When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

Thanks for hanging with me, Brother,

Yes, I am seriously frustrated with the lack of movement in situation and my lack of willingness to force movement by disengaging from her when she calls. Her 'XW-itational' pull on me is irresistible at present. Her pull keeps me in my orbit, and that is not good. I can't be her play toy forever. She will either learn to show me respect as a person, as a man, as the father of our children and as her husband or I will force the movement in my situation from my end.

I do know that my situation will move my situation forward this year. 2010 will NOT start the same as 2009 has started.

I simply want closure to my sitch. I want to be done and move forward or explore the opportunity to reconcile and move forward. Either way, I want to move forward. For me. For my children. And yes, for her.

I just don't want to make hasty changes that have kept me in the reconciliation game this far despite being told for 3 years by my XW that she is all done.

Nope, I haven't come this far in hopes of reconciling, playing by rules that I don't really understand, to push when the right time hasn't arrived for the best possible outcome for all. I have held of on making a phone call to XW's GF who was instrumental in getting me to break through my fears of being COMPLETELY honest to my XW about my past un-confessed self-inflicted disaster mistakes. XW's GF was also very persuasive in getting XW to open up about her true feelings for me that they had previously discussed privately. Regardless, although I had suspected XW's true (and unconfessed to me) feelings about me and us, this was really the first time that I had confirmation of my suspicions. Nice, but possibly dangerous to touch.

I could make contact with XW's girlfriend and simply ask her questions about XW privately between us, but that opens up the risk of GF simply telling XW that I called her to talk, which would come across wrong when told by XW's GF to XW than it would if I either cleared the discussion with GF with XW first or simply let it go and continue to fly blind. Any thoughts? Probably just let it go and fly blind more, I would guess.

I really want to KNOW more about what loops in my XW's head, but I don't want to find it out by forcing movement in my sitch to soon or by simply making the mistake of choosing to contact her GF to find out more and having her GF tell her before telling me anything. Heck, it doesn't matter when GF tells XW that I contacted her w/o XW's knowledge or OK. Perhaps it's all just a bad idea and I shouldn't spend any more mental on brain juggling this hand grenade?

Who the heck knows? I sure don't. And, as XW (seems) to move closer to me, I get sucked in (willingly and stupidly) and end up acting like the useless wuss that I know killed her attraction for me originally. Sadly, I don't act this way with anyone except my XW. Even more sadly, she is the one who matters most to me to act like the alpha male that I am with everyone else in my life. As, I said, movement in my situation is paramount to me, but I don't want to remove an infected splinter with a shotgun. Too much damage. Potentially lethal to my reconciliation efforts.

Anyway, I've ramble on way longer than I intended. It's going on 1am and I gotta get D8 to school in the morning. Take care, Brother.

Tom