PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks everyone for sharing our thoughts with me, especially new friends like SilverFox.

My H is definitely passive agressive, our IC confirmed that. So he is definitely waiting for me to act. However, I have decided not to file or leave. I am staying put in our home and not moving an inch. I will not help him remove me from his life. Lately my resolve is weakening because MIL is visiting and she is also very passive agressive, so like SilverFox says, she is quiet and listens to all his justifications and he thinks she is approving his decision. She doesn't want to alienate her son so she doesn't speak up for me. It's very sad, we were all best friends and now the dynamic has changed. So now I am mourning not just my M and our friendship but my friendship with MIL. We talk very deeply about what is happening to H but something has changed and the fact that she just accepts his decision makes me resent her a little.

She has met OW. In H's eyes, that's validating his decision. So although OW is not her best friend like I was, I feel replaced nonetheless and very left out.

My MIL and I spent countless hours analyzing H's behavior, but it all comes down to his screwed up issues, his passive agressive behavior, the fact that he can't handle the stress in his life, the fact that his ego needs stroking by another female and he is being led around by his 'manhood'. She becomes teary during these talks, and I try to console HER. Ironic, isn't it. I have to stay positive for her. I feel strong but weak at the same time. My best friend has betrayed me and I am consoling his mother.

He has told her that he definitely wants to stay separated from me. No surprises here since he is still deep in his A. But don't think he has in mind to file papers, probably because he is passive-aggressive.

I am telling myself that I need patience. It has been wonderful having her here to talk about his issues with her. But at the same time, it will be good for her to go since I won't have to see him so much.

He wants her to move to where we live and in my head I think, WTH? Who is she going to live with, me?? She is staying with me now while visiting while he is supposedly living in a serviced apartment. I think he wants her around to keep him on the straight and narrow and to make sure his head is clear. But she has her work and her own H and can't just move to where we are. How is any of this going to work?

I think her talks with him has clued into his psyche about the consequences of his actions. He understands intellectually what he has done but he can't help himself. He is not thinking with his brain. So bringing reality into his fogland has been good, I think. But that doesn't mean he will change his mind or anything. He knows he is making his own life very difficult at a time when he says he wants peace and quiet. How ironic. When we were together, he had it so good he was spoilt. But now the whole situation is so messy.

He is still very very angry with me, even after all these months. I can see it in his eyes. Maybe he will be angry forever for whatever 'wrong' I have done him. MIL was trying to find out what happened. I don't believe there was one specific incident and if there was, I would be willing to listen. But H is so tightlipped that not I nor my MIL nor IC knows. Maybe he doesn't know why himself. He just tells himself that he feels differently and so gave himself an excuse to go do whatever brought his pleasure.

Sometimes I think he is such a miserable person, why do I want to deal with him and want him back? I just don't know how this will turn out. I even told MIL. Eventhough I have not even thought of abandoning my M, I think my MIL thinks eventually I will remarry so she has kinda accepted this possibility.