PM Thread #3

[Silver Fox]

Hi PM,

I've never posted to you but have been reading a little of your thread.

H definitely wants to be seen as a good guy but not really follow through. He recently told my MIL that he said I, PM, did nothing wrong. I am glad he has come around to that way of thinking. But it still doesn't mean he will work on our M or that he will leave OW. I need to have a ton of patience

I'm in the same boat. And my H from the beginning has said it's nothing I've done. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder.

that's just the way she thinks because H tells her that there is no way he is coming back so she is trying to think how things will go about in the future.

Same thing is happening to me. I've always gotten along with my MIL but she's always let H do what he wants. He thinks she's on his side because she's quiet and just listens to his justifications as to why he wants to leave our M. I wish she would just once say "What you're doing is outrageous and wrong! You need to crawl back to that woman who's been part of our family for over 20 years and beg for forgiveness!"

We don't have children so if our M does indeed end, I'll probably never see my MIL, SIL, or niece and nephew again.

So sad.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks everyone for sharing our thoughts with me, especially new friends like SilverFox.

My H is definitely passive agressive, our IC confirmed that. So he is definitely waiting for me to act. However, I have decided not to file or leave. I am staying put in our home and not moving an inch. I will not help him remove me from his life. Lately my resolve is weakening because MIL is visiting and she is also very passive agressive, so like SilverFox says, she is quiet and listens to all his justifications and he thinks she is approving his decision. She doesn't want to alienate her son so she doesn't speak up for me. It's very sad, we were all best friends and now the dynamic has changed. So now I am mourning not just my M and our friendship but my friendship with MIL. We talk very deeply about what is happening to H but something has changed and the fact that she just accepts his decision makes me resent her a little.

She has met OW. In H's eyes, that's validating his decision. So although OW is not her best friend like I was, I feel replaced nonetheless and very left out.

My MIL and I spent countless hours analyzing H's behavior, but it all comes down to his screwed up issues, his passive agressive behavior, the fact that he can't handle the stress in his life, the fact that his ego needs stroking by another female and he is being led around by his 'manhood'. She becomes teary during these talks, and I try to console HER. Ironic, isn't it. I have to stay positive for her. I feel strong but weak at the same time. My best friend has betrayed me and I am consoling his mother.

He has told her that he definitely wants to stay separated from me. No surprises here since he is still deep in his A. But don't think he has in mind to file papers, probably because he is passive-aggressive.

I am telling myself that I need patience. It has been wonderful having her here to talk about his issues with her. But at the same time, it will be good for her to go since I won't have to see him so much.

He wants her to move to where we live and in my head I think, WTH? Who is she going to live with, me?? She is staying with me now while visiting while he is supposedly living in a serviced apartment. I think he wants her around to keep him on the straight and narrow and to make sure his head is clear. But she has her work and her own H and can't just move to where we are. How is any of this going to work?

I think her talks with him has clued into his psyche about the consequences of his actions. He understands intellectually what he has done but he can't help himself. He is not thinking with his brain. So bringing reality into his fogland has been good, I think. But that doesn't mean he will change his mind or anything. He knows he is making his own life very difficult at a time when he says he wants peace and quiet. How ironic. When we were together, he had it so good he was spoilt. But now the whole situation is so messy.

He is still very very angry with me, even after all these months. I can see it in his eyes. Maybe he will be angry forever for whatever 'wrong' I have done him. MIL was trying to find out what happened. I don't believe there was one specific incident and if there was, I would be willing to listen. But H is so tightlipped that not I nor my MIL nor IC knows. Maybe he doesn't know why himself. He just tells himself that he feels differently and so gave himself an excuse to go do whatever brought his pleasure.

Sometimes I think he is such a miserable person, why do I want to deal with him and want him back? I just don't know how this will turn out. I even told MIL. Eventhough I have not even thought of abandoning my M, I think my MIL thinks eventually I will remarry so she has kinda accepted this possibility.

[hope3343]

Hi PM {{{hugs}}}
I know this is a tough time. Like you, my H is angry with me everytime we spoke and I would feed into that so he could justify his actions, say I nag him, preach etc. I have detached from him as much as possible lately.

My IC said that a WAS will find reasons to me mad and basically "re-write the marriage" so he has justification to cover his own guilty feelings. That is what your H is basically doing.

My H has filed D papers on Friday. I do not want this and have spoken to any atty about a Fault D for adultery. I am going to try and delay this with hopes that H will tire of the A (I can just continue to pray) take care and stay strong.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM....

HUGS...

You know count the few blessings, that your MIL even wants to talk with you and stay at your house... My MIL is similar to yours but my in-laws haven't reached out not even ONCE to me... my MIL told me not to contact her anymore on this subject her emotions can't handle it. So my nephews, brother in law, sister in law and MIL I will probably never talk to again. it is AMAZING but it just defines and confirms why my H is doing the same thing as my IC tells me... MIL is detaching and shoving feelings down just like my H ... that is where he learned it from. No one in his family talks about anything to him... to Silver Fox point.. how hard is it to just say... " you really need to do everything to save your marriage before you jump into another relationship - you have kids"

But we can only control our actions and not those of others... You are a strong person to be able to talk with MIL and comfort her.. crazy!!!

