Boy, my posts are getting lengthier. I'm going to give Sandy a run for her money in "WHo's the longest Poster" contest.
I didn't mean to give her an ultimatum with the x, y, and z comment. I was trying to make you see, I guess, that I don't think your wife is looking to leave even if you ask her to do some things for the marriage. In fact, in my earlier posts I was saying how BEFORE you give your ultimatum (the moving threat), why not ask her to do these things for you and give her a chance?
I think I'm a little confused now, though. You said there were no relationship talks, etc. But now you say you HAVE told her about the fact you need her to read the books, and do other things. When did you do this? If it was recently, then I'm very surprised she didn't have a better response. If it was right after it all happened, I'm not surprised. She seems to be moving in the right direction, her head seems to be getting in a better place, and to her that probably seems to be good. She doesn't know that it can get even BETTER, and can help even faster if she DOES get more help like you want her to do. Not to mention, YOU need her to do these things for YOU.
I guess I just think you need another sit down, talk. NOt a letter where you don't actually communicate about it. I think, sometimes, letters can be great because you can get all you want said out in the open and off your chest and you can feel like, "There. Now she knows." But, I also think they are bad in that you don't actually COMMUNICATE together about the issues. Could you have the kids out for the night and just sit AT HOME, no distractions, and have a real heart to heart about your needs and feelings? For guys this is really hard, I know. The last thing my H ever wants to do is have those talks. He tries EVERYTHING else to get his point across first, and will have that kind of a talk as a last resort. Get everything out on the table. Will you guys argue with this talk? Yeah, probably. She will have feelings about it, too. That's all part of the communication. You have to communicate to her exactly how you feel and what you need and why and she will do the same. Then, you work together on how to accomplish this. Make a plan. You may think that you have already done this and think of every reason why it won't work. Why not think how it COULD work, and expect that it won't be an easy conversation? Try to talk, without the sarcasm (she does this more than you). Mention retrouvaille again. Maybe if you can both work on the communication, the rest will fall into place.
Actions speak louder than words...Puppy mentioned this. It's so true. I can see how you feel that she isn't doing anything. I truly feel like she is doing more than you realize....it's the head and the emotions. You both have lost a lot with her decision. That kind of pain takes awhile, and lots of talking. Even the best of marriages usually have something pretty bad happen to them eventually. You have been doing so many wonderful things to work on your marriage, and talking will just be one more thing. REalllllllly talking. Then, don't just let it sit on the table. KEEP talking. Repeat if necessary. Every day. You are trying to start a new, BETTER relationship. THat's going to take some work, and some changes on BOTH of your parts. There was a time in the process where you were suppose to stop having R talks. YOu guys aren't in that part of the process anymore.
The reason why Sandi and I feel we can tell you these things is because you truly listen to us even when it may be hard to hear. SOme of the hardest posts to me hit me the hardest. Even if I didn't agree with everything, I got something from it. We aren't there with you, only YOU know what is going on in your home, but we can help you try to figure out your wife and help you have a happy marriage by trying to give advice we think will help based upon what we know. I don't think you and your wife would be happier, divorced.
