easy .. lie ! Mums are on a need to know basis only, especially MIL. If she doesnt need to know.. dont tell her! If H told her you're going to be there, he is obviously happy for you to see her. So, just make sure you have lots of topics of conversation or other 'gossip' (does she like a gossip??) that arent you and H or R related. Talk about his college stuff, all these flights, holidays you've been on, or the one coming up.. just deflect it girl!
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Julia--I'll take another look at your thread shortly. It's my goal not to really be on the boards at work anymore, so I post less in general but will try to post before I head to work...
One thing is that my MIL emailed me when we first were separated telling me she knew I was going through a hard time, and that if I needed anything she was there for me. I wrote back and basically said that I didn't want to put her in the middle of things, but that it was always nice to hear from her. Then I didn't hear from her again until yesterday.
I am going to do my best to deflect and stay on safe topics, but I will bet money that she probes. OK, holidays are good topics especially since I can focus on what H was doing during them, therefore giving her bits about him without focusing on our problems. I REALLY wish I could back out of seeing her. I may try one other avenue which is to ask my best friend if she and her H can invite her over for dinner. They have a baby, and MIL likes the baby, so it might be a good way to try and keep topics safe and light. I know she wants to see me alone, but since she hasn't come out and said this directly, I can try this angle and hope that she feels that it's a good option.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The ITH household is quiet. Things have remained positive since we've been back, at least from my perspective. There is now more physical affection than there was before the New Years trip. I think there was a step change up, and now we are on a pleasant plateau. Steps at this point are still baby steps, but I don't mean to minimize them.
Yesterday, for example, H asked me to put together a new budget. I had been putting this off as I didn't want to deal with the possibility of him wanting budget for his own place, etc. I feel good about putting together a budget, though I am still nervous that doing it too far into the future will open a discussion that I don't want to enter into right now. We talked about a couple of money related things on IM, about spending less etc., and it felt like we were being real with each other, something I haven't felt much in awhile. H went out to drinks after work, but texted me a few times, including once to let me know he was on the train. It just felt normal, which I appreciate. He hugged me a couple of times when he got home.
Next week I go to the US for 5 nights without H, then we meet in LA afterwards, then head to Mexico. Of course I am nervous about this 5 days that H will have to himself, and hope that there are no more emotional emails, no meltdowns etc. My greatest hope is that he really misses me while I am gone. At least I will be pretty busy myself, so I should enjoy the time. I always think it is worse being the one at home than the one traveling.
Other than this, no real updates. I am doing slightly better at work I think, and can go for long stretches of time without obsessing about the situation. Every once in awhile though something reminds me of the summer and I feel really dark. At least these times are becoming fewer...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Not much to report on in the ITH household. There have been no major steps forward lately, but H has been acting happier in life in general, which makes me happier. Today he said that hanging around the house with no deadlines and responsibilities made him really happy. There were months where I didn't hear him use the word "happy" except in the context of me not making him happy and other typical WAS statements. So now he says things make him happy on a semi-frequent basis.
I have been getting back into the swing of things at work again, and am doing my best to try and become a high-performer. This would help my emotional state as well as our finances (we're rewarded with performance-based bonuses at work). I have found an untapped niche at work, so I think that if I do well there is a lot of potential to not only be rewarded financially, but also to transfer to another location in the future. I would love to do this with H and have it be one possible ticket back to the US. However, given the fact that we have moved country twice for me, this time I would be very sure to follow H's lead. It is worth giving up my job for my marriage, and I would do so with no regrets.
Other than this, I'm still trying to figure out how to have the easiest interaction possible with MIL next week. I really don't wish to be backed into a situation where I need to say something about the M. While I will do my best ninja moves, I will be unable to avoid direct questions, and I know her well enough to know that she will ask them. So number one on my list of ideas right now is to have her come over to BF's house for dinner. This way she will probably still ask about H in general terms, but not specific questions about the M.
I'm excited about going to the US and having a bit more freedom. I don't mean from the M, I mean in terms of having a car, and the ability to drive somewhere to go jogging, grocery shopping etc. I miss a lot of the things I used to take for granted.