Sounds like you have a good handle with how you want to handle this so keep up the PMA and GAL'ing...

xoxo

[hope3343]

txmom, check my sitch for contact.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks hope and TxMom for your reassuring words. You are both right.

MIL left yesterday and I will miss her. My kids miss her already and I know my H misses her. But I am afraid he will go back to his 'old' ways of thinking only of himself and his needs and putting his kids last again. While MIL was here, he was around all the time to be with the family. I saw that he valued family more. But now that she is gone, his values will change. Not that he was putting on an act per se, but he is hugely influenced by people around him and if she is around he will be more family oriented. So why do I want him back if his values change so easily to his peer group, right? That's a question I ask myself.

The more this goes on, the less respect I have for him. The more I think about the way that he behaves, not the way he treats me, but the way he conducts himself and his character, the less admiration I have for him. Am I falling out of love? This was a man who had wonderful qualities. But now this man behaves in the most selfish manner and I think to myself, why am I trying so hard to lure him back? To what end? What will I get in return? Would I like him now if I had met him today for the first time? Probably not.

{{{TxMom}}}, yes, you are absolutely right, I need to count my blessings that my MIL would even talk with me let alone share her deepest thoughts. I know she is keeping some things from me but mostly she is pretty open. Her concerns are what will happen to H, if his health will suffer, if he can ever feel real happiness again and if he can find enjoyment and bonding with the kids. I think she doesn't worry about me because I present myself as capable and confident. But also because I am her DIL, not her blood.

WE will see what happens in the next few weeks, if her visit had any long lasting effects.

[karen43]

The more this goes on, the less respect I have for him. The more I think about the way that he behaves, not the way he treats me, but the way he conducts himself and his character, the less admiration I have for him. Am I falling out of love? This was a man who had wonderful qualities. But now this man behaves in the most selfish manner and I think to myself, why am I trying so hard to lure him back? To what end? What will I get in return? Would I like him now if I had met him today for the first time? Probably not.

I have had all those same thoughts too!!! MLC is not very attractive!!! I do think it's amazing that we knock ourselves out to be the more attractive alternative, and I think most (maybe all) of our WAS are actually very unattractive themselves. I think as time goes on I've gotten more detached and all. Which is good. He has a harder time hurting me now, so maybe that is another reason detaching is good. Karen

[hope3343]

[/quote]I have had all those same thoughts too!!! MLC is not very attractive!!! I do think it's amazing that we knock ourselves out to be the more attractive alternative, and I think most (maybe all) of our WAS are actually very unattractive themselves. I think as time goes on I've gotten more detached and all. Which is good. He has a harder time hurting me now, so maybe that is another reason detaching is good. Karen [/quote]

When you are "in love" we tend to overlook each other's faults but when the WS breaks the trust and deceives and lies, we start to take off the "rose colored glasses" and see what others see. Get the book "surviving an affair" by hartley. He has an analogy about "a bank", we make deposits and withdrawals in the love bank and when after awhile the bank is empty if you don't fill it again with "love deposits" the marriage will die..does that make sense. It is a good book to explore

[PositivelyMommy]

THanks hope. I am reading this book. It does make a lot of sense, especially DURING the M.
Karen, you are right about MLC being not very attractive. Which leads me to think why OW think he is the end-all. Is it because he is different around her? Is he miserable as he is when around me or at work. Or does she really cheer him up? Or is he putting on an act for her? Who knows? My intuition is that the 'lust' part of their relationship is making everything fun and dandy. I have to wait it out for him to get back to his messed up self. I wonder how fun it would be for her to deal with all of his issues with stress, work, nasty clients, aging issues, and now family obligations. I wonder if she is willing to support him in those real-life situations as well as in the work place since she is his subordinate. Or if she will find that it is so much trouble and that he has not even divorced that she might have insecurity issues as well. We will see, time is on my side.

[hope3343]

PM,
Right now the OW is meeting all of your H emotional and physical needs. Remember falling in love the first time and all the intensity and pleasure it was. They think they are soulmates and have NOT experienced the test of time yet.

Have you exposed fully? Nothing takes the passion out of an A when you bring it into the light.

I saw that like me, your H is involved with an A with one of his direct reports. As long as they work together and have created this secret world, your R will not work.

My H's OW wants her nice pay, overtime, my H, and his pay. She is a gold digger and as long as she has these comforts she doesn't care about his family and is turning my H away from us also.

I have recently exposed the A to mgmt. Will it help me -- No, it will hurt us financially.

But by not exposing makes me just as guilty as them ethically. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest to do. I did not even want to sign my code of ethics this year knowing what was going on. H and OW made me a silent partner in this. It has been totally disrespectful to carry this A on at work with me working there. I am waiting to see what action will be taken.

My H was the most ethical man that I knew prior to this so that is why I know he is so far gone with this OW. Also he has also started drinking heavily again after sobriety of almost 15 years. These past few months he looks terrible

I know we need to DB (or plan a) in hartley book but we need to be strong for ourselves. keep us posted.