The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[25yearsmlc]

On the AA issue, let me chime in a few words, Grew up with a highly functioning brilliant father, alcoholic. But there is such a thing as a "dry alcoholic" who stops drinking, somehow, often cold turkey. Does NO introspection about why they drank, learns nothing about how they should cope with stress in the future, gets no tools for the future, but declares themselves "cured" or obviously NOT an alcoholic, b/c they stopped drinking!

But their odd behaviors, overreactions, tempers/ mood swings, and conflict avoidance usually remain, as they really have not been "treated". Don't minimize it.

The thing you have some control over is what the causes were for your straying. Loneliness is an obvious one. I'm female, but I'm also a veteran myself and a wife of a former officer as well. So I've seen it from both sides, the deployed and the left behind. I deeply resented H's "tasks" when he was away, and I never did that to him. Somehow the kids were my responsibility even when I was gone, making arrangements long distance... But I digress. You hit a nerve in me when I read that he was deployed, b/c it's like men who cheat on pregnant wives...you just don't do it.

But then I reallzed I was oversimplifying things from a soldier's perspective. The military families do NOT get the type of support they need. As a commander's wife, it sucks b/c you had to do the notifications for casualties, MIA, etc. You also saw the things the families went through stateside, and never told the soldiers, so as not to worry them...including a very sick child, the death of a sister, and it's harder than civilians realize. And no one really supports the commander's wife, as she is there to support them, even when she is also an officer...and a mom and a wife...

Why can't you GAL, be pleasant, "listen like a lover" (My db coach's advice and it ain't easy, but it IS simple) and start moving on?

He'll see that you aren't immediately in the arms of another man, and a loving mother--who isn't moved by that? In my heart, there are only two possibilities in him. First, he may want out of the M because he doesn't want to do the work it takes to re-build trust, and you'll frown on his drinking, and this gives him an excuse to quit the M. Plus, his pride is huge. The more people who know of the A, the harder it is for a man to take a woman back. too bad. Most of the h's don't look within, to see their own role in the A, whereas women who's h's cheat, usually wonder if they played a part in it. Plus women take their h's back more often. Then again, it is usually loneliness in a m that makes a w cheat, whereas some men just do it for a sexual thing and admit that it "meant nothing" to them...whatever that means. (Sorry if that was sexist, but I'm sexist whenever it's convenient, like trash night, scary noises downstairs, etc. Hope you understand).

The other possibility is that he wants to get back together but he doesn't want to be hurt again. I lean toward this one, but don't know the role of the drinking. (Many men choose drugs or alcohol over families, without ever truly realizing it.)

He'd love to trust you again and move forward, but is terrified of letting his guard down. ANd his anger at what you "deserve" as punishment seems acceptable and when the anger is recent, it's hard to see that whenever we discuss what our spouses "deserve" or "lessons to teach them" we are not coming from a place of love, but we are being punitive. Does that get us to our goal of recon? NO, it does not.

Your h thinks of OM and it punches him in the stomach. He wonders why you did this since, after all, he was no longer drinking....but what if he somehow, knew, you'd stay faithful? What would it take? Have you asked him? Well, would that solve everything? Do you lose the right to complain about anything,from now on, b/c you "sinned"? As if he was perfect? I have to say that despite my m's problems and we are in piecing, there are times I feel I have more "rights" now, since h was the WAS and I took him back. I know how that sounds, but it's a deeply rooted feeling that since I was the wronged party, he "owes me"... Hey, I'm working on it.

I urge you to spend the money to talk to a DB counselor. I had a t, and about 3 c's and went to mc with h. Just could not reach him for so long. Loved all the t's and c's, But DB coach gave me specifics I needed and is probably the biggest reason we are still m. In piecing.

It's well worth the money. You need some rules and boundaries b/c no matter what else here, your A is not the only thing going on here. It's just the easiest to blame a divorce on. On the money issue--it's significant. Control, respect, priorities... I'm not into "he can give away FAMILY money without discussion with you" when you both work (even if you were a stay at home mom) AND you have children...are their college funds full? Are the vacations taken care of? I think a guy who has been gone from his family so much, owes THEM his time and provisions....now, if we're talking about a life saving surgery for a brother, that's one thing.

But I wonder about a possible need to be the hero to others, and lend them money that is rightfully the "real" family's--his wife and kids--not other adults who shouldn't be mooching.....well, examine his real motives. Does he want to rescue them and be a hero, or is it legit? Did he give you an equal vote in the matter? If not, that's a huge signal about your m, regardless of the damn A. Also tells you that he might make it so hard to come back that it isn't worth it.[i] Honestly, sometimes the betrayed spouse ends up in an effort "to rebuild trust" putting so many conditions on the M and the WAS, that a return is virtually guaranteed to fail. Everyone loses then, especially the kids. Instead, think of What a legacy the kids, and others, could see from you two, working it out, loving unconditionally through the heat of the hottest fire, and forgiving...and recommitting...LOVING again, that's a legacy worth leaving...[/i]

Last but not least, why'd you have the first and last affairs? Why won't you do it again? Why should he trust that part? I get the lonelieness part, big time. That's why you join every flippin' club you can, and audition for theater, or take classes, so you can meet interesting adults and get that kind of stimulation, in an environment that does NOT lead to A...

Good luck, wishing you well...
j-