and nope he hasn't yet mentioned coming back home. But, I don't want to give him the idea that all is well because we are now talking. He needs to know that he has really hurt me. This is our 3rd separation!! The second one I left and he followed, so you can imagine how tired I am of the yoyo. So, good luck and change things up for your H, quite doing more of the same. He's not living with you so things should be different. And, I'm trying to remind myself that as Michele said, if we revert too quickly, they will revert as well. So it has to be a long range change. I need it to sink into him. I really hope I don't sucker in b/c I think I'm so weak for this man.
I know I need to go a bit more dark. Just can't get myself there yet. It seems like it is easier for H to be the one to do nc (like when he gets mad at me) than it is for me to be the one to initiate it. I might have a hard time the first day when he doesn't talk to me (although I do NOT call him at that time) but after that it seems to get a little bit easier. I am probably making no sense with what I just said. Hard to explain.
I did just fine not talking to him all weekend. Yes I asked to talk to him on Sunday when D7 wanted to come home early but I was fully prepared to just discuss her and hang up. H is the one that kept the convo going. Maybe I should have cut the call short and said I had to go and get some things done. Guess I will do that next time.
My H shows no remorse either. He acts as if he has done nothing wrong. That irritates me so much. You would think with all they do to us and as mad as we get that it would be so easy to walk away and never look back. But it's not.
Haven't read your entire thread, but wanted to share one thing that DB coach said: always be the one to end the conversation 'cause you're busy, you've got things to do, places to go, someone to see, whatever... you've got a life!
Thank you for the advice. I am definately going to work on that. Keeps him wondering and thinking. There have been a couple times when I have been the one to end the convo and he would say "oh, your kicking me to the curb." How do I respond to that? I will start being consistent on ending the calls.
They are all cut from the same dirty fabric! My W shows no remorse, and she has no prob not calling or talking to me either. I think that guilt has to be the thing that drives their actions above all else. I have definitely noticed a pattern where my W is very cold/distant on days that she is going out w/her "girlfriend (yeah right!)." I'm working hard to move towards NC. I think it's the only way to go.
H does not really show the cold/distant part with me. The only time he does that is when we are fighting. Otherwise, he just always acts playful or as if nothing is wrong. That is the part that I struggle with. Here he is acting like everything is great when our M is pretty much done and there is OW in the picture. But he acts like WE are doing great.
H took D7 today after school for his weekday visit and later called me telling me that he wanted to keep her overnight. I agreed and had to take her some school clothes for tomorrow.
I got there and he was all cheery and talkative to me. Wanting to be playful again. I was trying to be in a hurry to get out of there. For one because it is a 180 for me and another is because I cannot stand being there knowing that OW will be calling anytime.
He did not want me to leave yet. He actually opened his mouth and said that to me. That was weird. I kept telling him that I needed to be going. A few minutes later he grabbed my face and kissed me! I have NO idea why he did that.
I said bye to D7 and told H I had to go and I left that time. I didn't even get out of the driveway good and he was calling. I did not answer:)
I went home and got some things done and H called again about 2 hours later and I did answer this time. We talked for quite a while just joking and keeping it light. He did not bring up the kiss nor did I. He picked at me a little about my "friend" and then shortly after he said that OW was beeping in so I told him I would let him get off the phone and I did. She is such a skank!
dont u love how they behave? it can really play with our heads.
just curious, how long are u separated, i cant remember if i read it in previous posts...
i think its funny how u openly tells u she is calling...
in my situation, we never legally separated and he totally denies involvement with the ow. in fact, i didnt even know about her for well over a year...
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
We have been S for almost 8 months now. But we are legally S. I filed D in May and all we are waiting on for the D is for me to finish paying my L fees which will be done in about a month now. Then the D will be final.
Yes he tells me all the time when OW calls or is calling. If H and I are together and the phone rings he will give me a look like "it's her" and if I ask he will confirm. If we are talking on the phone he will tell me if he has talked to her that day (which he talks to her EVERY day).
H's A has been going on for a year now. I found out about it about a month into it. It had 2 slack times where they were not talking cause she just up and dissappeared. That hasn't happened since Christmas and that was only for a week. Prior to that she stopped calling him for 1 month. But she is back calling full force again.
I picked up D7 from his house this afternoon after work and she cried all the way home. She wanted to stay with H and spend time with him. I had her call him on our way home to talk to him a bit. This is killing me.
what does she think? i guess u explained it to her...my son has no clue, he just thinks he is at work, he doesnt notice because he was always used to him working long hours and leaving at 3 am for work in the morning.
can u drag your feet on the legal stuff more than a month u think?
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
D7 knows what is going on. I told myself that I would not lie to her about things. Now I don't tell her that dad could not keep his pants up or anything like that. But she knows that we are D'ing and she is not happy about it. Tells me all the time that she wants us to be back together and live with dad again.
A few months back H had me spending the night a lot. D7 said to me that if we kept doing that maybe we would get back together. I just explained to her that was not going to happen. I did stop spending the night with him though. On my own accord but he has not asked me since to stay.
I could probably drag my feet on the legal stuff for a bit. H seems in no hurry to get it done. I really think he wanted to stay M and do what he is doing cause he is always telling me that I kicked him to the curb and filed.
He expects that I will finalize the D when taxes are done. Not sure how it will play out when the taxes are done. I do wonder if he will bring up the D or not.
