I don't know about going back and forth between dark and in contact. For me, going completely dark is not an option since we're still in the same house. It sounds a bit like waffling to me, but that's just my two cents.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Hey .. I really identify with this train of thought...
"I guess I'm going dark. Is this the right thing to do? It feels easier in many ways for me, but doesn't this break our connection completely? I don't know status of ow, but another person told me that she saw h and he isn't happy."
I wonder the exact same thing and I dont know and I wish someone had the answers or would tell me what to do! Its horrible to think.. what if I DID speak up more? get in touch more? try more? etc etc... in my own experience, I was a WAS but still loved an ex, many years ago, but I left it.. was too afraid to go back as I didnt wwant to be hurt again and didnt see that he had really changed.. but he tried.. I never told him I was having doubts. Eventually, he met and M someone else, and I always regretted not speaking up. But if he had tried harder to come to me, speak to me, show me he had changed.. MAYBE, I'd have had the courage to jump back into the R with him, but he never gave me that encouragement.
Now of course, I am glad I didnt 'end up' with him, so I dont lose sleep over it. But, makes me wonder what difference it COULD have made if he had tried to reach out to me more.
My ex is also with an OW, who his friends say he is not happy with.. at the time of the above example, I was also going out with an unsuitable OM who was no patch on my ex.. but I still was in the mindset that I MIGHT go back to him.. I was well aware my feelings for the OM werent what I felt for my ex.
As Jody DB coach said to me.. Helen (ow) is not your enemy, his guilt and shame are. I felt bad about leaving that old ex, it took me a long time to extricate myself and so going back was a big decision...it wasnt about the new OM, it was about how I felt about my ex that stopped me. I really needed time on my own, away from the R, which I got, but 18 months on I still missed him, but I needed to see either that he had changed, or to trust that the changes had stuck. He moved on though, and M, so that never happened.
In my case and yours.. I guess they need to pull away, observe and have time to REFLECT before they would consider coming back to the R.. but in the meantime, we have to accept the reasons that they may have left (I have done alot of self analysis on that, as he never gave me reasons) and try and rectify any issues preventing them from returning and get yourself stroing and confident.. so that if he DOES get in touch, you are ready for him.
Um.. major waffling here, but does that make sense? I dont know, like you, if I should try reaching out a bit more.. but my sense is, not to.. but allow them the time and space to be 'ready' and if they never are, well then, theres your answer?
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think I need to be a bit dark to heal more. It's difficult to be fun and upbeat when my heart hurts this much. I do act "as if", but it's a strain and it depletes my energies.
Until h heals more I'm also not sure that showing that I'm the more attractive option (which is also what Jody DB coach talks about) is really effective. He's in IC and I don't know status of ow.
I'm doing some pretty intensive IC (1.5 hours/week) and reading alot of self-help books, journalling, talking to friends and galing. The PMA is a struggle much of the time, at least internally, but I still "act as if". The ADs are starting to help but will probably take another month before they really help with anxiety.
I wish I knew what the "answer" was to a recon or whether we ever will recon, but that would be reading the future. I'm trying to follow the good advice I've received here about living in the moment.
Going somewhat dark is part of taking care of myself right now when I still feel so vulnerable and am working things through for myself.
Anything in the stars I should know about Alie? I am Leo; my is Sag
Being dark, and the amount of it, is something I agonized about as well.
First I think you need to consider yourself.
Are you emotionally detached enough? Are you able to avoid relationship talk? Be a great listener? Stick to impersonal "happy" subjects? Be positive and present an attractive personality? Are you able to have contact without any expectations? Will you be able to leave him with a "positive memory" of the encounter?
The ADs will help a lot. All you are doing to GAL will help as well...
What are your goals?
For me, my first goal was that my husband would want to spend more time with me and actually ask me to do something with him. Once he was past the "angry stage" (and I was past the "I wish I were dead" stage), I did encourage contact very carefully. I wanted my husband to want to be around me. That emotionally being around me would be a "comfortable," "non-demanding," pleasant place" he would seek to be. This was a very slow process. And I had to be very careful not to take the whole thing seriously because I didn't want to hurt myself by believing that he would want to reconcile.
Mentally I had to completely let him go of him and the marriage. But also be generous enough to be a friend. One thing that helped me with this is I considered my encounters with him as practice for any future relationships. I figured I wanted to become a woman no man would ever want to let go of, and I might as well utilize the relationship I had with him to try and create that in myself.
Had to transform from boring soccer mom to mermaid siren!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I like the idea of using contact with h as a "laboratory" for trying new relationship skills with any man.
H called today at my office. Didn't answer phone. He had a banal question. I will leave upbeat voice mail message at work for him tomorrow before he arrives.
I'm not ready for much more contact than that. I may be ready at some point in the future.
Going dark for now still feels like the right thing for me. I think it's helping me.
Just leaving for work and journalling... a contractor came to measure for a new fireplace. We had a brief but friendly chat about life - his and mine. There's lots of different ways to make connection in this world and practice new relating skills.
I was listening to the radio this weekend and heard the following quote:
"Be compassionate, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."
Day by day the "battle" will get easier and finding compassion for ourselves, each other and our spouses is one of the keys.
Left a light, short message on my H's work voice mail in response to his banal question of yesterday.
I guess I'm not going dark, but dim. It does feel better. Fewer thoughts of h, less anxiety, starting to feel freer along with letting go.
For those who read that I've given up, I haven't. I just need this time and space for me. Once I've healed more, I may db more actively. I understand the risk of nc - by the time I get to that point, he may have moved so far away or solidified things with ow that no dbing will make a difference.
But I have to do what is necessary for me to move forward at the moment as if he is never coming back. The ow situation is just too painful right now.
During a galing activity last night, I had very painful thoughts of h and his long-term EA (now PA). It was horrible to have these thoughts and feelings intrude on one of my new activities that is so important to me. It seems like there are triggers in the most unlikely places. His dishonesty, even though I have forgiven it, will take along time for me to work through.
This is probably one of the main reasons why going dim is the healthiest thing for me right now. However, more and more I can see that it is likely to prepare me for d rather than more active dbing. I feel like a traitor to the troops when I write that, as I read the struggles of all of you as you continue to stand for your marriages. I support all of you and believe in what you are doing.
Whatever, "I feel like a traitor to the troops when I write that, as I read the struggles of all of you as you continue to stand for your marriages." You must never feel like that. People like most things come in all shapes and sizes. All marriages are different and we all know what is and is not healthy for us,also what type of marriage we can live in. After along time on this board I have come to realise that some people are willing to have little to no boundaries for the sake of being m. Not healthy. Going dim is for you to regroup (or not) but certainly for you to get yourself well,happy and healthy (healing) it is not intended to shock your h or get him to change course although it can happen. It takes courage to go dim and be ok regardless of the outcome. Congratulations on getting new activities, the triggers take some time to come to terms with but you are certainly on the right path.
