Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[25yearsmlc]

You said you "plainly asked him if that's what he wants" (ie a sexless m) and that you are "starting to think that is what he wants". "Starting to think"????? Wth? What did he SAY? What was his answer?

And are you saying that in all other ways, you are "fine" or "Great"? Really?

You said he doesn't do "r" talk. Also said you used to ml "regularly" but "it wasnt' what you would have liked..." so which is it? I mean, sounds as if these problems are long standing, OR he sort of slid backwards until the "somewhat acceptable" for you, became too much for you, or you changed as well. And the resentment you felt you handled poorly, I assume means you hurt his ego a lot. So he's got some pressure there. And understandable resentments.

If you know you cannot live in a sexless M, or one in which you make all the moves, IF you KNOW this, than what's the question for you here?


Aren't you really asking us the magic words/secret ways to make him change into what you think you need? Sorry, no such thing.

Hate to tell you, but if you are clearly expressing yourself with realistic goals, (and I mean clearly) you may already have your answers but choose to believe otherwise. For instance, The emailing is just another form of R talk that he told you he doesn't do. So I don't see a diff in your approach. You're still demanding that he show you love in your love language, even if it isn't his love language. He said he doesn't do the talking thing, and so, you thought a "180" was... emailing? ....Sorry but it Seems like R talk to me, Just in written form.

Plus, what is it you want him to write down to you? Poems? Sexual thoughts? I'm serious. What is it you want, specifically? Is it something he cannot give you? If he says it is, why don't you believe him? He says he doesn't do R talk and then he doesn't do it. And you're hurt. So you say, "Do it MY way again, by email!, (or you don't love me)" And he doesn't do it. And you're hurt....yet claim his needs are met?

Does he feel attracted to you? Pardon me for asking this, but have you changed much physically? Has he? maybe he has gained weight and does not feel sexually attractive, even if you say he is. Or has he gotten a physical? He could have low testosterone and low libido. Hard question to ask, (pardon the pun.)

You sound as if he has said many things that are rough to hear, but when I re-read your post, I realize he may not have said these things at all. You may be doing a lot of mind reading. So far, if you were really good at mind reading, you probably would not be here.

Now, if you state something quite clearly and it obviously requires a response of some type, but it is ignored...THAT IS A RESPONSE. Just not the one you wanted. Don't wonder about it, don't over analyze and pretend it's confusing. You got the answer. He's either so confused he's paralyzed, which IS an answer b/c the lack of clarity afterr all this time, I mean at some point, simply means his priorities are too wacky or selfish for him to come clean. Too apathetic perhaps. OR he is ignoring you b/c it's the coward's way of saying goodbye and trying to avoid responsibility for it. Does it matter which it is? Again, I'm assuming clarity on your end and no mind reading or guessing games. I heard my d19's friend say that her bf "Should know without me telling him X" and I interrupted and said, "No, men are not mind readers so stop that expectation now..." or be miserable forever.

IOW did he actually tell you he does not want counselling, or refuse to go? What does he say he does want? I have to also ask you, what your R was like with your dad? Any pattern of unavailability, emotionally, geographically, etc?
What's your role in this? You say his needs are being met. Really? Does he seem happy to you? Does he SAY his needs are met? We need to know what is said vs what you think he feels, to really be able to help out. And by the way, from my standpoint, he sounds depressed. Can't tell if it's b/c of the pressure, or the depression caused the disconnect between you, or what...chicken or the egg. At some point, the rehashing of the unchangeable past is counter productive, as are score cards, and all that matters is a united view of the future together.

I heard a man at a M workshop (there without his wife) discuss whether he wanted her to come to the "graduation". She said sure. Then he retracted the invite for some reason. Fine, she said. Then he wondered if he should re-invite her....anyhow, at the end of the workshop he announced that he'd been a fool. He had wanted her to love him in one specific way. HIS way. His "lane of traffic" for love, with certain requirements and dimensions to it, but instead, she had been loving him for decades in all the other lanes, her ways, and he'd missed out on accepting her love for so long. "What a waste" he said.

Now, I'm not saying that sex isn't important. God knows I am Not saying that. But it seems as if there are other things going on here. The "talking" focus, and the taking no initiative.

I am saying your focus and approach is aimed so specifically at what he says he cannot do, I have to wonder if there are things that you are missing. What is it he does do, that makes you feel loved by him? Have you expressed gratitude for those signs of love? Please, do yourself a favor and read Five LL's.

You do "know" your approach so far has not worked. So try something truly different. At least then you'll know you did your part. And if your needs are not being met by him, and the needs are needs only a h can fulfill, you have a choice to make about what you'll do with your life. Changing him is out. Not an option. If you change yourself, who knows what will happen? But GAL is for you to live, well.
What are you doing to GAL?

j-