It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Well.

H was out of town (Drill weekend) for the weekend. He came back Sunday night. He just holds me when we go to bed. I have put some effort out before he got home... ya know music, candles, lingerie. Now, this is not normal behavior that he just lays there and hugs me. Never has that happened.

So after a while I am a little confused and we start talking. He says he is Sad.... he doesn't know why but upon further questioning...he says he isn't satisfied with hisself. I am good life is good but he's not happy with himself.

Well I did a 180 and got p*ssed off for the first time in over a year.... since the bomb. I have been telling him for months to seek IC... this is not getting better. He goes along for a couple of days and then it hits. I think it's the time of the year. We are at the one year anniversary of the bomb.

But, honestly this kind of talk always brings that fear back and I am getting sick of it.

See I truly got happy in my pursuit to save myself last year when all this was going on. I want to be happy. Our kids are great (straight A's and honors classes) active in sports. We live in a beautiful home, we get along well, have lots of S..... what's missing?

I can't give anymore or do anymore but I am tired of the insecurities I have when talks like this....although he says he's not going anywhere.

I wonder if his saddness has anything to do with her?

Maybe there's been contact....and he's afraid of how it made him feel and he's scared to tell me. By the way, one of my boundaries is that if she were to contact him and he doesn't tell me... he's out and I'm done. Maybe that's what happened and the guilt is bothering him.....

There has been no evidence of such contact....but it could have happened thru work email or military email.

Whatever!

So, I have pulled back a little bit.... still being nice, just not as available.

I just wish he could be happy.... sounds like MLC don't ya think?