There is still increased physical affection between H and me, though it's not at pre-bomb levels yet. I initiate affection many times now, but this seems positive for once. H initiates at times as well, and this is a major improvement. I am now quite sure that H's primary LL is words of affirmation, and that my failure to pick up on this was one of the major reasons for the M breakdown. He used to frequently ask questions like what I loved most about him etc., and I always made jokes instead of really giving him heartfelt responses. He probably didn't feel like I really loved him. Now I am regularly complimenting him, every chance I get. I am being sincere, and this usually goes over pretty well. I think my LLs are quality time and gifts. So I always tried to get H to do things with me, and he saw this as pressure, while I saw it as trying to make the marriage healthy. I got him gifts all of the time too, and he rarely got anything for me, and didn't seem as taken by some of my gifts as I always thought he should have been. It all makes perfect sense now, having been listening to the Love Language audio book. I guess we're not yet at the place where I can start asking for what I want, but the fact that we have trips coming up means that there will be quality time, so this works well. I also think we're very close to the point where H will really care about what I want. There have been a couple of occasions where he has said that if something makes me happy we should do it. I am being extremely cautious there though, as one of the big things he said at the bomb was that he was doing everything to make me happy, and nothing to make himself happy. So if he is doing something because I want to, I always ask him if it is something that he is interested in doing too, or whether it will make him unhappy or stressed. There is plenty of time later to compromise and bend for each other. My primary goal now remains recommitment. Of course another ILY would be great too!
OK thanks for reading my novel. I will post later if there are any interesting updates.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
In a way I shouldn't be posting, as I really don't have any major updates to talk about. However, there were some baby steps last night, or so I think.
H is supposed to travel for work today, just for 1 night. His company's travel agent is absolutely the worst. I seriously can do more from my laptop in 5 minutes than she seems to be able to do with days advance notice. He told them on Thursday that he needed to travel Monday (today) to be there in time for a specific meeting. So Sunday night at 10 PM and no response. H needs to call his manager, who gives him the travel agent's personal number. I'm really annoyed as there is the possibility now that H's travel will overlap with mine, meaning we will not see each other for more than a week. However, I bit my tongue, and said that he didn't need to worry about the pets etc., and that I could handle the arrangements for them if the travel overlapped. I didn't say anything this time about how much the agent sucks, which she does, but instead helped him look for flights that we had to send to his agent. Please, a travel agent who does not answer emails for her corporate clients, and needs to be given flight information by someone else. It is pretty infuriating to me, but for some reason it bothers H when I point this out, so I just joked that his company should hire me as a travel consultant. The ridiculous woman is going to book his flights this morning (he is leaving today) and let him know. She couldn't even do it last night! So, I was incredibly annoyed as it also leaves me with a lot more to prepare for in terms of our upcoming trip together if the travel overlaps, but I did keep my cool. When we went to bed, H was very nice. He kissed my face several times, and was indescribably sweet. Things just felt very, I'd say, loving between us-just a feeling, but a very positive one.
Other than that, H continues to be more "normal" in terms of interactions with me. I cook, but he will take my plate away and carry it to the kitchen, and will always thank me for cooking. It really is the little things that matter the most to me now, and each thank you, each kiss on the face is invaluable...
Well I don't suspect that I'll have too much more to post in the next couple of days. I have a big presentation to senior management tomorrow, that could help me a lot at work if it goes well. Oddly this is also when H has his review and is potentially up for promotion. So crossing my fingers for the both of us...stability at work can only help our M!
OK hope everyone had a great weekend!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks for the nice thoughts. I'm pretty nervous about my presentation as it's the first time I've been "back in the game" so to speak since the bomb. I know that everyone in the room wil know about my sitch, and that it has been discussed at the executive level...ah well...at least their expectations are probably very low, so an average presentation may earn me high marks :).
No other updates really. H traveled for work last night, but his connecting flight was canceled so he had to stay the night in Madrid. He texted me several times to tell me what he was up to, at the hotel, getting a bite to eat etc., so I did appreciate that. He's on the way to his meeting this morning. He has a review and he's possibly up for promotion, so fingers crossed. Then he's supposed to fly back tonight still. I really hope nothing happens with this flight, as otherwise we won't see each other until next week Tuesday. The emotional distance is starting to wear on me a bit.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning, so just wishing I could be at home packing and getting things ready instead of doing this presentation, but it's good to start the vacation on a high note work-wise, so the timing is probably ideal.
Anyway-will update later if anything interesting happens.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
If I were you I would not worry about the physical distance. The fact that he is texting you about small things shows that you ar eon his mind and he wants to share with you. A big difference from the summer - although I seem to remember that although he wanted space he couldn't keep away from you then either
So H IMd me to tell me that his boss would recommend him for promotion; I was in a meeting so didn't respond. Now he's offline, but hopefully still coming home tonight. I hope there are no delays!
My presentation went very well and I got what I asked for too, so something was in the air today for both of us in terms of career improvement...
Yes things are a lot better than they were this summer. When I think about how I felt this summer, I really start getting sick to my stomach.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
